fukk🖕

you never searched, you never knew,

i made it far too easy for you.

i begged in silence, wore my pride,

while all my worth was pushed aside.

someone else once made me shine,

though they no longer call me mine.

lurking again where your echoes grew,

helped me get over someone new.

still, losing you set my heart free

a strange goodbye that rescued me.

i'd say im a cheap or frugal person. i always count my money, spend wisely, and believe every damn penny matters. i started budgeting allowances for my siblings when we were left to figure things out on our own at the age of 11. our papa was only home on weekends, and he would leave us a one-week allowance for food and school expenses, so i guess being careful with money became a habit early on. thats why my previous rants about the guy who ripped us off with the material costs for our house renovation really got to me. that mf bothered me so much i couldnt sleep properly for two weeks.

sometimes i wonder if im too soft because i easily lower my walls for people who seem unfortunate, especially those with medical conditions and kids(except badjaos who spits like a llama). when i was 18, i saw someone whose stomach was open and only covered with plastic. it was honestly traumatic and sad because i couldnt do anything to help. i even imagined myself getting rich someday by pyramiding so i could help people in situations like that. (funny enough, i almost got caught up in a pyramiding scheme, but i didnt have money to join, so they didnt get to scam me.)

tonight, while walking home, i saw a man carrying a toddler and asking for some change. he was also holding a pieceof nebule. since im asthmatic too, i assumed maybe his child was dealing with the same thing, but i dont really know. i immediately gave him my 20-peso coin.

after that, i started thinking "damn, shouldve just given 3pesos instead" and now im thinking again am i a horrible person for thinking that way?idk

ang ganda ng pwesto kanina

sa jeep sa tabi ng driver

ang bilis ng takbo

parang puso mabilis ang tibok

gantong moments problema saglit nalilimot

ngunit bandang luzon jeep nagka problema

thought "transfer nnmn"

but si driver pumara ng di lang isa kundi dalawang jeep para jeep itulak

and at last jeep muli umandar

at mabilis umarangkada

somewhere i read that cold water or drinks don’t cause cough or mucus, but i grew up being told otherwise, and right now i feel like that might actually be true. i usually notice my mucus gets better when i drink acetylcysteine powder, but this past month i’ve been having a lot of cold drinks because of the heat and el niño. now my mucus is worse, my throat hurts, and it’s so itchy that it’s making me cough. i’m supposed to go out tomorrow, but i don’t think i’ll be able to speak properly. i just spoke to someone and kept coughing a few times because of the itchiness, and when i cough it feels like my throat is going to tear apart.

i’ve seen people say that cold water or drinks don’t cause cough or mucus, but i grew up being told otherwise, and right now i feel like that might actually be true. i usually notice my mucus gets better when i drink acetylcysteine powder, but this past month i’ve been having a lot of cold drinks because of the heat and el niño. now my mucus is worse, my throat hurts, and it’s so itchy that it’s making me cough. i’m supposed to apply tomorrow, but i don’t think i’ll be able to speak properly. i just spoke to someone and kept coughing a few times because of the itchiness, and when i cough it feels like my throat is going to tear apart.

there are things i dont know

there are times when i want to cry

there are times when i want to runaway

🎶how many nights have you wished someone would stay?

lie awake only hoping they're okay

i never counted all of mine

if i tried, i know it would feel like infinity🎧

ps. its been bout a year now, still im grateful, so grateful

she’s had a pretty tough experience with some of her subjects and skills way back in college. in discrete subj, she really struggled and even got scores like 0 and 1 out of 50 that she even decided to throw the booklet to the trash to avoid humility at one point. topics didn’t stick easily, so she had to review and rewrite her notes many times just to memorize and retain the material. and never been able to solve a rubik’s cube.

in other technical subjects like data structures, she also had a hard time understanding core concepts such as binary and ascii, and she ended up relying on cheating just to pass. even so, she does have basic knowledge in programming languages like c, c++, and java.

because of these struggles, she often feels like she’s behind compared to others, especially in areas like database programming that she feels she should already know by now. in job interviews, she also tends to overthink simple questions like why should we hire you? and usually prepares a lot in advance, relying on google, ai, and rehearsing possible answers just to manage her responses.

