"Did someone say Prince?"

Remember: behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this occasion

Yes at five seconds because I Am An Author and want to be able to describe things accurately and nothing helps that as much as personal experience. No on an hour because I'm not here for suffering.

talking to people while holding a beverage is awesome because you don't have to know what to do with your hands and when you don't know what to do with your face you can just take a sip

i’m gay but i’m always gonna choose the well developed straight ship over the 2 bland and incompatible white dudes that have 500,000 fanfics written about them. you guys just hate women.

your last words before you die are the 3rd line of the last song you listened to. what are we saying ladies?

i think rice with things on it & also some sort of sauce is like basically the best food genre tbh

when I was in high school my dad was speeding like crazy because I was running late to my job at the cemetery. and the cop who pulled him over gave him three whole tickets because who the hell goes 95 in a 25??? but then, when my dad went to court the cop didn’t show, and so the judge looked over at the charges and just couldn’t believe it. he thought the cop must’ve been so racist that he made it up because who the hell goes 95 in a 25? so my dad got all 3 tickets dismissed bc of racism. that he didn’t even experience because he was in fact going 95 in a 25.

to clarify. my dad used to be a cab driver in ny and he also grew up in india so he just drives like a dickhead.

checking over the work email five times to make sure i typed 'thanks for your quick response' and not the full lyrics to closer by nine inch nails

I’m just thinking about how many times I’ve heard my dad on a long call with an obvious scammer and I’ll start begging him to get off the phone because I always think he’s a very easy mark and he’ll just keep going and then after a while he’ll say something like “I died 20 years ago” and hang up.