Radiant Radium

Especially as a teen, without reliable parents, there were older women and men in my life who were there for me in many ways like a parent could be, but it would've been such a disservice to us both if I were to consider these people as a “mother” or “father”.

The relationship between a child and parent is so unbalanced and it should be. Parents are meant to shoulder burdens and be there for their child while not expecting the same.

Whereas I don't think found family is like that. It's an ecosystem without rigid rules that can’t be defined or structured by age or other simple categorizations.

I had elders in my life, who I could look up to for wisdom — many I would call mentors — but it wasn't one-sided. These people cared and counted on me as well and I learned the importance of reciprocity in a relationship.

People seem to want to shy away from that concept now, especially with the popularisation of “you don’t owe anyone anything” but I think when you grow up having to rely on people for basic needs — people who seriously don’t owe you anything — you learn very early on that there is always a give and take.

But that doesn't have to be a bad thing. (And most of the time the “give” is just basic kindness)

Like one of the most important people in my life as a kid was this 70 year old woman who’d been through hell and back. She bought me food, took me places so I didn’t have to be home and instilled in me the same brand of defiant hope that lives inside of me to this day. And I enjoyed being able to help her around the house or be a shoulder for her when she needed it.

And it was the same with the people who used to drive me to NA or AA meetings as a teen or the sponsor who took me through the 12 Steps. These people were (and some still are) my friends, my confidants, and my family. We helped each other and relied on each other in so many ways.

Anyway, nobody asked but I think everyone has a place in their chosen/found family, but it can’t be so easily defined.