riddikulus

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

Harry Potter character aesthetics:     Parvati Patil 

It was the indicator that someone in the wizarding world of England was apparating unregistered. The blinking blue light made him frown heavily.

Brian wasn’t technically licensed to walk up to his boss and tell him about it. He was simply supposed to record it so that at the end of the day, the higher ups would look over the records and visit the people that needed visiting.

Easy job. See the flash, mark it down.

But the problem was, Brian knew that every single seventeen year old that passed their apparition test got licensed right away. Right after the test they passed. Right there at the fucking table before they walked out of the testing hall in Hogwarts.

So who the fuck was this little bitch setting off the indicator for the fifth time today?

Brian pulled over the big book, flipping it slowly to the latest page where he would write down the date, time and area of where the apparition had taken place. He frowned at the other entries, written in all throughout the day.

The person before his job didn’t tell him anything.

His higher-ups didn’t say anything.

Was this little fucker just showing up now, the day Brian started work?

He found himself clutching the book of records in his hands tight, walking over to his boss Cheryl’s office. She was pleasant, but coming to her on the first day of the job seemed unadvised. Either way, he had to get to the bottom of this little…problem.

“Hey, Cheryl. I’m Brian Hornesky from the apparition department. I’m on duty for marking down unregisters?”

“Ah yes, of course,” she said with a perky smile. “How can I help you? How’s the work?”

Brian smiled. “It’s fine. But…I was just wondering…” He laid the record book on her desk and flipped it to the most recent page. “Today there were five unregister indications. I don’t…maybe…” He looked up to see Cheryl looking down at it with a sheepish expression. “Ma’am?”

“I’m afraid we had forgotten to tell you. Unregisters blink red. You’ve been seeing a blue light, correct?” Brian nodded. “Then that’s Harry Potter.”

“Harry Potter.”

“Yes. He’s-“

“An unregister.

Cheryl nodded.

“Has anyone…told him?”

Cheryl shook her head.

Brian felt at loss. “Why not?”

His boss looked equally uncomfortable. “It’s…Don’t you think it’s embarrassing? He’s what, twenty-eight by now? I think… We’ve kind of just given up. That’s why his specific light is blue. Don’t mind it.”

He stared at her for a bit before sighing. Fucking privileged.

—

The light blinked again and Brian threw his recreational book down, glaring at the light. It flashed blue and it took all Brian had to not take his wand and reducto the machine.

Because of training, he had taken to being alert whenever the light flashed.

Even if it was blue.

Every fucking time it was blue.

endless list of favorite movies (in no particular order) — harry potter series 

ALL THE SPOILERS ARE TRUE AND JUST AS ABJECTLY RIDICULOUS IN CONTEXT AS THEY SOUND OUT OF CONTEXT, H O W E V E R, ALL THE SPOILERS NEGLECTED TO MENTION THAT: 

a) everything Scorpius Malfoy says and does will make you want to strap on armour and charge into battle for love of him, 

b) one of Scorpius’s first lines is ‘I’ve always regarded the Pepper Imp as the king of the confectionary bag’, which renders the whole Everyone Thinks Scorpius Is Voldemort’s Son subplot/mystery UTTERLY UNNECESSARY because OF COURSE THIS RIDICULOUS CHILD IS THE FRUIT OF DRACO MALFOY’S LOINS, 

c) Draco gets some weighty shit to say/is just Redemption Arc AF all the way through, so 

d) HAZ AND DRAZ MAKE FRIENDS and 

e) Draco gets to join The Gang for World-Saving Hijinks, which means 

f) some scenes are DRARRY AF AS FUCK, but mainly 

g) everything about this play will make you Team Malfoy Forever, holy shit, like, wtf, 

h) at one point Harry and Draco are duelling and Draco goes ‘Keep up, old man’ and Harry’s like ‘WE’RE THE SAME AGE, DRACO’ which made me laugh so hard I had to put the book down for a good five minutes, 

i) it also bears mentioning that RON AND HERMIONE ARE IN LOVE IN EVERY TIMELINE, god bless @whoever the hell wrote this thing, 

j) speaking of whoever wrote this thing, they took the whole ‘Harry couldn’t really hear the commentary during the first Triwizard Task very well from his position in the Champions’ Tent’ and handed us Ludo Bagman yelling DOG DIGGITY, CEDRIC DIGGORY, YOU ARE A DOGGY DYNAMO! which I will be forever thankful for, 

