Satan's Slightly More Public Kinda Secret But Not

Jason: do you think like- because he doesn't like him,

Damian: to be fair he didn't like father either, that's not what it was about.

Jason: yeah but like- he respected B at least a little bit. he thinks Tim's a bitch.

Damian: Tim is a bitch,

Dick: wait sorry i've been muted for this mission- what are we talking about?

Damian: grandfather has started referring to Drake as 'the detective' which was the title he previously called father by. we're trying to psychologically analyse it.

Dick: ...wait so does he not like B anymore? what does he want with Tim?

Jason: that's what we're trying to figure out! do we know exactly when the name-switch took place?

Damian: one evening he was referring to him as Drake, the next morning it was 'the detective' it was literally overnight.

Dick: so what happened that night?

Jason: nothing!

Damian: is it possible that he's finally succumbing to his age and his mind has deteriorated to the point that he thinks Tim is father?

Jason: he did accidentially call me the name of one of the camels last week.

Dick: ...how often do you talk to Ra's Al Ghul?

Jason: it's basically charity work, he's old and frail Dickie

Dick: ...not touching that.

Damian: we could ask mother?

Jason: Talia also hates Tim, so i don't know how she'll feel about-

*ping*

Tim: hey.

Dick: -Timmy! how you doing, buddy?

Tim: *instantly sounding suspicious* ...ok what.

Damian: brothers can't be nice anymore, what has this world come to.

Tim: you dickheads? no, you can't. what are you fishing for here.

Jason: what'd ya' do ta' Ra's?

*a beat*

Tim: Ra's...? haven't done shit to Ra's, i haven't even seen him since Bruce was missing in the timeline.

Dick: why does he call you the detective then? that used to be B's nickname.

Damian: he only gives nicknames to people he thinks are worthy of distinguishing from other randoms. that's why he never bothers remembering a nickname for Grayson.

Dick: oi-

Tim, suddenly: OOOOOOOH. -wait. that's what made me worthy? he thinks i'm distinguishable because of this rather than when i almost killed his entire army?

Jason: what did you do?

Tim: ok so i didn't- i haven't seen him. but i do occasionally play against him in Words With Friends. and i absolutely destroyed him in a match like, last week. he didn't even last an hour.

*12 long seconds of silence*

Damian: *starts laughing quietly*

Dick: you surpassed B in Ra's head through fucking Words With Friends-?

Jason: -i can't believe i thought you'd done something cool for once.

Tim: w- fuck you, Hood! i beat the Demon's Head in a mind game! i was fucking smug!

Damian, laughter tapering: you beat an old, senile, frail foreigner who learnt english as an 8th language, in a literacy based online game. Drake.

Tim: ok fuck you guys you aren't happy with anything i do this is so fucked-

Dick: Words With Friends-

Tim: FUCK YOU. I'M DISTINGUISHABLE.

Damian: you're a coward and i can't believe you, Timothy.

Tim: i already said i'm sorry, Dames, it was an emergency Titans mission! i had to go.

Damian: oh so you can show up on the com lines for patrol but not for the Wayne Halloween gala?

Tim: i'm literally in Italy right now, i'm radioing in from my hotel room.

Damian: i cannot believe you missed Halloween.

Tim: it can't have been that bad.

Damian: father is giving us all the silent treatment.

Tim: sorry???

Damian: he hasn't spoken to me, Dick, or Jason, in four days.

Tim: *snort* what? what the fuck did you guys do?

Damian: Dick showed up to the gala dressed as 'the mugger who killed Bruce Wayne's parents'.

Tim: *gasp* *shocked laugh* sorry?!

Damian: every time they ran into each other during the banquet he would say 'ah, the one that got away!'. between that and Jason, father's sanity snapped quite early on in the evening.

Tim: wait- what did Jason do?

Damian: he put on fake grills and followed father around all night saying 'my main goal is to blow up and act like i don't know nobody'.

Tim: *abrupt cackle* THAT'S THE BEST COSTUME EVER.

Damian: yes, he was very proud. it was also the only thing that managed to get Dick to break character all night. so father won't speak to either of them.

Tim: wait, what about you? you said all three of you, why's he mad at you?

Damian: oh- i laughed so hard i popped a blood vessel in my eye and he said i wasn't being very 'supportive' in front of the press.

Tim: man i wish i'd been there...

Damian: Duke took videos, he'll probably sell them to you. he got a snapchat video of father sneaking a cigarette in the bathroom to calm down and getting caught by Alfred.

Tim: NO.

Damian, wheezing: Red,

Tim: NO- FUCK YOU DAMIAN, FUCK THE FUCKING- MOTHER FUCKING FUCKER-

Bruce: *hissing furiously* Red Robin, we are in mask! stop being ridiculous or i will swing over and separate the two of you!

Tim: oh shut the fuck up Bruce,

Damian, slightly muffled: oh my god-,

Tim: no because you're doing this on purpose and you fucking know it- there is no goddamn way-

*ping*

Jason: guys i just found ten dollars on the ground.

Tim: -fucking hate this family and i'm leaving Gotham to hang myself from a glacier in fucking antarctica.

Jason: -oh we playing league days again?

Damian: yeah.

Bruce: i told you all to stop playing it on patrol, why do none of you ever listen to me?

Jason: because the last time i listened to you the Joker ended up continuing to live.

Bruce: ... *sigh*

Jason: what was it this time?

Damian: 'i know how to do a quadruple somersault flip, i just won't tell Dick because it will hurt his self esteem'

Jason: HA.

Tim: when have you EVER given a fuck about ANYBODY'S self esteem?!

Damian: we've been through this, i have anxiety and cover it up by acting like an asshole.

Jason: *hums* learnt that from me.

Bruce: Red Hood and Red Robin please be on standby, i could do with some backup by the docks if my current mission gets out of hand.

Tim: ok so where did you learn?

Damian: there was a trampoline at the league.

Jason: *desperate attempts at muffling snickers*

Tim: oh fuck off you did not learn on a fucking trampoline.

Damian: no i- *wheeze* i mean i started there, but i eventually graduated on to other means.

Tim: like?

Damian: ...bigger trampolines.

Jason: *loud abrupt cackles*

Tim: ...go fuck yourself. false. nay. i don't care anymore. shut up. get out.

Damian: if that your official answer?

*long stretch of silence*

Tim: ...fuck what if it's true though.

Bruce: i need backup. Hood, Red?

Jason, gleeful: yeah yeah, hold on. Tim, changing your mind?

Tim: ...how big were these trampolines?

Jason: *cackles*

Damian: no more questions, it's been 15 minutes. yay or nay.

Tim: THAT'S SO FUCKED?

Bruce, slightly strained: kids, there are hostages here.

Tim: shit.

Damian: if you get it wrong that's three in a row.

Tim: oh how fucking helpful thanks for the reminder.

Bruce: BOYS? *gunshots*

Jason: B, calm down, i'm literally above you. you're fine.

Bruce: where are- Hood *grunt* if you're up there why aren't you helping-

Jason: shut up i'm listening- Tim, yay or nay?

Tim: FUCK ok just rip the band aid off. nay, you would have bragged about it before.

*ping*

Dick: hey, B, that you over there? you look like you're struggling.

Damian: good evening, Grayson.

Jason: it's fine, i'm watching him.

Bruce: I ASKED FOR BACK UP.

Jason: you got a couple more punches left in ya B, it's fine.

Dick: *snorts*

Tim: EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP. DAMIAN. DID I WIN?

