Who Cares

So the cardinal of Avignon sent the bishop of Cavaillon to do something about them. In front of a huge crowd, the bishop sprinkled some holy water into the waters of the port and told the dolphins to begone. Whereupon the dolphins indeed turned tail in terror and fled, and were never seen again.

So to avoid the creation of a cockatrice (or basilisk), the rooster was tried, found guilty, and burned at the stake along with its egg. A huge crowd was present.

The “rooster” in this case was likely a hen that had developed male characteristics (it happens).

Her piglets, however, were judged to have been innocent of the murder, and so were returned to the owner, with the caveat that he had to surrender them to the law if they were later found to have eaten any of the boy.

Not to be confused with a whole bunch of other, similar porcine trials.

and then later when he SNEAKS INTO A CORNER TO FUCKING… facetime yoda… like “ok so we have these millions of identical human men who were apparently suspiciously ordered for us by someone???” and yodas fucking response is just “when countless sapient lemons life gives you…….. send those lemons into intergalactic battle you must”

Obi-Wan:

1. “LADIES”

2. The very disappointed “Eclair…”

3. “WHAT?” (High pitched mooing in response)

Cyril Proudbottom (The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad) 2/10 His vacant eyes and grotesque proportions disturb me

The Headless Horseman’s Horse (The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad) 7/10 Stunning. Very dramatic. Powerful look. 

Major (Cinderella) 4/10 Cyril Proudbottom’s more distinguished cousin. 

Samson (Sleeping Beauty)  3/10 There’s something not right about his face. I don’t trust him. 

Captain (One Hundred and One Dalmatians- movie)  5/10 A solid design. Friend shaped. 

Captain (I don’t know- some 101 Dalmatians tv show it looks like)  -30/10 Kill it now before it destroys us all. 

Frou-Frou (Aristocats)  7/10 A perfect genteel lady. Loses points for inconsistency in the animation. 

Philippe (Beauty and the Beast) 8/10 I’d trust this horse with my life

Achilles (The Hunchback of Notre Dame) 6/10 Respectable. Handsome. 

Snowball (The Hunchback of Notre Dame) 10/10 The DRAMA. The expression somewhere between “evil” and “hasn’t slept in 4 days”. The HAIR. Perfection. Exactly the type of horse I’ll ride when I turn evil.

Pegasus (Hercules) 6/10 A fun design, lot’s of personality. But kinda gives off Frat Boy energy. 

Baby Pegasus (Hercules) 11/10 I’d die for him. 

Khan (Mulan)  10/10 Look at those absurd proportions– the tiny legs and the huge barrel chest- amazing. 

Bullseye (Toy Story 2-4)  4/10 Is he cute? yes. But as someone who has owned many toy horses in her life, this is not a toy horse I would be pleased with. 

This Bullseye Toy I found looking for a movie picture of Bullseye -100/10 This thing IS cursed and we will probably all die for having seen it. But I’m taking you all down with me. 

Buck (Home on the Range)  2/10 No matter what picture, no matter what expression, you look at this horse and just KNOW he would be so unpleasant to talk to. 

Blessedly, there is no horse in Chicken Little. 

Destiny (Enchanted)  5/10 This is a Barbie horse and I swear I owned it. 

Maximus (Tangled) 7/10 A good design but too much dogness. 

Angus (Brave) 15/10 Everything that’s good in a horse. 

Sitron (Frozen) 11/10 He deserves so much better than Hans. Look at his kind eyes. This is a horse that will treat you right. This horse is the anti-Hans. 

Nokk (Frozen 2)  20/10 WATER HORSE WATER HORSE WATER HORSE WATER HORSE!

If tomatoes are spicy, you have an allergy to tomatoes.