k) Albus and Scorpius make their great escape off the Hogwarts Express while it’s in motion and the trolley witch turns into a terrifying Immortal Guardian of the Train and hurls explosive pasties at them, while casually dropping into the admittedly weird conversation that Fred’n’George and the Marauders all tried to get off the train while it was moving, EMPHASIS ON ‘TRIED’, 

l) turns out my SCORP LAD WOT LAD “joke” was completely inaccurate as, world-ending and illegal shenanigans aside, Scorpius and Albus are BORING NERDS, but 

m) their entire relationship is a personification of the ‘I would follow you to the ends of the earth with only mild complaining’ text post, and 

n) I am 100% positive that by the time they turn 16 they will be Experimenting and Laughing It Off while also Staring Wistfully At Each Other While The Other One’s Not Paying Attention, because oh my god, they are completely smitten with each other, LITERALLY, 

o) when plot things happen and Harry won’t let them see each other anymore, there’s an ENTIRE MONTAGE of them being DESOLATE AND DISTRAUGHT, the word “heartbroken” is used about both of them, Draco bursts into Harry and Ginny’s house like ‘MY SON IS IN TEARS POTTER, WTF’, it’s all very Fraught and Forbidden Romance-y, and when they’re allowed to be friends again they’re like ‘you’re… the best person I know… you… make me stronger…’ ‘…!! … that’s so nice… I didn’t like my life without you in it… !!!’ and then Albus tells Scorpius he’s kind from the depths of his belly to the tips of his fingers which is the most ROMANTIC SHIT I HAVE EVER READ IN MY LIFE, ALBUS POTTER GOT GAME SON, but anyway, they’re in love, fight me, WHAT ELSE? 

p) Harry does all the cooking, 

q) Draco gets excited about a farmer’s market, 

r) Ron is the fucking best person on planet earth, probably, 

s) Harry and Draco burst into Slytherin and try to get up to the dormitory to find Albus and Scorpius and this one kid is yelling at them like ‘PARENTS AREN’T ALLOWED IN THE HOUSE COMMON ROOMS WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF-’ and McGonagall just appears and says ‘Please don’t be tiresome, Craig’ and honestly if I was Craig I’d never show my face again, 

t) I forgot to mention that in the weird Voldemort Day Blood Ball Scorpion King AU Scorpius gets to talk to Snape and blah blah blah plot Snape is giving him a pep talk like ‘Think about Albus. You’re giving up your kingdom for Albus, right? One person. All it takes is one person.’ which is just… indescribably romo, and 

u) in the Voldemort Day Blood Ball Scorpion King AU dark Draco Malfoy is still better at dadding than regular timeline Harry Potter, which I don’t think any of us saw coming, 

v) Harry asks Draco what he wanted to do as a grown-up when he was a kid and Draco says ‘Quidditch. But I wasn’t good enough. Mainly I wanted to be happy.’ which is honestly just fucking savage and I can’t believe I lived through it, ALSO I had to read the line ‘It is exceptionally lonely, being Draco Malfoy’ with my own eyes, so I’m taking tomorrow off work, 

w) this incredibly soul-baring and candid convo comes on the heels of HARRY COMING FOR DUMBLEDORE(’S PORTRAIT) ABOUT HOW DUMBLEDORE TREATED HARRY AND I HAVE LITERALLY NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE. he yells at Dumbledore until Dumbledore is LITERALLY WEEPING. I don’t even want to tell you what he says because you all need to experience that moment of cleansing rightness in your lives, 

x) despite all the batshit plot things, the play actually deals with all the characters’ traumas FAR BETTER than the series ever did. we get actual GINNY and TOM RIDDLE shit in this play guys! it gets talked about! how it affected Ginny gets talked about! Harry has nightmares! Harry vents his feelings! Draco tells Harry about how alone he felt and how that sent him to such a bad place! Draco, Ginny and Harry understand each other and bond over shared trauma! who the fuck expected this! not fucking me! 

y) I was emotional as hell throughout because I’m nothing if not dramatic but there’s a bit towards the very end involving HAGRID, THE BEST DUDE, that legit made me sob my little heart out from the agony of two decades’ worth of accumulated feelings about this series,