Damian: of course you didn't, that was a yay. you know it's genuinely impressive how shit at this game you are.

Tim: you little-

*disconnecting ping*

Jason: ...did he just kick himself from the call?

Dick: maybe somebody do a welfare check on him? i'll text Steph.

Bruce: I AM OFFICIALLY REQUESTING BACK UP.

Jason: yeah yeah, say please first old man- y'no i fuckin' miss those trampolines Dames, we basically had a fuckin bungee park over there.

Damian: it was a good way to spend an afternoon. are you and Grayson by the docks? i am on my way.

Jason: yeah we're watchin' him. Wing, what kinda food you wanna get?

Dick: oooh, there's this new greek place i wouldn't mind trying if you're down to- *abrupt grave tone* ok he's unconscious.

Jason: what- aw shit. *boots against concrete, rushing wind* i look away for five fucking seconds-

Dick: oh hey, there's ten dollars on this rooftop!

Dick: i was- see that's the thing, i was an absolute asshole to you,

Jason: oh you were.

Tim: and that's what i don't understand! like, Wing you fucking ooze big brotherlyness.

Dick: -aw,

Jason: ew?

Tim: -the fuck did you end up like this when every story Hood tells us about your relationship before ethiopia is absolutely fucking insane.

Dick: *laughs* you know i was worse, too- because i had absolutely no place holding the amount of beef with you as i did,

Jason: the Shit You Used To Say-

Dick: *claps in delight* the shit i used to say! dude- Hood, i was fucking out of pocket,

Jason: i was twelve.

Dick: you were- *abrupt wheeze, breathy giggles* you were twelve!

Tim: he can't have been that bad, i mean it's still Wing we're talking about. he's won the Gotham vigilante awards for biggest cinnamon role five years running.

Dick: *laughing* no- to be fair, i was HORRIBLE back when Hood was a kid. the only reason i learned my lesson is because he took the phrase 'traumatise them back' as a challenge.

Jason: *wheeze* yeah, we talk- we talk a LOT about the shit you used to pull, but we don't talk enough about how much i made you regret that shit real quick,

Damian: what on earth could you have possibly done?

Dick: i remember-

Jason: *gasping wheeze*

Dick, amused: shut up! i remember i had to take him out for coffee once and as we were walking down the street there was this old fat guy who kinda stopped in front of us and Hood froze, and the guy kept going and i looked at Hood and i went-, i- *laughter* i said, 'what, was that one of the guys you used to suck off for money back on the streets?'

Tim: *gasp* NO

Jason: *wheeze* wait-

Dick: *cackle of laughter* no wait- you don't-

Jason: *high-pitched weeps*

Dick: -so Hood looks at me and just goes *abrupt serious voice* 'yeah.' *even louder wheeze*

Jason: i'm crying-

Tim: OH MY GOD??

Damian, mystified: you said that to a child?

Dick: I FUCKING- I SWEAR TO GOD HE GOES 'yeah' MY HEART DROPS,

Jason:, weakly: yeah,

Dick: I WAS LIKE 'oh my fucking god he actually was a child prosititute. the first Robin just made fun of a rape victim i have to die immediately.'

Jason: *still laughing*

Damian, confused: but Hood- i remember you telling me about the time you lived on the streets. you would have told me if you'd ever had to sell yourself.

Tim: why would he tell you?

Damian, insant: because unlike you, Red, my brothers actually like me- anyway, Hood, you weren't a prostitute.

Jason: *coughing* i know i just- i said it on instinct to freak him out. fuckin' worked, too, you should have seen the size of the ice cream he bought me as an apology.

Dick: *delirious giggling* yeah man, i- fuck, you think i'm a good brother now? that shit only developed because Hood spent his early teenage years doing the brotherhood equivalent of psychologically squirting a misbehaving puppy with a squirt-gun.

Tim: why were you- why- why were you like that?!

Jason: dude- he wen't from the circus to new-parent Batman, at what point did you think anybody taught him how to act???

Tim, holding back laughter: i- ok point.

Damian: i would have thought Alfred would do something.

Jason: last week Alfred shot a squirrel through the kitchen window.

Dick: *bursts out laughing*

Damian: HE SHOT A SQUIRREL?

Tim: *starting to laugh* aw fuck- you sent Robin after him Hood, we're all fucked,

Damian: WHY WOULD HE SHOOT A SQUIRREL?!

Dick, choking: squirrel told him he couldn't have guns in the house.

Jason: *painful wheeze*

Tim: *gasping laughter* s-squirrel told him that guns killed his parents,

Dick: *high pitched* -oh my god im in pain-

Jason: he told squirrel that a man killed his parents, not a gun, but squirrel wasn't having it.

Damian: you're all monsters.

Damian: -acts like he's so tough, it's so annoying. *distant smacks and thuds*

Jason: hey don't hate on me for being more fearsome than you, it's not my fault you're a dwarf.

Dick, panting slightly: *grunt* why are you antagonising him right now, Hood?

Jason, mouth slightly full: -ecause' it 'akes 'im fite bettuh

*the shwing of a sword*

Damian: so we have to fight and he gets to get fat on tacos two streets away?

Jason: you're a street away from my territory, kiddo. this is not my responsibility.

Dick: you are an ass. *a hiss* *punching*

Damian: you're pathetic and i'm way more dangerous than you. your first kill was when you were brought to the league, while mine was when i was three. get on my level.

Dick: wasn't Hood's first kill when he was like, thirteen or fourteen?

Jason, instantly: hey- hey hey hey- oi! a- *slight laugh* alleged kill, thank you.

Dick: *snorts* right, alleged.

Tim, deadpan: sorry, what now.

Jason: you were literally my little stalker when i was Robin, how can you not know about this?

Tim: i- i wasn't out CONSTANTLY?

Damian: you killed somebody as- how did you kill somebody as Robin?!

Jason: A L L E G E D.

Dick: we find this story way too funny, really.

Jason: it's not- *slight wheeze* it's not like the situation was funny, it was just- B...

Dick: oh my god, B,

Tim: what happened?

Damian: wait. wait. was this the incident you told me about that led to your death?

Tim: SORRY?

Jason: yeah this was like. the roots of what led to Ethiopia.

Dick: this was the main incident of what got Bruce to fire him.

Jason: he didn't fire me, he benched me.

Dick: so did you actually kill the guy?

Jason, indignant: NO I DIDN'T KILL HIM!

*a beat of silence*

Jason, audibly holding back snickers: i mean i thought about it,

Dick: *starts laughing*

Tim: what actually happened?

Jason, dismissive: oh, it was nothing. there was this asshole who kept sexually assaulting this girl and i wanted to put him away but the system was so corrupt that he got away with it, and then the girl killed herself and i got real pissed off at the injustice of it all so i ran ahead of B and found him on a balcony, and the idiot fell off the balcony right as B found us, and obviously he was like 'you killed him didn't you', and it spiralled into the whole 'you're too violent i'm benching you' thing, which is what led me to running away to Ethiopia and getting murdered. ta-da.

Dick, sounding impressed: you know that's oddly concise.

Tim: i don't- i don't remember this, what was the case name?

Jason: uh, the case of- fuck. wait. Dick what was the guy's name?

Dick: balcony guy? ....shit, i dunno.

Jason: how could i fucking forget- i swear to god i knew it, it was fucking. uhhhhh...

Damian: how could you forget your first kill?

