Ramblings

Back to saying what the hell I want.

November flew by and December showed up with an swift arrival yet I still feel like there is a long checklist of things to do. I feel like I have been surfing the web of life and I have multiple tabs open. I’m clicking each one doing a little bit of work here and there however, still feeling unaccomplished. Human beings are hard on themselves. Why is it every time I’m working on a project I feel there is this imaginary bar set high that has to be met? Why do I feel pressure? No matter how many times I reassure myself that I’m doing fine my brain goes into overload. I’m beginning to think I have a sign on my head that says “TRY ME”. 

The holiday break was solid. I’m always thankful for my TRIBE. Talk about an abundance of love. Love at times rushes through your body so strong that it feels like it is going to knock you down. There’s no negative connotation connected to that, I really feel that full with love. The rebirths your heart experiences over and over takes you to higher heights. It makes you see yourself clearer. I mean, I’m zoomed in. I see every detail of myself with this love. It’s great to live. It’s even greater to experience it. Sometimes you have to let go of the limits you’ve put on love. This make believe notion of love that the world has pushed into your realm and really discover you’re own version. It’ll cater to you. It’ll push you. The love you desire will fit every fabric of your being and stretch you far beyond your boundaries. Welcome it and respect the process. j.g. 

Beyond that, I’m learning. My favorite line to use when I have nothing to justify my procrastination, laziness and sometimes pessimistic ways. It’s a beautiful one liner because although it’s my cop out; it is a very true statement. I am learning continuously. I’m learning how not to sell myself short. I’m turning around the doubtful thoughts that overtime transform into words of admiration for all that I do for myself as well as others. Yes! It is crucial that you take time out to admire the amazing spirit that you are. Give yourself some praise and love! You deserve. On another note, call yourself out. I’m always having honest conversations with myself 99% of the time because the truth is a key element when it comes down to breaking cycles. I have some old habits that pop up or are triggered which lead me down a path of no return...well it feels that way. Thankfully, the best medicine I give my soul is a spiritual revival aka therapeutic remedies. I dedicate the time to take care of myself. If I’m going to commit to my life then I need to go all the way. I can’t expect results as well as change if I’m running game on myself. That’s silly. 

So, as we are all closing out the year. This month is for honesty, truth, commitment and most importantly love. Remember to be gentle with yourself on this journey we’re all doing our best. 

-K.E. 

Goodbye October. You weren’t as bad as I thought. I realize that every time you come around I get a bit anxious. I feel like it’s because most of my transitions happened during this time of year. You taught me that the little things are always going to lead me back to myself. That home is truly where your heart is and for that I’m appreciative. I shed a few tears. I released. I let go. I’ve held on. Now, 

November, hello. I welcome you with a big smile and endless laughter because the universe is oh so comical. I’m open to receiving. I’m open to new experiences. I open to new routes and journey’s. I always do my best to prepare for the shift and will always honor it. I’m thankful for the courage to love and to be loved by those who have the courage to love me. Even when things don’t align it doesn’t mean that the exchange you have with people in your life are in vain. 

The higher phases in life I travel access the more I’m truly enjoying all parts of my life. Who would have known that the less I worry about the outcomes of things the more admittance I’d have to my spiritual realm. I notice I have more control over my emotions. I don’t have a need to stress. If I’m fluid with my emotions and happenings then I should accept things as they go, serenity. I’m no longer entertaining empty expectations. Why open up a space to speak about  matters that I’m not in control of? I’m in control of my reaction. I’m in control of my response. I’m able to look intuitively at myself with a clear start on my mini revelations.

I realize that not everyone I attract or cross paths with will truly understand my stance, presence and insight in life. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean that we can’t co-exist in the same world, it just may mean we can’t co-exist in this present life. We push for things to happen because we’re taught to idolize it. We’re conditioned to think that everyone you meet is meant for you in actuality they may be meant for you in that moment. I’m learning to cherish these moments. I’m basking in them. But I know, when the portal closes and the shift arrives...I honor it. 

As the year is coming to an end in a couple of months I have started to reflect on avenues I’ve traveled down and I’ve started thinking about how each choice I’ve made has effected my growth as well as understanding. Life comes at you fast, as cliche as that sounds it’s true. There are moments where you’re comfortable with how things are going, you have a system and then suddenly a change sneaks up on you. However, in my spiritual realm I’ve noticed that the signs arrive sometimes frequently or sporadically either way they are present. 

