Figuring it Out

recently, i've been watching a lot of stuff (cough, tiktoks, cough)

and it really helps me make sense of the way i was raised.

b/c i am self-aware enough to know i have rather conservative and lightly restrictive parents.

which is kinda a joke because they are the kind of parents who let me do what i want, but is it because whatever i do is still okay in their eyes?

I just remember the other day, me and my friend were talking about it at lunch, like so rarely do you find very restrictive parents for guys, especially brown guys.

Like if i want to do anything outside of school, my parents will first ask "who will be there? any guys?"

and like there is a certain list of people that qualify to answer this question. and it usually has to be more than two.

i have never walked to a restaurant that is literally maybe 0.01 miles away from school with my friends after school because my parents said no.

and everytime i meet an indian guy, it's like rubbing salt in the wound. they are free to pursue their passions. they are destroying the academia, playing their way through jazz or other things. being an excellent debater. no matter what they do, they are nice, safe guys even if they lead people on and are generally unsociable.

meanwhile, anytime i speak up, i am rude, loud, annoying, and how dare i give my opinion.

well, i won't say i am the nicest person, but like i do give people chances. for guys, you get the 2 chance rule. i will forgive you twice for anything stupid you do that is a literal obstruction to my life.

I have to otherwise i don't have a legitimate reason for disrespecting someone.

most of the guys on the throwing team for discus and shotput, i hold zero respect for any of them. why? should i respect them for always ignoring what i say? should i respect them for going out of their way to never help me? should i respect them for never and i mean *never* cleaning up after themselves?

Literally a guy from the team shook 4 tied tetherballs in my face. he could have FUCKING HANDED them to me. but he chose to shake them in my face.

another guy kicked my chair during lunch repeatedly. i moved to another chair and it wouldn't stop. i moved back and literally seethed in anger before gathering myself together because my mother would not like to hear that i slapped a dude. i still talk to this guy, but i can never forget this incident. my friend who was sitting opposite to me said that she was going to say something but she saw me about to explode and calm down so she said nothing.

this other guy literally would call my name out whenever he saw me. it's not 'cause he had a crush. in fact, his girlfriend would be standing right next to him and she would laugh too as he kept calling after me and i kept ignoring him. i ignored him because believe me if god gave me strength, i would walk to wherever he was and punch his face in. this was not like a one-time or two time incident. this spanned 2-3 times a week for a couple of months. i changed where i walked, but i could never escape them? like i had to talk to one of my friends who literally called this guy up and gave him a come-to-jesus talk with him.

i often tell people i don't remember things well, and they laugh b/c i'm a straight a student. yes, i have decent memory b/c i pay attention and try to engage with the classroom within the note-taking process. but i can never forget these kinds of incidents.

another thing that happened a year or so ago. we were competing at a track meet at another school and girls varsity was doing shot put while boys varsity was doing discus. so the rest of the guys on my team were just kinda hanging around. one of the freshman and i repeat freshman starts hitting on a senior girl from another school. and without thinking about it, i just make some remark about how this dude's a freshman tryna flirt with her and then we made some light small talk. the next day, the rest of the guys on the throwing team text me saying "you were messing up his game? how could you do that?" and here's I know that's utter bullshit. 1. if that girl's a senior and varsity, she would likely not care about some freshman guy, she could have a boyfriend or be focused on college stuff or just single. 2. a senior girl is not about to accept the advances of a freshman dude 3. this was at a track meet, just before we were about to compete.

like bro, could you have chosen a worse place where conveniently a girl can drop her 10 pound shot put and say "oh, oopsie". like yes, i admit I made a mistake with my phrasing and the fact that i said it, but it did not warrant that kind of reaction from most of the other guys through text.