Jason: I DIDN'T FUCKIN' KILL HIM! it was something like- Phil. or Philip something. Philip... Philip Garbanzo. nofuckwait-

Dick: *wheeze* Philip Garbanzo???

Tim, also laughing: Philip Garbanzo. Fredrick Totino.

Jason: yeah i shoved Freddy Pizzarolls off a balcony.

Dick: *another wheeze*

Damian: Felipe Garzonas, jackasses.

Jason: THAT WAS IT. THAT was his name, fuck i forgot!

Tim: so you didn't do anything... and Bruce just like... decided you were a murderer?

Jason: yeah, he- ok so admittedly i didn't take it very seriously at the time.

Dick: yeah from what I remember- *wheeze* i don't think any of us took it very seriously.

Jason: well- look in my defence i got to watch a rapist trip and fall off a balcony, of course i found it funny. and then B showed up and he was being all grave and shit like 'did you kill him?' and i was just like. crying with laughter on the floor.

Dick, slightly teary: yeah you know- you fucking know that after that mission when i visited you guys in Gotham and he told me about the case i started laughing too and he told me he thought i was a bad influence on you?

Jason: you're joking.

Dick: yeah he was like- he was like 'maybe if you were a better role model for the boy he wouldn't be turning out like this' and i outright laughed in his face.

Jason: ROLE MODEL? YOU DIDN'T ROLE MODEL SHIT-

Dick: THAT'S WHAT I FUCKIN' SAID- WE BARELY TOLERATED EACH OTHER!

Tim: so wait. does B still think you killed pizza roll guy?

Jason: oh i stopped trying to convince him i didn't a long time ago. i'm like OJ little red, it's hysterical.

Tim: Jesus Christ.

Jason: every year on the death anniversary i send B a photo of me posing in front of his grave.

Damian: it's true, last week i, Batman, and Hood had a meeting on an abandoned balcony and when Batman perched on the edge, Hood waggled his finger and said 'ooooh, don't tempt me with nostalgia old man!' and-

Dick: *abrupt cackle*

Damian: -father got so mad he had to leave the roof to calm down for a minute.

Tim: i don't know why it would piss him off so much, like, you kill people all the time.

Jason: yeah but you never forget your first...

Tim: i thought you said you didn't do it.

Jason: mind your own business.

Damian: you couldn't even remember his name.

Jason: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

*a few beats of silence*

Dick: *silently weeping*

Dick, breathy from laughter: Philip Garbanzo...

Dick: *muffled snickers* there's no- Jason. there's no way.

Jason: *shuffles, the scrape of boots against stone* no hold on i can- i swear to god.

Dick, incredibly amused: *giggling* you cannot do this to me,

Tim: the hell are you two doing over there?

Dick: Jason's trying on the Nightwing suit-, yOU'RE GONNA TEAR THE ELBOW STOP WAIT-

Jason: ok if the fabric tears because of this then you really shouldn't be wearing it in knife fights. *strained* i got it... i just need to-

Tim: why the fuck are you- aren't you guys in public!?

Dick, absently, still amused: nah, enclosed rooftop hidden by an AC vent.

Tim: ....wait what the fuck are YOU wearing while he tries it on?

Dick: nothing and it's about to rain so hurry the fuck up Jason, i'm cold.

Tim: oh my god send me your location i'm on my way-

Jason: how the fuck do you not feel completely on show with this skin-tight shit- look how big my calves look in this thing!

Tim: i'm like one minute away from you guys hold on. Dick why don't you try on the Red Hood outfit?

Dick: when Jason took it off to try on my suit he accidentially dropped it off the edge of the roof and we can't be bothered to go get it.

Tim: ok i'm here- holy fucking shit. Jason how are you wearing that.

Jason, very strained: i like. cannot breath very well. look at my ass in this though it's like, almost bursting through the fabric- Tim do not fucking poke my ass i swear to god-

Tim, in awe: the tensile strength is struggling, dude. do you think it would break if you tried to do a flip or fighting move?

Dick: if we stick around long enough for somebody to need our help we'll find out. i'm honestly a little offended-

*two pings*

Dick: -like, am i petite? i thought i was well formed but now i feel small.

Bruce: Robin and i are en-route to your three's location, we need a group rendezvous. we have discovered information pertaining to last night's case.

Dick, casually: B, is Jason's ass bigger than mine?

Bruce, stumbling slightly: what?

Jason: oh my ass is definitely bigger than yours, it fills this suit out so much more than you do.

Dick, whining: but everybody in Gotham says Nightwing has the best ass of the bats!

Tim, absently: best doesn't always mean bigger,

Jason: yeah you would say that- stop POKING it- THIS IS SEXUAL ASSAULT YOU ASSHOLE.

Bruce: what on earth are you boys doing? we're almost at your location.

Tim: try striking a sexy pose. yeah- exactly like that. god i wish i had my camera right now, this could be sold for so much money,

Dick, distraught: you can't be sexier than me! Jason- Jason fucking stop it. cover your face up again- Tim go get his helmet-

Tim: we could make this a horny calendar.

Damian: father may i leave the call? i don't like these people.

Bruce, sighing: whatever you're all doing needs to stop now anyway, we're almost at your- what the fuck.

Dick: oh. hey. how has your guys' night been?

Damian: i've changed my mind, this is great. Todd you look like your head is about to explode.

Jason: i actually think my blood circulation stopped like three minutes ago. Tim if you poke my ass ONE MORE TIME-

Bruce, aghast: what on earth would posses you to- in public-?! Nightwing, put your clothes back on, and Red Hood- where are your clothes?

Dick: think of it as temperature training. do you know how cold my nipples are right now?

Jason: my ass is definitely bigger than yours, Dick.

Dick: bECAUSE OF THE FUCKING LAZARUS PIT- YOU BASICALLY GOT ASS ENLARGEMENT SURGERY FROM RA'S.

Damian: you sound jealous, Richard.

Dick: WHY WOULD I- take off my fucking suit Jason you're gonna break it.

Bruce, still horrified: what if a civillian saw you!??! your identities could be-

Tim: who cares about identities? they're gonna think they caught Red Hood and Nightwing in a sex romp. people will think Jay and Dick are fucking, that's what needs to be focused on here.

Jason: like Dickie bird could land somebody with this kind of ass,

Dick: -FUCK YOU-!

Bruce, gritted: put. on. some. clothes.

Jason: jesus. fine, prude. Day, go get my suit so i can take this thing off- TIM I CAN FUCKING SEE YOU BEHIND ME DO NOT.

Tim: *evil cackle*

Damian: we should go to Jason's apartment after we clean up here

Tim: but I'm hungry, I thought we were gonna get food?

Damian: yes, that's why we should go to Akhi. he can make us food.

Tim: Jason always refuses to cook for us, he'll just kick us out.

Damian: he cooks for me all the time? has since I was little.

*a beat of silence*

Tim: are you fucking kidding me?! why do you get fed!?

Damian: well he didn't always, but then he found out how bad the food situation was at the league and he just sort of... decided to remedy it.

Tim: ...the league is richer than B. the fuck do you mean 'how bad the food situation was' i know for a fact Ra's has his own court of private chefs.

Damian, talking as if he's stupid: yes, but i was supposed to spend my entire childhood training to be the perfect warrior and weapon. it wasn't too bad, my grandfather was nice to me and all, but he did make sure that i grew up in tough conditions so as to not coddle me. part of that was ensuring i kept a strict rationed diet of bland foods to prepare me for having to undergo starvation during potential future missions.