In the past I would complain but I have grown through my adversity where now I’am comfortable with change. I used to have a tendency to hold on to situations, people and experiences but that kept me complacent. Now, with many ups and downs I have finally found my peace. With my new found awakening, I’m mastering the skill of releasing as I learn to understand that what is for me will be for me and what isn’t you let go. It’s easier said then done but with the use of my favorite word since speaking with one of my close friends, I must be diligent. 

I owe it to myself to stay committed to the journey that I am on. I recently had a restorative conversation with someone I had a fallen out with. I loved this person beyond words but they weren’t on the same frequency as me. As hard as it was to grasp it took various cycles to bring me to this point of diligence and consistency. During our talk I didn’t blame anyone for the outcome, I wasn’t argumentative nor did I entertain the typical “back and forth” approach. Instead, I started off with an apology for tactics I utilized in the mist of our transition and took accountability for my actions. It felt good to clear the air and in that moment I felt mature as well as strong about my decision. Just because I made peace doesn’t mean I go back on my word. We have to honor the process. There’s no stepping backwards because the goal is to always move forward.

I think it is important to realize that nature will run it’s course. You may have in your mind exactly how you want the next few months of your life to look like or even your future. The reality is you can plan but you’re direction is constantly changing and you are always growing. Through my commitment, I’ve been able to receive blessings that I’ve blocked all because I was afraid to accept things as they are. I’ve been able to experience great moments in my life, teachable happenings, and laughter. I’m no longer allowing my situations, people, or experiences to hold it’s weight over my head. I’m freeing myself, constantly. 

There’s something therapeutic about flying. My mind gets lost in the landscape and curves of the earth. I stare at each cloud as I pass by wondering which spirits are taking a rest on them. I have a few flight rituals, usually my notepad app is open and I’m writing down all the things I want to release while I’m in the air. Atlanta, you were good to me. Atlanta, you felt like home. In the famous words of Andre 3000, “I hope that you’re the one/ if not, you are the prototype.”  Let’s just say I had a revealing time and without going into detail about my adventures, I met and seen some beautiful beings. 

On the other hand, as a writer we’re a master at the fluidity of language and for the most part expression, too. The thought process that goes behind what we want to say vs. how we say it; isn’t always in alignment. I may feel one way, however out my mouth comes an overflow of sonnets. In instant, it isn’t until I notice the response my words warrant and I’m typically freaking out because I put too much passion behind the simplicity of the matter. That causes me to ask myself, “How did I get here?” I humbly brag at the ability to self-reflect and put the feelings of others before mine. Yet, as of late I’ve been feeling rather rebellious to the norms. 

Atlanta, you had energy that swirled me back to the roots of myself without notice. I’m a boss, creative, mouthy, outspoken and assertive; characteristics of myself that I realize I’ve hidden at the expense of making others feel good. You reminded me that being carefree and not apologizing for being myself has always been my norm. In the short time spent with you, I’m back to myself. The suppression I once felt for years has lifted. I’m getting the excitement that change brings about, a little nervous but I welcome it. I’m ready to officially turn a new leaf without hesitation this go around. I’m starting to realize more and more of the importance of releasing your control as well as the hold you have on things in your life. I guess I can say after listening to months of SZA CTRL it solidified that feeling even more.

Freefalling into the process of situations and experiences is a part of life. Now, how willing am I to comply with this notion? As humans we tend to ignore the signs and just end up in an consistent cycle of bullsh*t. To be clear, you know exactly what you need to do at times and there is nothing wrong with arriving back at the beginning. Just know that there will come a time where life will catapult you into change whether you’re ready or not. In that given time you have to muster up the courage to come face to face with it. When you do, you’ll be a mess but you’ll be a healthy mess that has chosen to put your best self forward even when things don’t make sense. If we knew what to expect every step of the way we’d drive ourselves mad. Instead, I’m learning through this phase and journey in my present life to take what I witness as it comes and release it as it goes. I’m glad to be here and in all humor feel like I’m maturing even more because of it. Atlanta, I guess this is my first love letter to you and I’m hoping it won’t be my last. Till we cross paths again…

As a child, I was highly intuitive when it came down to my feelings and the emotions of others. I spent a great deal of time writing in journals about various experiences, prayers, songs and poems. I even use to write down the names of my future children; ironically even at the tender age of 13 my mother like qualities were present. Nonetheless, I express gratitude to my loving heart that poured quickly into the things I were most passionate about; love, creating and family.

