stoner thoughts

My love language is

33% quality time

27% physical touch

20% words of affection

20% acts of service

0% receiving gifts

For anyone curious about their own love language

My family is definitely the kind in which it forgets that kids are humans, humans that are still learning but still very much human. Like telling us not to do something and turning around doing themselves, acting as if they don't make any mistakes while grilling us for ours...nit giving us any type of respect

For example growing up my grandmother liked grabbing (didn't help that my brother would join in) my ass, even after i would tell her stop.. but telling her to stop would get me in trouble by the adults in the room telling me that shouldn't talk to my grandmother like that

Their actions telling me that my grandmother had more rights to my body then me (im not alone)

They was big on asking us at a young age if we had boyfriends or any and every time we had any interactions with the opposite sex that they where our partner... joking or not when you're feeling as if something is wrong with you for not being attracted to what they think you should be attracted to it jusy adds (I'm not saying this fucked me up, im just saying it didn't help me during the time i was thinking something was wrong with me for being gay with their actions saying that i needed to be a boy as if that was my one and only option to pick from)

My earliest memory, is my grandmother trying to "help" me learn spelling and her getting mad and yelling that i was retarded for messing up or for taking too long.

My grandmother treating me as if I'm a overall burden in her life

My grandmother asking around Christmas what i want and then pretty much grilling me for not having the money thing

Being compared to my older brother and always being stupid. Being the hateful grandchild even after all my brother has done from stealing from our grandfather to cussing them out when he doesn't get his way

Most of the super fucked up shit happened between me and grandmother, now that I'm older and don't have to put up with. I don't... for most part I've cut her out... when i was younger i would say i loved her just because she's my grandmother now it's pretty safe to say feeling of hate is mutual, and she can tell me that she loves me all she wants her actions say otherwise amd now for the most part she's either forgotten or acts like she's forgotten what pain she cased me and for the most part my family acts as if i should just be okay now, just be okay with what happened... no bitch just because you're old doesn't make up for the pain you cased me as kid, the shit that still effects me to this day... the answer is no and when and if i forgive her well be done on my time and done for me case i believe to forgive is a act of self love because you're letting go... but most times it's easier said than done.

My mom i feel as if has never done anything to purposely hurt me, depression has also made me feel otherwises but that's depression for ya.. something that happened between us that well always hurt thou....

One day in high school, i wanna say it was my second year of it. My depression as at a all time low, it was the dead of winter and there was snow on the ground and icy parts in the river close to my high school.

This day, was the day i was planning to kill myself... i was going to walk to a jumping point close to the freezing water, undress and jump in.

But i didn't, i had a second voice telling me to get help so thats what i did instead... at the time it was a BIG mistake. I got yelled at by my mom,brother and grandmother. Monked by my brother.

The regret i felt for not going through with my plan that day, is the same regret i feel on my worst days