*a pause*

Tim, mocking: 'hE wAs nIcE tO Me-' sometimes i forget how weird your relationship with that side of your family is.

Damian, ignoring him: in any case, it wasn't until Jason came along that he convinced my grandfather to let me have my own bedroom and cooked food and stuff.

Tim: how could Hood possibly convince Ra's to do anything?

Damian: ...Akhi could be very persuasive. he came back alive the one time he died, and then he also gained abilities from the lazarus pit, so it was pretty easy for him to bluff that he was immortal. immortal people being dedicated towards making your life miserable is a threat that not even my grandfather could brush off.

Tim: ...wait, is he immortal-?

Damian: -and then once he heard about the egg story he decided to just start cooking for me himself to ensure i had 'good sustenance experiences' as he put it.

*a few beats pass*

Tim, resigned: alright. fucking fine. tell me the egg story.

Damian, slightly confused: ...well it wasn't much of a story? i had to climb a mountain as an endurance test and my handler at the time told me if i did it without using all of my water rations that i could have a 'home cooked meal' as a treat. so, i did.

Tim, wary: right...?

Damian: so that night in the checkpoint hut he told me i could have fresh 'boiled egg and soldiers' which- at the time i thought i was about to be forced into cannibalism, but it turns out that my handler was british and 'soldiers' is a childish british term for when you dunk chunks of toast into egg yolk.

Tim: how is that a home cooked meal.

Damian: back off, up until that point i only ever ate nutrition blocks. i was excited.

Damian: anyway, it went badly because my handler as it turned out didn't actually know how to boil an egg.

Tim: *quiet laugh of disbelief*

Damian: yeah, well, he tried to google it but we were at the top of a mountain in the middle of a sandstorm, so there wasn't any signal. so, to try and salvage it, he decided to just microwave the egg and wing it.

Tim: oh that's not- *snort* that can't have gone well.

Damian, dryly: no shit.

Tim: the egg explode?

Damian: on him and not me, thankfully.

Tim: jesus-

Damian: a piece of the shell punctured his eye and he died of an infection when we were on our way down the mountain. i had to drag his body with me so i could prove to mother that i hadn't been the one to kill him.

Tim: *a pause* JESUS?!

Damian: stupidest part was that mother was still suspicious of me. anyway, after that, Jason just started cooking for me himself.

*a few seconds of silence*

Tim: wanna go ask him to make us egg and soldiers?

Damian: yeah honestly i'm craving it now-

Dick: Red, you seeing the similarities here?

Tim: yeah... the method matches the method of that serial killer Hood's working on over in the alley, right?

Dick: *hums* if he's starting to move territories over here then we might have to call Hood in and do a crossover case. you know where he's at tonight?

Tim: B is busy with league stuff so he's got Robin for the night, I think they were working on something down in Tricorner.

Dick: hey Oracle, woulda' mind finding the com line they're on and transferring them over for a sec? we need to talk to Hood about this.

Oracle: got it.

*faint typing sounds*

*two pings*

Damian: -no he has absolutely no idea how female anatomy works, and I know this for a fact because when she told us she was pregnant, his response was to turn to me and say 'how is that possible, I thought she was wearing a tampon', which-

Jason: *bursts out laughing* no because- *wheeze* I do remember, I remember so fuckin' clearly, that there was a genuine occasion during my training with that guy at the league where we were focusing on poisons, and Talia came up to us and asked us to take a break so we could sort out the donkeys for a trip the next day, and I swear to god, this fucker walks up to these animals looking genuinely freaked out, and I'm just saddling up these donkeys like normal, like- you remember, it's not like it was fuckin' hard,

Damian, humming: *muses* I loved those donkeys.

Jason: I know you did, you almost had one shipped over to Gotham with us-, anyway, and I'm looking at him like 'you alright there little buddy?' and this fucker looks me straight in the eyes, this league assassin expert and high quality tutor, and he goes 'what if it tries to eat me?' AND I'M LIKE-

Damian: *starts laughing*

Jason: THEY'RE FUCKING HERBIVORES YOU GODDAMN MORON, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'WHAT IF IT EATS ME?'

Damian: that was- see? and you wonder why the league education system failed me so much, it's because all my tutors were people who also grew up in the league and only ever bothered learning about the one thing my grandfather said they had a knack for. I had an archery instructor who no word of a fucking lie didn't understand what photosynthesis was.

Jason: the fact that I was the best option you had at the time for a well rounded education experience just proves how fucked it all was. like I'd only just recently found out you couldn't microwave metal. what the fuck was I supposed to do?

Damian: my current theory is that mother walked in on us using your phone to google whether narwhals were real or mythical and she just decided 'yeah these two need to go to Gotham pronto'.

Jason: *laughing*

Damian: oh- isn't that the guy we're looking for?

Jason: oh shit yeah- ok you go round and we'll do a pincer movement.

Damian: on it.

*two minutes of silence*

*faint grunts and fighting noises*

Jason: behind you, duck.

Damian, breathless: appreciated.

Jason: no worries.

*more faint fighting noises*

Dick, loudly: see,

Jason: *yelps*

Damian: NIGHTWIN-? *gunshot* FUCK

Dick: -I feel like the natural point for us to jump in and tell you we were here passed like, a long time ago.

Jason: you fuckin' asshole you scared the shit out of me!

Dick: -but I think we just got invested in the conversation and then it got long enough that it would have been awkward if we interrupted, right Red?

Tim: I forgot what we were supposed to be asking like five minutes ago, not gonna lie.

Dick: Jason you didn't know not to microwave metal?

Damian: -i just do not see the point in dressing up. Halloween is already so stressful in Gotham, why add a shitty costume?

Jason: are you kidding Day? costumes are the best part, you get to fuck with people so badly.

Dick: yeahhhhhh~ oh my god, Hood, do you remember that year when you were still Robin and we bowled over B?

Jason: holy shit i do-!

Damian: which occasion are you referring to? oh and Nightwing, hand me that birdarang...?

Dick: yeah here- so, back when Hood was still on his original life-

Jason: -incredible way of putting it, where are you guys by the way? i've wrapped up my case over here.

Dick: docks. anyway the year before he died there was this fancy Wayne Halloween party at the manor, and everybody who attended had to wear a costume, and it was also the first year that i was like, being nice to Jason,

Jason: he was only just starting to warm up to me,

Dick: yeah, so i said it would be funny to go as a joint costume,

Jason: -and i said we should both go as dogs,

Dick: -which sounded fucking stupid,

Jason: -OK BUT HOW FUNNY DID IT TURN OUT-?

Dick: I KNOW, I KNOW OK-

Damian: ok either one of you is telling the story or none of you are telling the story, take your pick.

*silence*

Dick: alright i'll tell it. so i thought the idea was ridiculous at first, because just dressing up as two dogs? stupid. but then he told me the whole plan and i got on board. what we ended up doing was convincing B to join in on the costume as some shitty attempt at family bonding,

Damian: you got father to dress up as a dog...?

Jason: *quiet laughter*

Dick, amused: ooooh no, no no, he didn't even really have to do anything, he was dressed up as our owner. what we had him do was hold the leashes that we were on as his 'pet doggies'.

Damian: ...Nightwing are you sure that Hood wasn't trying to fuck with you rather than father? it sounds like he just convinced you to put on a leash.