In my physical realm, I am learning further about the importance of honoring time. I spend majority of it overthinking and a small portion of it not thinking at all. Some balance, right? Well, I know for a fact that honoring my time especially when it comes down to creating is one thing I can work on. Oddly, this invisible weight falls down on me and the need to produce product becomes my only thought. Spiritually as well as mentally when I am pushed to do something on the spot that isn’t organic I know my results will be sub par. I am basic but in my mind that equates to simplicity and the only thing I can sing to myself is a line by Lauryn Hill, “It could all be so simple/but you rather make it hard/”. Why must we make things hard? We take matters into our hands that only require a few steps and instead add about 20 more unnecessary ones.

As I ponder on my dying need to remain relevant in my craft, I can’t help but notice the disconnect between my creative life and my love life. My creative life is freeing. I come and go as I please. I fly under the radar and prefer it that way. At times, I don’t say too much about it. Sometimes I don’t say anything at all, for a while...a very long time. I just formulate the idea in my mind and execute it. Most of the time my creative life is good to me. Whereas, my love life on the other hand...that’s another blueprint. My love life has released a few holds upon me but I’m still working out the remaining kinks. I’d like to think that where I am now I’m gradually shifting into a different paradigm. I’m remaining firm to my core but allowing my feet to shuffle around on new turf. I’m giving myself freedom to feel uncomfortable, to be strange and open. My mindset of having a foundation still remains but I never knew that your subconscious would change/alter your perspective. At times I wonder where my desires come from and how long have these emotions been dwelling in my belly. I’d like to unravel more but knowing me I’m unsure of where it will lead but to say the least I am happy that I’m traveling to places that are unknown but feel familiar. As a new world welcomes me, I can only help but to think? For once, am I allowing love to free me.

Peace Anon! 

I hope this message finds you well. Experiencing your first heartbreak can bring you an array of emotions. There is no “exact” way to get over heartbreak. I believe we all handle ourselves with care differently. I want you to think of ways that you implement self-care. Make a list of things you’d like to do that will bring you those happy endorphin's and stick to it. If the unsettling feelings of your experience resurfaces, ask yourself some guided questions. What made me feel this way? Write it out and then crumble it up and toss it! (One of my favorite exercises to do lol) It symbolizes a release and you are working towards releasing those feelings. 

If you feel as though the lingering feelings of your situation are no longer present. Welcome the shift! Take a deep breath and realize that you’re honoring yourself in this moment. What you once experience doesn’t define who you are, it is simply apart of your journey. 

Much respect and love to you my dear,

Warsan Shire’s writing pulls me in like a current and I can never look away until a few tears come streaming down my face. In honor of my girl Beyoncé, her song resentment fills my ears. I linger on to every word being sung recalling that one time this song was relevant to my life. On top of this trip down memory lane, the time of the month already has my body wanting to hibernate. It is a natural monthly subscription that I have a love hate relationship with. As I’m scrolling through the many quotes and poems of Warsan, one instantly stabs me with a dose of reality.

 It read,  

“I won’t glorify or romanticize heartbreak, for me it was a kind of death and I was forced to keep living.”  

I scoff, not at what she wrote but at myself. I have done a decent job at forgetting my heartache. I took all the steps I was told or read about that ideally should help you get over someone. I’ve blocked. I’ve deleted. I’ve detached. I put myself back out there. Except, I have been trying the same steps over a course of time and yet here I am. Why the hell do I keep arriving at the same door? This time with less emotion and fortunately keen awareness of the significance of this journey. That’s neither here nor there although it truly made me wonder why we’re so quick to want to “bounce back” instead of processing the emotion we may feel towards it or better yet...them. 

