IKEA's Labyrinth

my least favorite literary smut turn of phrase is when a guy is like “im gonna ruin this pussy” “im gonna wreck this pussy for anyone else” like stop.. thats not yours…!

People in stories who get a dramatic phone call always hop in their cars and go “I’m two hours away. I’ll be there in one hour.” and then they are. It’s always half the time. It’s never, “I’m two hours away. I’ll be there in an hour and fifty minutes.” And sometimes it’s not even life or death! Love interest will be like, “what are we?” and suddenly some subaru is going 150 mph up the median on I-5. Everyone’s gonna fuckin throw tomatoes at me and hiss for my brave, controversial take, but I don’t think you should tokyo drift thru a school zone just so you can eat pussy sixty minutes ahead of schedule.

Also, “I’ll be there in half the time,” no you won’t. People also say this is real life, and i do not believe them. I believe they accomplished this one, have based all their travel estimates around this, are otherwise an absolute dickhead aggressively passing in the right hand lane, AND are probably not even en route to pussy