Jason: *still laughing*

Dick: nah nah nah kid, you don't understand, what we did was put on those child harness things? that parents get for rowdy toddlers? and we made him hold onto us the whole fucking night.

Jason: *laughter getting steadily louder* *through a wheeze* stop- stop stalling and get to the best part-!

Damian: ...what best part?

Dick: the uh- *snort* the reason that Jason got him to hold onto these harnesses all night was so that he'd let his guard down and forget that he was holding onto leads connecting to all my and Jason's body weight, and what ended up happening is we waited until he was like, slightly tipsy, in the middle of a conversation with about six different women he was flirting with,

Jason: *wheezing* AND- *cough* AND WE WERE JUST STOOD A COUPLE FEET AWAY AND HE ASSUMED WE WERE JUST HANGING OUT-

Dick: *wheeze* but we were fucking lying in wait, and he just- he had no idea, and Jason gave me the signal and we both just- *rattling cackle*

Damian: ...do you need an inhaler or something..?

Jason: we- holy fuck i need to stop swinging before i drop my grapple hold on- *cackle* i gave Dick the signal and we both jumped up and let ourselves- *wheeze*

Dick: *distant sound of a palm slapping against concrete*

Damian: y- you both just dropped to the ground?!

Dick: *through breathless wheezing* and the- and the leashes went taught and he just fucking got BUNGEE CORDED TO THE TILED FLOOR-

Jason: in front of all these women that wanted to fuck him, too, and his glass smashed everywhere and he chipped a tooth and it was fucking GLORIOUS-

Dick, still laughing: it was so funny- the thing was, was that he was definitely strong enough normally to hold both our weights, but we caught him so off guard he just fucking collapsed-,

Dick and Jason: *silent gasps of laughter*

*ping*

Tim: hey, guys, i'm all done over here so i'm heading over to you guys. anything interesting up tonight?

Jason, through high pitched giggles: just- *delirious* just talking about the Halloween party we have to attend next week,

Tim: ooooh~ yeah I'm still trying to figure out what to go as; Alfred said i can't go as Red Robin which is bullshit.

Damian, innocently: would you like to dress up together, Drake?

Tim: *slightly confused* oh-? i thought you didn't like costumes?

Damian: i have come up with one i would not mind trying out. what do you say? we could dress up as a group, me you and Jon.

Dick: *weeping*

Tim: sure, i guess i could- *voice dropping three octaves* why is Nightwing laughing.

Dick: ok do another one, do another one.

Damian: *grunt* *the sound of fists hitting faces* i just did one- *yelp* aren't you guys taking down a cartel tonight?!

Tim: yeah but we're just waiting around for things to kick off right now, come on, give us another one.

Damian: god- fine, hold on. *the metal shlink of a katana being unsheathed*

Jason: *snorts*

Tim: he's so nice to us...

*distant screams*

Dick: you are so, so lucky that B's on bed rest tonight Robin. so lucky.

Damian, strained: yeah, well, tonight i'm not Batman's Robin, i'm Red Hood's, and Red Hood's Robin gets shit done faster.

Jason: atta-fuckin'-boy. i found the files in the back room by the way, just let me know if you need help.

*a scream* *a metal shlink*

Jason: although you sound to be doing fine.

Damian: *sigh* alright done. ok... it's loading a card.

Tim: i swear to god, i'm going to fucking ace this one.

Dick: yeah, well you said that last round.

Tim: I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

Jason: *snickers*

Damian: alright. ready?

Dick: bring it on, kiddo.

Damian: 'apart from my father, there is one other member of the bat-community that i am biologically related to. that person... is Duke Thomas.'

Jason: oh this is gonna be awesome

Dick: *sputters* S O R R Y?

Damian: *sigh* well i suppose that's one way for it to come out.

Tim: there is NO GODDAMN WAY- HE'S BLACK.

Damian: and you think i'm white? don't be racist, Red Robin.

Tim: I JUST MEAN- there is no goddamn way. absolutely not. this is a nay, it's a lie. we'd know.

Damian: fine. is that your final answer?

*silence*

Tim: ...for the sake of the game. explain.

Dick: *laughs* *deliriously* this is ridiculous...

Damian: ...so... as you all know... Duke's mother is Elaine Thomas and his step-father is Doug Thomas, while his biological father was the criminal known as Gnomon.

Tim, begrudging: mhm.

Damian: but what was kept hidden from you is that shortly before Duke was born, Gnomon was an associate of the league of assassins, and was a close associate of my grandfather.

Tim: ok there is no goddamn way- why would Ra's care about Gnomon?!

Damian: how small-minded are you, Drake? Gnomon is an immortal entity, hundreds, perhaps thousands of years old. are you stupid enough to believe that my immortality obsessed grandfather couldn't have met Gnomon at some point in his life and decided to keep in contact so he could combine their knowledge for his own gain at some point in the future?

Dick: ...alright shit he has a point.

Tim: NO HE FUCKING DOESN'T? HOW DOES GNOMON BEING FRIENDS WITH RA'S EXPLAIN HIM AND DUKE BEING RELATED?

Damian: well-, oh, shit. There are more men approaching the warehouse, Hood.

Jason, gleeful: nah nah, you stay inside and keep answering questions, i got this.

*gunshots* *distant yells and screams of pain*

Damian: eight o'clock, sniper.

Jason: got it, now focus on the game.

Dick: beautiful priorities. Robin, carry on.

Damian: *sigh* fine, what is the next question?

Dick: how does Ra's and Gnomon's friendship explain your relation to Signal?

Damian: ah. well, you are aware that i was originally created to be a potential new vessel for my grandfather?

Jason: *grunt* *snorts* yeah, until you started info-dumping about parrot species and he decided he wasn't gonna touch that brain with a ten foot pole.

Damian: shut up, i thought you weren't allowed to partake in the game? ANYWAY, you all know that i was originally just a vessel, and thus i was modified in the loa labs to enhance my abilities,

Tim: UHM-?

Dick: woah woah woah woah- NO? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE A LAB CHILD?

Damian: ....oh you didn't? that's not even a part of the game, i thought you knew that.

Tim and Dick, simultaneously: WHAT?!!??!

Jason: ??? yeah, guys, he got pit-dipped at one point and everything. i used to sit with him on the operating table after experiments and read him books. Ra's used me for some of those experiments too so it was kinda like sharing a room.

Dick: DOES BRUCE KNOW-

Damian: well i fucking thought he did but if you're all gonna be dramatic about it then i don't want to check...

Dick: DRAMATIC? DAMIAN, WE NEED TO-

Tim: Dick shut the fuck up a minute,

Dick: eh?!?

Tim: no- just, you know, it is a big deal and i'm happy to freak out about our little brother being experimented on later tonight, but for now... kinda trying to lock in on this fucking game.

Jason: *wheeze*

Tim: so you were experimented on, go on.

Damian: .........well... part of that experiment included mixing my DNA with that what grandfather believed might make me immortal, and he had asked Gnomon to kindly donate some DNA samples some decades back. so they were incorporated into my genetic make-up, meaning that some of my parental heritage technically belongs to Duke's father, making us biological half-siblings.

Dick, sarcastically: and you just decided never to mention it?

Tim: that's it, call Duke, i don't care if he's asleep-

Jason: ah-ah-ah-! no phone-a-friends!

Damian: -well Hood knew as he was aware of the experiments i went under, and of course i told Duke; apart from that it simply didn't seem relevant.

Tim: didn't seem relevant.

Dick: and Duke didn't think it was relevant either?!