To a degree, I’m not mad at the heartache. The more I reflect and process the experience over time less and less it’s in the spotlight. I am changing the narrative over to my reality. The reality is that being heartbroken sucks. There are days that you don’t feel anything at all. Other times, you’re bossed up and ready for the world. You may wake up feeling like you’ll never matter to anyone but that’s when you do your best to show yourself that you do matter. If someone can’t see me for who I am then I have to move forward. That’s not the easiest step to take by the way. I could talk about leaving someone but have my mind wrapped around them again in no time. Whew, breaking the cycle is rough stuff but embracing the process with grace somehow allowed me to step away. Once the cycle is interrupted the challenge is staying diligent, focusing and doing your best to stay off their social media. I’m half way there yet proud of myself for baring all that I am to later on receive my blessing. 

I know this time that where I have arrived does not look the same. It feels different. It’s open. It’s honest. It’s raw. This level of transparency at times makes me feel uncomfortable but isn’t that what change and growth feels like? Strive to push yourself pass the limits you once feared. Look yourself in the eyes and declare that the battle is already won, now all you need is to step up and take your prize. What’s your prize? What do you get for overcoming? You get a piece of mind. You get clarity. Notably, you get yourself back. 

As the season changes, fall is the time I reflect on my most recent transitions. I use that word often when describing myself, my journey or experiences. Also, spiritually my transitions hold meaning. I often wander through my spiritual realm frequently. At times I’m asking God questions and other times I’m piecing together matters of my life. I noticed a running trend in a recent experience that made me hysterically happy. That running trend wasn’t the amount of break-ups or unsuccessful relationships I’ve been in, although my roster was starting to concern me (insert loud obnoxious laughing here). No, this time the focus was back to where it needed to be. Strictly on the changes and transitions in my life that were being made. 

During the summer months, I’m fairly happy. I spend time with my tribe and eat as much as I can. I’m creating. I’m celebrating. I soak up sun and laugh constantly. Among those things, I usually am the most hungry for love. I’m still searching for clearer understanding on that but my heart is overflowing with a volume of compassion, more than usual. I also noticed that I started seeing a series of butterflies at very random points of my day. Now, I know it is summer time and I would expect to see them. But, there is something special about the times I do. It is typically around the time my spirit needs a brief reminder. Or I’m battling on making a decision or two. 

I’ve read resources that share about the symbolism of butterflies and how they are used as a spiritual messenger. My connection to butterflies began when I experienced a significant loss in my family and from then on whenever I see them it is a small reminder that their life lives on. Though, it is my reminder as well that my life lives on too. At the peak of summer, I was reverting back to my old ways of pain, confusion and dishonesty. That’s no shame, just a realization. Within that realization was my ability to release myself from the very ways that have never been healthy for me. It’s amazing how a situation can flip you upside down, have you forgetting and questioning yourself. However, it’s the grace that the universe extends you, that God gives you and that you give yourself; it transforms you like a butterfly in a cocoon. That’s one of the beautiful things about butterflies and the act of transformation. 

No falsehood in love, relationships and experiences will stray me away from the main spotlight: ME! Whew! That felt good ya’ll. Not as bad as I thought. I felt when I had begin this post I was going to wallow into a blame game and list my blocked numbers. I welcome this awakening and I am grateful for the ability to continue to rise through the ashes of all things that were temporary and of my past. I am to be loved. I am love. Most importantly I AM who I AM more and more. 

The reality of it all is that things are exactly how they seem. I used to think that people were pretending but based off of my calculations and bold experiences that was a lie. I’m over making excuses for how people treat me. I’d sit there writing a dissertation, preaching to the choir about people who would hold their tongue for me. I wonder why we do that by default? Why do we stick up for people who wouldn’t do the same? 

At one point and many other times, I thought I was the one who needed to change just to satisfy who was taking me through hell and high waters. I’m learning on this journey that the universal God will circle you right back around to revisit a matter you have yet to address.But, this go around I’m more enlighten, less stressed and emotional about breaking away.  I’m learning to trust my intuition more. I’m learning to trust myself and the process. I’m learning to stay focus. Also come to an understanding that you can make things look good but if they aren’t why pretend? 

The truth is always revealed whether you're ready or not. I noticed that I’m good at suppressing feelings because of the trauma I experienced when I was growing up. I’m good at submitting myself just to give the other person what they want so I won’t have to deal with the backlash. I found myself doing that greatly in most of my relationships. That need to please just so that person will eventually realized that what they are doing hurts you and because you love them so much; they’ll stop. I’m more aware now that it doesn’t work like that. You can’t make someone love you. You can’t make someone respect you. You can’t even make someone change. You just have to learn in this present life that the one person you have to take healthy care of is you. As you travel through life, the more you pour into yourself the higher you elevate, the harder you love. 