there are things in this world

that we cant do anythinh about

fighting is not the only way

its wiser to drink and forget about it

—gengai, gintama

she realized so many things this past year. she always tells herself that at least she was able to leave her job before it was too late, and that at least she was there to handle her papa’s wake and funeral. but deep inside, she still regrets not leaving her job earlier like she originally planned. if she did, maybe she would’ve had more time with her papa, who only came home twice a week most of the time. their schedules never seemed to match, when she got home from work, she had to sleep, and when she left for work, her papa was already getting ready for bed. and then there was that last argument they had. she still carries the guilt of not speaking to him for days because she held onto her pride and grudge.

love, be it tragic or whatever, helps people mature

i don’t cry when others cry, and i don’t laugh just because everyone else does. people often see me as a loner or antisocial, especially at work, and even my supervisors question my personality. but i do feel emotions, just differently. i can cry over deeply emotional scenes, not shallow ones like romance, but moments with real weight, like in along with the gods when the youngest son says goodbye to his mute mother.

in my own life, though, it’s harder. when my dad died, and when we lost our first dog, i didn’t cry like everyone else. instead, i distracted myself without really understanding why. then weeks or months later, it hits me, this heavy sense that something is missing. it feels like my reasons for living quietly lessen, not in a way that makes me want to give up, but in a way can’t fully explain.

even with scenes from one piece , i can feel emotional. but in real life, it’s different, and it started affecting my work.

at my last job, getting along with colleagues was part of the evaluation. at first i thought my supervisor was exaggerating, until i saw it officially written and graded. in my head i was like dafuq? should've said that.

there was one time i was already dealing with personal issues and feeling heartbroken. while i was on a call, the customer had every right to be furious and asked for a supcall. i informed my tl, explained the situation, and she told me to try escalating it while she listened to my call and somehow guided me on what to say. while talking, i realized i made a mistake during verif, so the customer had to call again. she got really angry, not yelling, but her words cut deep. i've been yelled at and cursed before, on my everyday life at that hellish place but this felt different. it was like she was questioning my worth, whether i even deserved my job, like i was just some lowly person earning a few dollars an hour.

i think my tl heard me start to cry and told me to transfer the call. and i hated her for that. she knew i was crying but didn’t give me even a few minutes to have a break and go to the restroom to calm myself, didn’t ask either. didnt expect anything from her at all. think i was crying for hours while taking calls. cant stop the tears and didnt even care about anything anymore. after that, i felt angry at everything for days.

that’s why i wish i could cry in the moment. i don’t want to suppress my emotions and then suddenly explode when something triggers them. i'm worried they'll turn into resentment as they always do. i'm afraid of what i might say or do if it ever gets that bad.

to be powerful as he was

to stand above kings and be feared as he was

to have loyal family no matter what

doflamingo the man you are

just like him, no mercy

let it all devour and burn

02may2026

girl has seen what must be shown

whisper lingers, guess she found her resolved

-ellehs

01may2026

feeling lonely means you have someone you care about

©

her mother caused so many painful and depressing moments in her life, and yet now her mother benefits from things she’s worked hard for. even when they ask her mother for favors, she expects to be paid.

her mom was gone for about half a year, then came back pregnant. she would bring this man into their rental house like it was nothing, since they had nowhere to go. he was unemployed, as always. her father just let it slide since he considered them too young to handle things on their own. now she understands why her father had so much anger back then; she just didn’t see it clearly before.

her brother got sick. he was neglected at that time. if her mother hadn’t been so eager to go to her man, he would still be alive. her mother even blamed her, saying it was her fault that he died because she didn’t take care of him. after her younger brother died, her parents agreed to put them in her mother’s care, not completely, though, since their father still supported them financially and visited once or twice a week.

she grew up dealing with her mother’s partner’s violence. he beat them, and there was a time he tried to rape her. when her mom found out, instead of protecting her, her mom called her a whore and beat her too. the only reason it didn’t get worse was because her cousin stepped in and stopped it.

when her father died last year, her mother didn’t help at all, not financially and not even with fixing the papers. they handled everything themselves. that’s also when she realized that when her younger brother died back when she was in fifth grade, her mother didn’t do anything then either.

all of this fills her with anger, frustration, and a mix of every negative feeling. for a long time, she thought none of it affected her. She convinced herself it was normal to feel this kind of hatred toward people who cheat, or even toward people who remind her of him.

she is 30 now, and she doesn’t plan on having a family. when people ask, she usually responds with, “the economy’s not ideal.” but deep down, she knows that’s not the real reason.

the truth is, everything that happened stayed with her more than she ever wanted to admit.