Damian: ...to be honest, i don't think my brother wanted to start up another bout of batfamily drama. especially not one he was centric too. he found it funnier to keep it under wraps and watch from the side-lines.

*silence*

Tim: ...fuck that does sound like Duke.

Dick, amused: Tim-

Tim: NO. NO, DICK. BECAUSE THIS KEEPS FUCKING HAPPENING-

Jason: -you guys are on a stakeout, should you be saying his name so loud-?

Tim: AND THE CRAZIEST SHIT IS ALWAYS THE SHIT THAT'S TRUE! WE ALWAYS GET IT WRONG AND IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE.

Dick: ok but listen to him, there is no way that Dames and Duke are-

Tim: OK BUT WE SAID THAT ABOUT THE ALLIGATOR STORY, AND THE ONE IN PARIS, AND THE THING ABOUT THE LAVA-,

Damian: *snorts*

Tim: -AND HE'S FUCKING LAUGHING AT US-

Dick: BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE'S LYING,

Tim: -OR, OR BECAUSE HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH AND HE'S SMUG ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF CHAOS THIS PARTICULAR SECRET IS CAUSING.

Jason: holy fuck is that Black Mask-? uh, ok, wrap this up, me and my Robin for the night got business to attend to.

Damian: very well. final answers, you two. yay or nay?

*silence*

Tim: *screech of despair*

Dick: *cackle* ok, i'm saying nay, there's no way.

Damian: Red Robin?

Tim: .....um.

Tim: FUCK.

Dick, laughing: Tim,

Tim: LAST TIME I THOUGHT ONE OF THESE WAS RIDICULOUS IT WAS THE TRUTH! THE RIDICULOUS ONES ARE ALWAYS YAYS, IT'S RIDICULOUS.

Jason: that word has lost all meaning.

Damian: well?

Tim: fuck. ok i'm saying yay. yay, sure, whatever. it's the truth. give it to me. i'm fine. tell me now.

Jason: *snorts* Robin?

Damian: ...of course it's a nay, why on earth-

*the sound of something smashing against concrete*

Tim: OH- OH OF COURSE- WHY THE FUCK- OBVIOUSLY IT'S A FUCKING LIE, WHO THE FUCK WOULD HAVE BELIEVED THAT OBVIOUS BULLSHIT-

Jason: *wheezing*

Dick: Red, Red calm down- *wheeze*

Tim: HE SAID THAT HE AND FUCKING SIGNAL WERE RELATED, WHY THE FUCK WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN REAL? WHY WOULD ANYBODY- i'm going to fucking kill myself. i can't- i'm going to-

Dick: ok well you may not have to, because you totally gave away our position and i can see like three guns pointed in our- ok fuck DUCK-

*rapid gunshots*

Tim: I HATE THIS FUCKING GAME- FUCK-

Dick: RED SWITCH LINES WE GOTTA FOCUS HERE.

Damian: sucks to suck, Drake. see you two back at the cave.

*two pings*

*silence*

Jason: Black Mask is staring at me from across the street. he sees us, Robin.

*a beat*

Damian: Hood, what are you- are you having a fucking staring contest with him?

Jason: shut up, you're gonna distract me.

Damian: you're wearing a face-covering helmet-

Jason: -like i was definitely the nicest kid B had to deal with, like compared to you three freaks-

Dick: you were kinda, yeah. you were very competitive though.

Jason: competitive in the good way though.

Tim: the fuck is the good way?

Jason: like i was- i was competitive about schoolwork and being a good Robin. i just wanted to be a better son than Dick so i pretty much acted like an angel

Dick: it also served to piss me off a lot-,

Jason: -that too, that was also a big motivator, you were annoying and i wanted you to stop coming back home,

Tim: *laughing*

Dick: B 100% used that against us by the way.

Jason: the competitiveness?

Dick: yeah, like, do you remember the cold case competitions?

Jason: *gasp* oh my god yes,

Tim: the what?

Jason: holy shit, so whenever me and Dick argued over something Bruce would bring out an unsolvable cold case and tell us whoever figured out who did it would win whatever argument we were having. just to get us to shut up and go away.

Dick: i was like, twenty years old man. it should not have worked on me as much as it did.

Jason: yeah, no- like i was fully convinced i was gonna solve the JFK assassination at thirteen years old just because you wouldn't let me be player one on the WII.

Tim, still laughing: *incredulous* seriously?!?

Damian: hold on- wait. the JFK assassination? what's that?

Jason: oh my god, again? Damian we have to give you a terrorist attack rundown, this is ridiculous.

Tim: first 9/11, now you don't know about JFK-

Damian: no no, i just... you aren't talking about John Fitzgerald Kennedy, are you?

Tim: well yeah, obviously-,

Dick: so you do know this one-

Damian: that's not a cold case? it was just my uncle

-silence-

Jason, voice shaky: sorry???

Damian: the American leader, John Fitzgerald Kennedy? my Uncle Dusan assassinated him on my grandfather's orders. he used to regale me with the story of his victory when he'd put me to bed.

Dick: *screeching* EXCUSE ME?!

Tim: Dusan Al Ghul used to put you to bed?

Dick: THAT'S what you're taking from that?!

Damian: yes, on occasions when mother wasn't available but he was.

Jason, faintly: holy fucking shit-

Tim: Talia used to put you to bed...?

Damian: well somebody had to? i don't understand how this is hard for you to grasp Drake, how could i be locked in if there was nobody to take me to my cell at the end of the day?

Tim: OH ok-

Dick, still freaking out: what the actual fuck-

Jason: i'm crashing out, i swear to god i'm crashing out-

Tim: -no see THAT makes sense, i thought for a second Talia was actually acting motherly but it's fine it was just a miscommunication-

Damian: is Dusan's kill not publicly known, then?

Dick: PUBLICALLY- no, Damian, literally nobody-

*a pause* *intake of breath*

Dick, whispering: holy shit i solved the cold case.

Jason, incredulous: excuse me?

Dick: I SOLVED IT FIRST-

Jason: WOAH WOAH- NO YOU FUCKING DIDN'T, HOLD ON-

Dick: I'M TELLING BRUCE-!

Jason: I'M TELLING BRUCE, THIS IS MY WIN-

Dick: NOT IF I GET TO HIM FIRST-

Jason: DICK FUCK OFF THIS IS MINE-

Dick: FUCK YOU-

*two pings*

*silence*

Damian: ...they're not coming back are they?

Tim: *sigh* nope. wanna go get cinnamon rolls? i've not got much going on through my route.

Damian: i'll meet you at the usual bakery.

Bruce: Robin, Red Robin. ETA on the meeting spot, Red Hood and i are waiting.

Damian: on our way, father.

Tim: yeah we’re like just round the corner- *scuffling noises* *a grunt*-can you fucking cut it out-!

Damian: you are in my way!

Bruce: *sigh* boys…

Tim: no! no, B, you have to tell him to stop shoving into me, you can’t just- Damian knock it off-

Bruce: NO NAMES IN THE MASK!

Jason, slightly muffled: oh for fucks sake-

Bruce: both of you, get here now. clearly we need to have another discussion about the importance of keeping names private.

Damian: i didn’t even do anything, it was Drake that-

-silence-

Damian, solomly: we shall be there soon, father.

-a few minutes later-

Bruce: -not to mention how irresponsible it is to not be paying attention! i know i taught you both better than that.

Jason: *scoffs*

Damian: you didn’t even teach me, Nightwing did.

