gosh darn fiddlesticks

Planet Suckulon 5 has declared war on Earth

hey sorry it's just that i don't think i'm very good at being a person. thanks for letting me try with you, anyway.

I’m obsessed with my 19 year old coworker. I was telling him about how my crashout divorced dad got a sugar mommy by going to random churches and having screaming sobbing breakdowns in the pews until a random rich christian widow was like ‘I can fix him’. And he went ‘yo thats tech. The meta is changing.’

Everyone envies me for my shrimp lighter

"you couldnt make seinfeld today" you couldve made seinfeld in 45 B.C.

[Image Description: Tumblr tags writing out the following script: George: I went to the augur today and my augury was just 'bird left'. Jerry: Just bird left? George: Yeah the bird left. All the birds left. Jerry: So what does it mean? George: I don't know!! He didn't give me an augury because there weren't any birds!! Kramer: It's a bad omen when the birds leave. Can't just dismiss that. One week all the rats left my insula and I had a bad back for a month. Jerry: Can't be that bad. Kramer: Birds are much worse than rats, is all I'm saying. George I didn't even get an augury. It's just a ripoff. You should get your money back if there aren't any birds. George: Next time I'll just go to the vates. Or see an astrologer. End Image Description.]

have you or a loved one been diagnosed with asshole? you may be entitled

i forgot what i was saying mid sentence but this may actually be the best joke ive ever made

you want to be mommy’s adjective noun, don’t you, pet name? you want to verb and verb for mommy like a good gender

But this is genuinely a shitty act against humanity.

A free-range group therapy called "get herded, idiot", where you and everyone in your group is set loose to run around on an open field while a highly trained shepherd dog tries to keep you all in one group. I am not sure what benefit this would have for anyone involved.