Listen, have you considered? cats?

Kermit going: “However-“ and immediately firing a pistol repeatedly is fantastic and my new favorite clap back for literally anything

Oh, to be granted the power to speak to animals for just like 38 seconds, so that I could tell this pebble-brained feathery fuckass that nobody is impressed that he started singing earlier than anybody else. There's no bird pussy available at 2 am. The dames can sense your desperation. Stop screaming for at least three more hours.

how many times do you think celegorm's been woken up at 2am by a distraught brother asking him to tell the birds to shut up

Three times a week for 2,000 years

"she thinks this is bonding behavior" my friend this has BECOME your bonding behaviour

[Video description: Video of a person using a spray bottle on their kitchen countertop, only for the camera to pan over to find another person holding a cockatoo in the same position as the cockatoo imitates the sound of the spray bottle. Both people struggle to hold back laughter in the video. end description]

First season of FMA:B is actually unreasonably funny because every episode at the 2 minute mark Ed goes “remember Al we can’t let anyone know our bodies are metal and we committed human transmutation. Because the military will probably execute us” and then every episode at the 14 minute mark Ed is screaming at the top of his lungs about how he and Al are made of metal and committed human transmutation. And also the President of the Military is there smiling and nodding and not giving a fuck because Ed is the military’s specialist little boy and he’s expressly permitted to commit murder in the streets and do arson and treason and tax evasion if he’s got enough hands for it and that’s completely fine because, as previously stated, he’s their specialist little sacrifice boy.

And also the military already knows he committed human transmutation and they think that’s really really great. It’s their favorite Edward Elric fun fact.

Asdfghjkl her perfectly straight face and even tone throughout should win an AWARD