Tim: *low ‘ooing’ noise* B you gotta spank him, you gonna let him talk back like that?

Damian: shut up, Red Robin.

Bruce: and do you understand how disappointed Nightwing would be with you tonight, Robin? because he sure as hell wouldn’t exactly be proud.

-silence-

Tim, softly: well shit

Jason, incredulous: ok no hold on, usually i let you parent however you want because frankly it’s not my fucking problem, but i actually grew up with Dick and you and i both know he doesn’t give a shit about the no-name rule,

Bruce, instantly: Red Hood go away.

Jason: -one time i accidentally called Batgirl ‘Barb’ during a mission and B made us stay behind so he could give me a chewing out about it, and like half way through the lecture an uber eats driver pulled up and said ‘order for Dick Grayson?’ and Nightwing fucking- sauntered over and took the food without blinking.

Bruce: that’s irrelevant to-

Jason: there was a night i refused to listen to him as Robin when we were patrolling together so he told me that for every act of disobedience he would give one letter of my name up to the police. i fucked up three times and he told an officer my name started with ‘J-A-Y’ and then when i started laughing at him for not knowing how to spell my name he got embarrassed and yelled in front of the officer ‘WELL I GREW UP IN A CIRCUS, SPELLING WASN’T A HIGH PRIORITY!’

Tim: he didn’t know how to spell Jason?

Jason: another time he-

*ping*

Dick: hey sorry to interrupt patrol- Jason unmute your phone, you aren’t answering your texts.

Bruce, weakly: we are in mask, Nightwing. no names.

Dick, unbothered: shut up B- Jason, seriously, i sent you a video of these pigeons i found fighting mid-air you gotta look at it.

Tim: *snickering*

Dick: why is he laughing. Tim why are you laughing.

Damian: Grayson, would you be disappointed if I accidentally forgot about the no-names-in-masks rule?

Dick: *confused* what? no?

Tim: do you know how to spell our names, Nightwing?

Dick: what are you-

*very muffled bird squawks, flapping of wings*

Jason: oh holy shit this video is kinda cool actually

Dick: RIGHT?!

Tim: woah wait let me see-

Damian: tilt the screen forward Todd, theres a glare.

Dick: you guys gotta come to Bludhaven, the pigeon action is off the charts.

Bruce: *forlorn* my mission used to be a solitary one. i used to work alone.

Damian: at least if you worked alone then nobody would ever have a reason to use your name?

Tim: *cackle*

Jason: i bet you guys i could catch a pigeon. like with my bare hands

Dick: we could do pokemon fights-

Jason: i hate the slow nights. like what the fuck are we supposed to do? at this point we aren't vigilante-ing, we're just on a really long walk around Gotham.

Bruce: we should use this opportunity to run through emergency drills-

Dick: ok, somebody kick B from the line-

Tim: -seriously, no. i'm not doing that again

Bruce: you all need to start taking this job more seriously.

Jason: it isn't even a job, B get out.

Tim: hold on,

Dick: *amused* get him, RR.

Bruce: Red Robin, do not- *ping*

-silence-

Tim: fuckin' gottem, lads

Jason, incredulous: DID YOU KICK HIM FROM THE COM LINE?

Dick, laughing: h-holy shit, what if he needs to call for backup?

Jason: this is amazing, i love you.

*ping*

Damian: which one of you kicked father from the main line?

Jason: *starts cackling*

Tim: that would be me,

Damian: i am supposed to be on a solo mission tonight and now he's calling me to whine about being bullied by you all. why can i not have a single night of peace?

Dick: god, he's such a child.

Jason: this is turning into such a good night

Tim: Robin just do what we do and mute his contact.

Damian: i did that the month i moved to the manor, he just hacks through it.

Tim: no i can block his signal so he can't, give me your phone when we get back to the cave I'll handle it, it's what i did with Hood and Nightwing's too.

Damian: that would be appreciated.

*ping*

Oracle: guys, sorry i have to interrupt but Batman's just gone and gotten himself in a fight with like four rogues at once to force you to give him attention again, and now he needs backup.

Tim: Come onnnnnn Dames~

Damian: we're supposed to be on a stakeout.

Dick: wait sorry i had to mute for a fight, what are you two arguing about over there?

Jason: Tim wants to play league days again but Dami's being a little bitch about it.

Dick: OH MY GOD PLEASE LET ME PLAY TOO-

Damian: you are almost thirty years old, Richard. Jesus Christ.

Dick: *gasp* you can't age-shame me! i fuckin' raised you!

Tim: *cackles* for- for like six months!

Jason: yeah i have like five years on you goldie, don't try and steal my child.

Damian: if i play one round will you buy us food and drop it over at the stakeout base?

Tim: oooh, say yes say yes say yes-!

Dick: deal, bring it on.

Jason: fuck yes.

Damian: *huff* alright, it's loading a card.

Damian: *high pitched squeak*

Tim: oh god, what does that mean?

Damian, voice shaking slightly: 'when i was eight, Todd gave me 'the talk', except it turned out that neither his own parents nor father had ever given him the talk, and he had to sit in on when mother corrected everything he'd told me about a month later because he'd gotten it horribly wrong.'

Damian: discuss.

*silence*

*ping*

Tim, crying: did he just-

Dick: OK- *wheeze*

Tim: Jason just left the fucking line-

Dick: WELL I FEEL LIKE THAT JUST GAVE IT AWAY KINDA-

Tim: *shaky weeping* oh my god, holy-

Dick: *cackle* please, please on everything that is FUCKING holy,

Damian: are you even going to ask questions?

Tim: truth. it's a yay. i'm manifesting. give it to us. please.

Dick: *breathless wheezes* you can't- you have to just tell us, Dames come on,

*ping*

Jason: ok-

Damian: it's a yay, it happened.

Jason: FUCK.

*ping*

Dick and Tim: *burst out laughing*

Damian: i truly feel like that was his own fault.

Dick: oh yeah i see you guys, hold on coming in hot-

*grunt*

Dick: hey, who are we waiting for?

Damian: Hood is working on the other side of Gotham tonight, but we're still supposed to wait for father while he talks to Catwoman

Dick: *a groan* god, he always takes forever when he's talking to her, and i'm already bored!

Tim: yeah we've been waiting for twenty minutes.

Jasons, whispering: sucks to suck for you guys- oh SHIT-

*distant gunshots*

Dick, casual: did you just give away your position to insult us Jay?

Jason, strained: *gunshot* NO,

*more gunshots, a yelp*

*silence*

Dick: anyway i'm still bored.

Tim: wanna play a game me and Damian made up?

Dick: you two made up a game?

Tim: yeah after Damian messed up and accidentally revealed he was fun on the main line.

Damian: i don't know what you're talking about, i've never had fun in my life.

Tim: -we're calling it 'league days: yay or nay?'

Dick, amused: ok, what are the rules.

Tim: ok, so, the aim of the game is to find out stuff from Damian's league days, because he got up to a lot of insane shit over there. he wrote down any interesting experiences he could remember onto a bunch of cards and then got Jason to digitalize them into a randomizer,

Tim: and then we got Jason to come up with a bunch of fake experiences and mix them in with the real ones. Damian doesn't know what the fake ones are so he has no way to come up with stories beforehand. the rules are Damian has to use the app Jason made to shuffle a random card, read it out loud to us, and then we have to guess if it's real or fake. we can ask him questions about what the card says and he has to answer, and then we have to figure out if he's bullshitting or not.

