How to Introduce Sex Toys to Your Relationship
Sex toys can open up a world of possibilities for your sex life but folks who have never used them before might find toys a bit daunting, intimidating, or impersonal. Truth is, it can be a difficult thing for a lot of people to bring up for one reason or another. That being said, the benefits of being able to incorporate toys in your sex life could be life-changing. Here are some tips to make the conversation go smoothly.
When it comes to partnered sex, everything starts and ends with communication and this guide is no exception. Weβre starting off with the hard part for most people: communicating your desires to your partner.
While it may sound scary for some folks, it shouldnβt be. In fact, this conversation may very well be the start of more open and honest communication with your partner if you havenβt discussed things like this before. Once you start asking directly for the things you want, itβll get easier and easier to have these kinds of conversations and chances are youβll be a lot more satisfied in your relationship.
A lot of things can lead to someone having anxiety about bringing up their desire to use sex toys with their partner. Lots of folks grow up in strict or religious homes and have been taught that sex is shameful from childhood. Upbringings like this can lead to a lifetime of sexual repression if those ideas are never challenged. As adults, we are free to explore our sexualities without shame but it might take some work (and maybe even some therapy) to get there.
People who have been in unhealthy relationships may also have anxiety when it comes to asking for what they want. Itβs not always easy for someone to be assertive or confident enough to be direct about their sexual needs. A conversation like this may take working up to. You may have to test the waters by trying to have more open discussions about other things first. Talking directly about your relationship, the kind of sex youβre having, and the things you like doing with your partner can help establish a more open line of communication. Validating your partnerβs contributions to the conversation is a really important part of this process and with any hope, youβll get positive feedback for sharing your feelings, too. From there you can work up to being more direct about what you want in bed.
Before approaching this subject with your partner, I recommend doing a bit of solo research. Put some thought into the kind of toys youβre interested in to get an understanding of how they work and what options there are for you and your partner. Show them that youβve put some thought into the idea of bringing toys into the bedroom.
Keep in mind that discussing sex toys can make people feel inadequate or self-conscious if theyβve never explored them before. People who have never used sex toys before can struggle with the idea that bringing toys into a relationship means theyβre not βgood enoughβ on their own. This is an intrusive thought someone might experience when their partner asks about bringing toys into the bedroom, so be prepared to reassure them.
As someone who owns several hundred sex toys, I can tell you first hand that they are not alternatives to human companions. They are tools or accessories that can enhance a sexual interaction with someone, but arenβt a replacement for sex, love, or intimacy. The idea that a sex toy would be like βreplacing your partnerβ equates your partnerβs value to their ability to have sex with you. Make it absolutely clear to your partner that sex toys are something you want to experience together and not something that means youβre dissatified with their sexual performance in any way. Toys can add a lot of sensations to sex that we canβt manually achieve on our own but that doesnβt make them βbetterβ than sex without toys.
The idea of using certain kinds of toys may also lead to some mixed emotions. Kink toys, for example, can be overwhelming for someone who is otherwise vanilla and doesnβt understand the motivation behind sexual sadism. Anal toys can be a sensitive subject for men, who are often socialized to think of anal penetration as emasculating or "gay". Also, certain sex toys may trigger dysphoria for trans and nonbinary folks. Whatever your partnerβs concern is, itβs important to validate their emotions and discuss your options together. Educate them on the benefits of incorporating sex toys into your routine and reassure them that theyβre safe to explore their sexuality with you.
Decide on a Purchase Together
One of the biggest mistakes that people make when purchasing a sex toy to use with their partner is not including said partner in the decision. While I understand that surprising your partner with a new toy may seem romantic, getting their opinion on something that would work well for them is really your best bet with something as intimate as sex toys. Sit down and talk to your partner about what they want (or donβt want) in a toy and look up body-safe options together.
When Iβm visiting sex shops around the country for my "Sex Tour" series, something I see all the time is people asking staff what kind of toy their wife might like. While thereβs no shame in going to a brick and mortar sex shop and discussing options with their staff (itβs honestly encouraged!), youβre pretty much guaranteed to have a better time using a product that you and your partner bought together as opposed to one that was chosen for your partner by a stranger.
As a sex toy reviewer, I can tell you with confidence that some sex toys have a learning curve. Sometimes I have to test the same toy over and over to really get a feel for it or an understanding of all its features. You donβt need to master using a particular toy all in the first try, so donβt get discouraged if youβre unsure about a toy at first. Try bringing it into your routine a bit more to get used to it (so long as itβs not posing any safety concerns).
You may also need to try more than one toy to find the right fit for you. Lots of folks who donβt know what to look for end up buying a toy they donβt get much use out of. This is why I suggest you put a bit of research into sex toys before investing in one but even when you do your homework, you may end up with a toy that just doesnβt cut it. I try to recommend investing in cheaper sex toys when youβre just getting a feel for what youβre looking for. That being said, safety should never be compromised for cost. There are lots of affordable body-safe options out there!
I recommend a simple check-in with your partner when youβre first getting used to using toys together. After a scene, ask how they felt using the toy together. Listen to their feedback and give your thoughts, as well. If you enjoyed using the toy with your partner, tell them how hot it was! If it wasnβt all you hoped it would be, be honest about that. Try to problem-solve together or figure out alternatives that might work better another time.
Once you have a good understanding of your toy and how it works for you, you can use that information along with your partnerβs feedback to guide your next purchase. Think about what you both like and donβt like about the toy(s) you already own and try to find models that might better suit your needs. Branch out to different types of toys as well, because even if you decide on a vibrator, for example, there are so many subcategories to choose from. Thereβs a plethora of sex toys out there to explore and once you dip your toes in the water, you may find yourselves wanting to dive straight in.
This article was sponsored by Vive.
All writing and opinions are my own.
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