Koala School

Vs

Bilbo Baggins "GOODBYE" *disappears entirely*

Ok

Too Hot:

Invented the alphabet, good public speaker, angyTM, won Arda's Got Talent with a moving rendition of "diamonds are a girl's best friend", told satan to get bent to his face, has killed people for shiny objects

JIRT:

Loves His Wife, is a furry, Mad Hops, literally came back from the dead, disney princess friend of animals, missing a hand because he got too confident during an Epic Heist for shiny objects

bingo:

In 1932, Tolkien purchased an automobile: a Morris Crowley. The car was called "Jo" after the first two letters of its license plate, and Tolkien had a tendency to drive it like a knight on his prancing charger. On the family's first long-distance road trip, to visit Hilary Tolkien on his Evesham fruit farm, the car's tires punctured twice (a rather common hazard of the time) and Tolkien managed to knock down a stone wall near Chipping Norton (for which he had no one to blame but himself).

Tolkien's technique for navigating busy intersections was to ignore all other vehicles and floor it, yelling "Charge'em and they scatter!" as he blasted his way through traffic.

IT MAKES SENSE NOW LMFAO I COULD NEVER HAVE PREDICTED THIS

Well.

practical. elegant. gigantic. difficult to hug. has wings. 

allow me to demonstrate;

A meme from that Avenger’s scene.

i’m sorry WHAT???????

???????????????????

???!!!!!????!!!?!??????????!!!!??????

If he’s pretty, golden and has a hippy vibe -> Finrod

If he’s pretty, golden but with a chad vibe -> Glorfindel

If he’s pretty, but you cannot tell whether he’s 30 or 15 -> Finarfin

If he’s monstrously big, clad in all black with a satanic crown -> Melkor

If he’s of reasonable size and also clad in all black -> Literally Eol or Maeglin both interchangeable 

If he’s a redhead and has an emo look on his face, prob no hand -> Maedhros

If he’s a redhead but looks like he could be in a drag show -> Sauron/Mairon

If he looks like a fairy -> Legolas

If he looks like a magnificent bastard -> Feanor

If he looks like a magnificent bastard but blonde -> Thranduil

If dark haired, bearded and disheveled -> Aragorn or Beren often in the company of a hot elf chick, both interchangeable 

Pretty, dark haired but with gold decorations -> Fingon. Literally no way you could mistake this for anyone else

Pretty, angsty and has a harp -> Maglor

Pretty and too much black hair everywhere, dancing in the woods -> Luthien

If they have red hair and are male...it’s probably Maedhros. If you’re still not sure (the Ambrussa are red-heads too) check the hands. If one is missing it’s Maedhros.

Gold braided into dark hair= Fingon

If they have a harp it could be any number all of them of musically inclined elves but best bet is either Maglor or Finrod. If blond with or without Sauron looming in the background it’s Finrod. If dark-haired it’s probably Maglor.

Finrod also tends to appear with a blinding necklace and a posse of friendly dwarves and men. Despite the fact that he canonically lost it and chucked his crown at his back-stabbing cousins he is usually smiling.

Thingol is the really tall one with silvery hair. He is probably scowling. May or may not be fondly contemplating roasting Beren and or Celegorm and Curufin assorted Fëanorians on a spit.

Lúthien is usually either dancing in a field or singing an assortment of Sauron/Morgoth/Mandos into agreement. Generally appears with inhuman amounts of hair, stars, a half-dead Beren and a wolf-hound.

Fingolfin -see Fingon minus gold braided into hair. Frequently on a rearing horse or charging a Vala ten times his size.

Earwen-she takes the title of Swan-maid seriously. Almost never glimpsed without accompanying swans and/or starry waves. Also fond of artful strings of pearls. Silver hair.

Finarfin- Gold hair, pensive expression. Occasionally wearing a crown. See Finarfin without blinding necklace.

Galadriel- overwhelming amounts of gold hair, lots of white dresses, occasionally looks possessed and evil. Wise and fearless and fair.

Celeborn- fair and presumably wise and fearless. Mostly disappears into Galadriel’s shadow. Silver hair, has some reservations about dwarves and Gandalf.

Fëanor -tall, dark and occasional kin-slayer. Frequently waving some combination of swords and magic jewels. Also seen burning ships or accompanied by some other manifestation of fire. His mother named him well...

Aredhel- physically incapable of wearing anything other than white.

Nerdenal- pretty much all red-headed female elves that aren’t Tauriel. Deserves better on every level. Occasionally shown with Fëanor her handsome, driven and murderous husband. More often shown with a hammer or at a forge.

Turgon - seldomed seen as he is holed up in Goldolin. When he does appear he is ridiculously tall, dark-haired and possibly stubbornly standing on a tower surrounded by dragons and balrogs. Enjoys throwing the unworthy off of sheer cliffs.

Pretty, blond and hanging out with a human woman- Aegnor

Pretty, blond with two ill-fated blonde children-Angrod

Idril- blonde, happily shown with a human husband her father shockingly made no objection too. Also shown avoiding her creepy cousin and fleeing balrogs.

Maeglin- see Idril’s creepy cousin. Likes moles, treason and his cousin.