Tim: Jason isn't allowed to play because obviously he was there for like, 90% of the truths.

Jason: but i am allowed to listen and laugh! fuck you guys by the way, i almost died and nobody checked up on me.

Damian: sucks to suck, Todd. are you playing, Grayson?

Dick, giggling: holy shit, yes, i'm in. read a card.

Damian: ok, hold on.

*a beat*

Damian: oh- *a strangled sigh*

Tim: you have to read it out loud!

Damian: i am!

Damian: 'when i was a child, Todd introduced me to pokemon games, and then convinced me that pokemon were real by painting a snail and telling me it was a very small magcargo. years later, this lie was then used to convince me that i should move to Gotham.'

Jason: *bursts out wheezing* OH MY GOD-

*continuous cackles*

Damian: we may have to mute him.

*more distant laughter*

Tim: please god, let this be true.

Dick, smothering giggles: and- oh my god- and we get to ask questions?

Damian, resigned: ask away.

Tim: so- hmm.

Dick: *wheeze*

Tim: the reason you came to Gotham...?

Dick, wetly: yeah that's- that's what i think we need clarification on. Jason... Jason told you pokemon were real, and then...?

Damian: so i was around five years old, and had never played a video game before, and Todd came back from a mission with one of those handheld consoles and an old pokemon game loaded in.

Tim: what, and he told you it was real?

Damian: he told me it was based on reality and that it was just very rare to see pokemon in real life, especially in the area that the compound was in. to be fair i'd never left, so i had no way to confirm that or not.

Dick: still though, painting a snail got you to believe it?

Damian: it was- i-

*a sigh*

Damian: it was a fairly competent art project.

Jason: *starts laughing again*

Tim: see this is a hard one, because i don't know if he's laughing because of how proud he is that he did it, or because of how funny he finds his own lie. he makes shit up all the time.

Dick: this is genuinely a tough game, what the fuck. ok. how did this correlate with you coming to Gotham? i thought Talia sent you?

Damian: my mother gave me the option of going to Gotham to train with Batman, or to go into hiding with her and help during the league uprisings. i was unsure at the time because i had never met father before and didn't know what it would entail, but Todd obviously knew i would be safer coming to Gotham with him when he returned, so he took it upon himself to convince me to choose Batman.

Jason: *high pitched weeping*

Tim: see- SEE DAMIAN'S SMILING, i feel like he wouldn't find it funny if it was true, he'd just be angry that he'd ever fallen for it.

Damian: not necessarily. Todd has a very infectious laugh, i could just find his odd squeaking entertaining. you cannot base your answer on that.

Dick: so did you come to Gotham because he told you that there would be pokemon to see or something?

Damian: he told me that team rocket was active in Gotham, and that they were abusing pokemon. i have a fondness for animals, so obviously this angered me and i wanted to intercept.

Tim: it- *wheeze* it angered you-,

Jason: *silent gasps of laughter*

Dick: and what happened when- like, how did you find out he'd lied to you?

Damian: i figured it out on the boat to Gotham, about a day's journey away, and i was so infuriated that i pushed his motorcycle off the boat and sunk it. we were actually- it made us late, we were a day later than expected coming into Gotham because i sunk our ride from the boat to the city and we had to take public transport.

Dick: see but thats- like you told me before that the journey from the compound took two weeks, i can't imagine you being outside the compound for two whole weeks and not clocking that pokemon didn't exist in the real world.

Damian: i was busy with other things

Tim: bullshit, you literally said it was the reason you went!

*ping*

Bruce: apologies for the delay, i am three minutes out from your location. does anybody have any info on Red Hood? i've received reports that he may have been dosed with laughing gas. does he need backup?

Tim: he's fine, he's just an ass.

Jason, still struggling to breathe: ok- ok B's gonna ruin it now so i'm calling it. you have to choose, yay or nay?

Dick: THIS IS SO HARD!

Bruce: what's going on?

Tim: *groaning* god i so want it to be true... but i just don't buy the two week thing. i think you would have figured it out sooner.

Dick: i'm with Tim. i gotta go with nay. it's a lie.

Jason: *laughs slightly* *high pitched* alright, Damian. yay or nay, did this happen?

*silence*

Damian: *deep sigh* as much as i really wish it hadn't, this one was true. i did indeed, for a solid half a decade, believe that pokemon were real.

Dick: WHA-

Tim: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS-?!

Jason: *bursts out laughing again* *cheering*

Damian: i should have never agreed to play this game again.

Jason: hey, Nightwing, you still on this line?

Dick: *slightly strained* yeah hey, we're here, what's up? i thought you and Red Robin were on a stakeout?

Jason: yeah we just got a question, we're trying to settle a debate.

Dick: go for it.

Jason: Tim asked which terrorist attack i thought had the most 'aura', and now we're arguing over their different aesthetics.

Dick: oh for fucks sake.

Jason: now i said- what the fuck's that reaction for?

Dick: you guys have got to stop having those kinds of conversations on patrol, dude. last week Vicky Vale released an article about how Robin and Red Robin were recorded by civilians discussing which rogues were most likely to be transphobic.

Damian: i still believe Joker would be an ally.

Dick: -shut up Robin. one of these days you guys're gonna get us all cancelled on twitter.

*a few beats of silence*

Jason: ok so anyway, i said 9/11,

Dick, groaning: Hood.

Damian: what's 9/11?

Jason: ...sorry what?

Damian: 9/11. what is it.

Dick: *loud sigh* just a reminder, Robin, we're supposed to be tracking a drug cartel right now.

Jason: shut the fuck up Dick he doesn't know what 9/11 is- TIM FUCK OFF stop trying to use my com, join the call yourself!

Tim, very distantly: TELL HIM I HAVE A POWERPOINT ON ALL THE CONSPIRACIES, TELL HIM- *grunt*

Jason: -said fuck OFF. Damian we really need to have a conversation about what exactly the league's education for you entailed, because a lot of stuff got left out.

Damian: is this going to be like when you taught me about the omegaverse? because i didn't like that. Nightwing i found the truck by the way, pinging you my location.

Dick: hold on- fuck the drug cartel, Hood you told him about the omegaverse?!

*a beat*

Dick: ok i think that's our guy. you ready to- *pause* Hood.

Jason: *distracted questioning hum*

Dick: who are you texting right now? we're supposed to be working.

Jason: yeah, yeah- i'm paying attention, i am, it's just the demon brat.

Dick: wait- you're texting Damian?!

Jason, casual: yeah, he's still pissed that Bruce's made him go on that overnight fieldtrip. been complaining to me all day about it.

Dick: *incredulous noise* i text him once to ask how it was going and he told me if i kept 'hovering' he'd block my number! how come you can text him all day and i get banned instantly?!

Jason: because i'm the fun brother?

Dick: you are not the-

*distant ping* *a snort*

Dick: -wait what'd he say?

Jason: uh, 'this is fucking stupid, i should have stayed in the desert'. hold on, let me voice message him back a sec and then we can go jump our target.

Jason: *throat clear* you should just shoot up the school, it would solve all your problems instantly.

Dick: JASON JESUS CHRIST-

Jason: don't fuckin' yell in my ear! and don't yell my goddamn identity, what's your problem?!

Dick: you can't say that shit to him!

Jason: see this is why i'm the fun brother. Damian'l find that funny, you guys are all just cowards.

*distant ping*

Jason: see? 'lmfao'. i'm his favourite.