I know that my relationships weren’t healthy. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I do know that my next relationship(s) however I journey will be healthy. I’m no longer serving myself up freely. I’m charging my experiences to the game, humbly I’m moving forward towards what I deserve no matter how many times I have to pick up where I left off. 

Windows down as I'm driving in this humid weather. Rihanna is blasting through my speakers singing about how she goes hard. The lyrics consume me and suddenly I’m singing along too. This time louder than the music with a lot of passion when just moments before I was laying on my apartment floor crying. Yeah, funny how every fabric of our day is never the same but depression makes me feel like everyday is a rerun. Adult life isn't always cotton candy and unicorns. I spend most of my time figuring out what I need to get done and by the time I have it figured out its about 3 a.m. on a Wednesday. No one told me that you had to be organized, financially stabled, working a full time job with benefits and have an annual salary of $55,000 or more to survive. Well, I’m checking things off the list and you can assume which ones a sistah doesn’t have..yet. 

Naturally obsessing over my thoughts, it gets old having to discuss the same thing with my tribe. In no order, I’m always talking about..

my boobs 

food

music

working out 

depression

anxiety

special projects

relationships 

kids 

my job

I’m sure I’m not a burden but it feels that way. Why is it that every time we go through something that clearly is going to end up screwing us in the end; we feel ashamed telling our friends? Okay, yes there is always that one friend who gives you amazing advice and in that moment you feel liberated and agree to said advice only to end up doing the SAME STUPID SHIT again. We all go through it, it’s called LIFE LESSONS. I’m learning to embrace the mess and allow it to humble me. There is nothing wrong with you cycling around the block a few times, it is however important for you to utilize what you learn time and time again. I call them tools. USE THEM. So here I am, humble, sitting down and owning up to the 4 years of inconsistency I allowed myself to experience. Do I feel angry? Played? Petty? I’ll let you choose which one I am about 50-75% of the time and angry or played isn’t one of them. 

On a serious note, I appreciate the 4 year journey because it has played a large part in shaping me into who I am in this present time. I’m still as lovable as ever but this time with much more resilience, humility, knowledge of self and a whole heap of forgiveness. Well, maybe with just a little bit of petty.  I’m making note of who I am in this present time, my blessings and where I’m headed; I feel full. 

I'll be brutally honest and say that I am constantly evolving unexpectedly. I'm the type of woman who can become obsessed with the need to know what comes next and unfortunately at times that mentality doesn't couple well with my anxiety. But, I'm not throwing salt at the spontaneous journey life takes me on. Actually, I applaud life. It's like a roller coaster ride that you've been gearing yourself up for. At this point you've convinced yourself not to be scared to sit in the seat all the way in the front. So, you're gradually creeping to the top feeling confident in your decisions as of late, you reach the peak of the ride and suddenly it drops whether your ready or not.

Oh hell no! I wasn't ready, I scream at the universe often due to the many lessons I experience when I'm not prepared. Next thing you know,  I'm waking up after my third alarm, tripping over clothes on the floor and frustrated with my hair because my twist out didn't pop the way I wanted. Why is it that when you're planning for things it seems to fizzle out of control? It's only when you aren't giving your busy thoughts the time of day that you find a bit of peace and order. I realized in the 27 years I've been on this earth that I have minimal control over how things transpire in my life. Being spiritually grounded, I believe that the universe is in control and there are no worries. Well, I believe in God and I know despite my potty-mouth-always asking question-heada** that the most high got me.

I make perfect mistake that lead me to the highest of self so for that I am thankful. I think we naturally put too much pressure on ourselves to uphold a certain "status quo" or "image" when in reality no one is checking for you. I live my life how I want simply because I feel at peace with it. Of course, there are things I'm forever healing from to add, things I'm working on too. I'm proud of who I am and I strive to never ever have to seek someone's approval because of it. I've spent most of my life apologizing to others because of my existence. It's time I start apologizing to myself for letting people treat me less than I deserve. So, here I am. Starting over AGAIN. No shame. Just here to bring you brutally honest writing this time with a cup of tea & laughter.