yeah, that too

lacy dies in an eight-car pile-up on the highway four years later (during emery's ms4 year).

emery finds out during her cardiology rotation, which is ironic because she thinks her heart stops. she goes home early that day and doesn't come back for another three days. the only reason she eats or showers is because yolanda (a friend from med school forums, ms2) comes over and makes her. after those three days, she goes back to rotations and finishes the year. then she hops right into her residency and just keeps going because stopping would mean thinking and processing. she shuts off her emotions at work and becomes emery walsh, the incredibly competent surgery resident that scares all the others.

five years later, after she's moved to pittsburgh, her residency is over, and she's started her fellowship, she meets samira. her emotions are completely divided between pure guilt over someone coming after lacy and pure joy because no one has made her feel this way since lacy.

(does loving samira mean she doesn't love lacy? does it mean she's forgotten about her?)

years later, she will have mostly moved past it, but the thought will still nag her.

samira knows about lacy and leaves emery alone on lacy's birthday and death day. emery always takes the day off and goes to sit by her grave, alone. she brings flowers and cries and goes home and sleeps alone. samira knows lacy existed, but she did not know lacy.

after they have been dating for a year and a half, samira asks emery if she can come with her on one of her smaller visits to lacy. emery is surprised but she says yes. it's kind of nice to have samira there as she cries. not saying anything or touching her, but there nonetheless as a silent i'm here for you. afterwards, samira drives her home and makes her hot chocolate and gives her a cookie she'd made earlier in the week.

this is the first time that it hits emery that samira does not resent her for having a wife or a life partner before her. she is happy to share emery's love.

as the years go by and they get married, samira occasionally goes with emery to the short visits. during the day-long ones during lacy's birthday and deathday samira packs her meals and water and is always waiting when she gets home. emery's favorite part about it is that samira never expects anything from her on these days.

when they have kids, samira makes sure they know that it's a rough day for your mom, so make sure to give her a hug before school and it's not your fault if she's sad. emery feels bad that she's so closed off on these days, even decades later, and ends up whispering to her kids that mom isn't mad at you and you didn't make her sad. mom loves you so much. it's a rough day for mom but she loves you and her sadness isn't your responsibility.

emery knows that samira cares about her--and by extension her grief about lacy, but she figures that samira only thinks about lacy as an extension of emery, a fragment of grief rather than her own person.

until one day samira tags along to a visit to the grave. she sits with emery while she talks, rubs her back like she always does when she comes. when emery mumbles into between tears that she wants to take a lap alone samira says of course i'll be right here.

when emery gets in distance of the grave ten minutes later, samira is still sitting there, but her mouth is moving. i just wanted to say thank you for making her her, i wish i could have met you, thank you for trusting me with her. the words are spoken in a low voice, and emery can tell that she has only witnessed half of the conversation, but it hits her nevertheless.

she loves samira so much, but another devastating wave of love for her hits emery in that moment. she finds herself running the rest of the distance back to samira and pulling her into the biggest bone crushing, snotty hug she's ever given.