memoirs of a ghost

I felt I should update this with my two other blogs! Miscellaneous catch-all blog: @of-jaguars-and-requiems & writing projects side blog: @jaded-requiem !

hello! I'm really not sure how to go about this, but I don't guess it matters too terribly much. let's see... you can call me requiem, witch, king, or panda. I'm a 24-year-old queer, neurodivergent, and disabled writer, gamer, streamer, and designer. they/he/it pronouns.

I have a handful of projects I'm working on at the moment, one of which is a collaborative story between myself and two of my close friends. I'm not gonna share much about that particular project since it isn't only mine, but I don't mind talking about my solo projects!

I am a bit insecure about my solo projects because I'm worried they won't be very interesting, but at the end of the day, I am writing primarily for myself, not for anyone else, so I don't think it really matters if I'm the only person who enjoys my work.

I tend to write dark and disturbing themes, and some of the topics I cover may even be considered offensive to some people, but most of my writing is made to help me process my traumas. it's a way for me to help myself heal, so I pull from my own experiences quite a lot.

I live with my mother for the time being, which is a highly hostile environment, and may or may not post some journal entries on this blog if I'm in the mood to do so. those journal entries may or may not be highly upsetting for some people, so... reader discretion is advised.

I am most interested in reading and writing inherently queer stories, especially fantasy world spaces. I enjoy dark and gritty themes, but fluff is also something I really like as a form of escapism on days when I just need to get away from darker stuff.

complex fantasy worlds are my most beloved thing, and I get really interested in specific topics related to worlds that I adore. I will spend HOURS hunting down every speck of lore I can find on the topic. this also tends to crop up in my own worldbuilding.

that can be both a blessing and a curse sometimes - I'll flesh out a very niche aspect of the world that I'm super interested in, but then I struggle to put as much depth and thought into areas that I enjoy less but that I feel still need to be present.

This (should) be the direct link to said preview post. Please please PLEASE read the author's note!!

Also, I genuinely cannot wait to have another romance with you it's like one of my favorite things, that & our family-bonded characters. UGH. This pair especially feels like it's gonna rip my heart out repeatedly, so I'm very thrilled for that LMAO

One of my OCs is - depending on the (humanoid) universe - a bounty hunter, US Marshal, assassin, mercenary, or bodyguard, as well as a jaguar shapeshifter. She is ruthless when it comes to eliminating her targets.

That being said, she... LOVES stuffed animals.

Her favorite thing after a stressful day is to treat herself to a new stuffie & a hot bath! Also, watching one of her favorite musicals. Of course, she'd kill anybody who dared mention this little fact.

She's also 6'10" & can crush skulls with her thighs. Long live muscular queens! fjgngn

It's actually one of the things that had her husband (a friend's OC) falling head over heels for her, though! That, & the fact that she threatened to kill him if he told anyone he saw her stuffie collection.

Do you have a favorite character to write about? If so, who is it and why?

I'm very sorry for the wait! I do actually have a few favorites out of my OCs, but I think that's to be expected when you have well over 200 of them fjgng.

I would say my longest running favorite is probably Bitterblue - she's very soft & sweet & gentle, but also surprisingly strong & stubborn when it comes to what she believes in.

She's been through a lot in her lifetime, & in all her different incarnations, but she never lets any of it turn her cold. I love that resilience, that mental & emotional strength, to still be sweet after everything.

I adore that she doesn't want to let what she's been through take away who she is & how determined she is to find the best in everything despite being dealt a bad hand from the start.

She's a vastly better person than I am, but I love her & honestly hope to become more like her as I get older. She's not really cut out for physical power, but mentally, she really is incredible.

Gosh, it's been a long time since I answered any asks or was particularly active here. I'm so sorry for the wait! I would say that one of my biggest writing motivations is catharsis & self-exploration/self-therapy.

A great many of my themes in writing tend to be a bit darker & more depressing, but it helps me vent. More than that, I find it... comforting? Pouring out my pain on a page & then finding beauty & softness in it, I mean.

Over the last 3ish years, I've been kinder to myself about my writing (and just in general) thanks to some very good friends of mine. Continuing to write is, slowly, helping me learn to love all the bits & pieces of myself.

Beyond that, I would say my friends & music are my other really big inspirations. Bouncing ideas off of my friends or listening to music is a huge part of my creative process!

One of my OCs was actually created because of a song one of my friends recommended to me, fun fact!

and even if it was just for your attention, is that not in and of itself enough reason to set aside your judgments and finally just listen? surely, if I had to go so far just to get attention, there was some sort of problem.

surely you could have seen that, if only you were willing to look. to listen. I know why you didn't, though. as long as you could ignore it, you could tell yourself you were doing nothing wrong.

never mind all the screams I had to swallow down and silence. never mind all the tears in the middle of the night, the bruises in the shape of fingerprints, the sick fear in my belly when the man you chose came home.

never mind the panic attacks over school and grades. never mind the way my eyes kept finding every knife or the plans to die that kept filling up every corner of my mind. never mind the way I still cannot feel safe.

never mind the way I no longer remember what genuine excitement feels like. that every joy of mine is crushed beneath your foot as if it is some disgusting bug crawling around your pristine wooden floor.

never mind the fact that I can't ramble to my friends about my interests without feeling self-conscious and annoying, that I can't love myself or things I like because every part of growing up has told me I'm not worthy.

never mind that I'm now twenty-five and still so broken inside. never mind that I don't remember what it's like to not be bitter and full of this sickening, helpless numbness.

sometimes I wonder if I've ever really been a person or just a damaged vessel unfit for the dreams you wished to fill it with. if I am but a vessel, am I now useless? I will never be anything that you wanted me to be.

you had one chance for a child, and what you got was me. I have felt like a disappointment for that from the very earliest thought I can remember thinking. what a waste of life I must seem to be.