what do vegans eat

1. children

2. my childhood

3. dreams and aspirations

BONUS: inferiority complex

part 1: children

i think i always just assumed i would have children because it’s what was expected of me…i never considered or thought about getting pregnant, it was just one day i’d have children. the older i get the less i want them, but they still seem to be in like my thoughts when i plan for the future but i feel like it’s a reflex at this point. i want kids in the sense that i can have sex with a woman and cum in her and maybe we have a chance of having a baby. not all these hoops we have to jump through. logically i’d rather not have kids - they’re expensive (egg harvesting if i wanted to have biological kids, ivf, egg storage, sperm storage, and embryo storage), and if they’re mine then they’re very likely to inherit my mental disorders which i wouldn’t want to put any child through, and the world is in literal shambles. why would i bring a child into a world literally doomed in 20 years? still, i’m an only child so it also brings up the thought: since i’m the youngest, it’s likely my whole family will die before me. what if my spouse dies before me? i’ll be all alone. which maybe i’ll be okay with and maybe that won’t happen…but also the thought doesn’t bother me so much as it bothers other people who think about me being old and alone. chances are i won’t even get old. i would adopt, and i would definitely foster…if it came to that. will i even be able to make enough money to sustain myself? will i find a career i enjoy?…and then i spiral.

part 2: my childhood

i still can’t really think about my childhood too long otherwise it physically hurts…i feel like there was so much i missed out on and there are so many things i could’ve been happier about if i was a boy. i could do Boy things and pee standing up in a bush. it’s hard to think about people who just are. like a 6 year old doesn’t think “oh im a 6 year old boy in school” like they just are. but i always felt out of place…i hated swimsuits but i loved swimming…once i hit puberty i didn’t love swimming so much anymore. boys didnt like hanging around me because i was a girl, girls didnt like hanging around me because i was weird and too boyish. i couldn’t focus in school, i didn’t wanna do things…it got worse in middle school. my teachers hated me because i didn’t do anything and boys were starting to go through puberty. i begged to go to an all girl’s school because i couldn’t bare to watch all these boys go through puberty and not me. if i had been born a boy i could’ve gone to neil mcneil. why would i want that? i don’t know why i would but it would’ve been nice to have the option.

i don’t know how to explain it, it’s just like trips to the zoo wouldve been more fun because i wouldnt have had this gnawing in the pit of my stomach that something felt off. i was having fun but something was always a little bit off. all the time no matter what, something was always off.

part 3: dreams and aspirations

i never really had any dreams or aspirations, mostly because nothing really interested me like that but also most of the things i would’ve wanted to do i couldn’t because i hadn’t been born a boy. this may make no sense to a cis person but a trans person would get it. i would’ve loved to be in a band but i couldn’t because i wasn’t born a boy. girls are in bands, yeah, but why would i want to be a Girl in a band? also my hands are small! if i had been born a boy i’d be 6ft tall and beautiful with big hands! 

i was telling lauren about this earlier, and i said “i have all these thoughts that start with “if i had been born a man i would...” and like i understand that a cishet therapist could say to me “just because you werent born a man doesnt mean you cant do these things” but like it kind of does. i was never given the foundation to be able to do those things. if i had been born a man id probably be a lot more confrontational, and more business savvy. i’m not because i was raised a woman, i was raised to not take up space and not challenge or question. 

i was just thinking this now bc i realized if i had been born a man i would have probably aspired to be a baseball player. that wouldve been my dream. but i wasnt born a man, i always knew i could never be in the major leagues because of that, and since i was a girl i was put into a lot of sports before baseball...once i finally got around to it i was too old to start working toward a professional future anyways. so i never had a dream growing up its literally the thought of a dream i couldve had”

BONUS: inferiority complex

this comes with everything in life. every little thing. and it stems from the fact that men really base their manhood around their penis. yeah i know having a penis doesn’t make you a man but it’s the reality. men are competitive mostly because it’ll show that they’re alpha and have a bigger metaphorical dick. men sleep with girls to compete with one another. men literally compare dick sizes and ridicule men with small ones. There was a whole fucking new girl episode about how jess had to bet nick that she would date this guy even though he had a micropenis because it’s such a big sacrifice. and i don’t even have a penis. men hate women and feel their vagina is the epitome of womanhood. so going up to a cishet man and telling him not only do i not have a penis, but i actually have a different set of genitals altogether…well that’s just asking to literally be murdered.

i’ve discovered recently that it makes me really uncomfortable actually that everything is so rooted in sex. i wish i liked it, i wish i craved it, but i’m so grossed out with my body and feel so incomplete that i can’t do it. and it’s so shoved in my face all the time all it does is turn me off from it and make me dysphoric. i know it’s not all about me but like it’s just hard to know that some women only want big beefy men with Monster Dongs. and now i’m worried no one will want me if not only do i not have a penis, but i’m not sex hungry all the time. 

do you know how many times the thought has crossed my mind that if i were a cis man, i could’ve gone to a club, met a girl, taken her home with me, fucked her on her couch, and left. i wouldn’t have had to have a conversation about my body and i wouldn’t have had to warn her…we could’ve not talked at all and it would’ve been fine but i can’t do that. ever. i can’t randomly get a bj or handj i can’t cum on a girl’s face lol i can’t do anything.

straight girls make it worse…at least with queer women you know that they like your body the way it is…i always feel like she feels like something is missing if i’m with a straight girl. it doesn’t help that i’ve read so many stories about trans men who have dated (and even married) women who later cheat on them or leave them because they missed cis men. 

a lot of people say shit like “i’d never even considered that” to a lot of the things i worry about on the daily. which like yeah, i know, because you’re not trans, but also...i can’t believe that’s not something that affects people all the time. it’s hard to have people say the right things…i think our needs (as trans people) are so specific when it comes to words of affirmation and reassurance that it’s disheartening when we don’t get what we need but we can’t express what we need because it’s so out of the realm of understanding for cis people. it’s hard to know that feeling this way (dysphoria) is never going to go away, it’ll just suck a little bit less over time. most of the time if you don’t like your body you can alter it in a way that satisfies you…i’ll never be satisfied, i’ll only ever be able to just tolerate it.