why so pale and wan, fond lover?

good morning, you already know what tf day it is. let's get it crackin, let's get those cocks crankin, let's never ever die forever

toxic boyfriend who says "manip-ya later!!!" as hes leaving the house to go cheat on you

the Ice War on Europa...

Two dudes in my group chat have been playing league & slowly but surely have shifted from saying "wanna play league of legends" to "wanna play some geego legends". At this point their average post is just @ing the other and going "geegogagand?" and I feel insane

oooh... you touch my tralala... oooh... my [melancholy harp riff] plin plin plon

Polycules should be able to trade people like sports teams do

Listen -- you're a good defender and your pussy is fantastic, but that's not what our team needs right now. We're trading you to Greater Boston in exchange for someone who has a car.

i hope i never get described as gormless. i couldn't ever fathom being without my gorm

The goalies cradle the ball because they believe it to be an egg and are trying to keep the other players from breaking it. Unfortunately they have also been led to believe that the egg's True Mother is one of the players and feels obligated to return the egg. Needless to say the winning team will get to hatch the Great Serpent.

hey man I'm the torturer [shaking your hand and detecting apprehension] that just means it's my job to torture people [visibly uncomfortable] there are lots of people like me

picking the torture option and the next day the first thing he does right off the bat is make me eat a really big live spider

so i think the solution is to give dachshunds a third pair of legs right in the middle

going over to my minimalist girlfriend’s house and she apologizes profusely for the mess and there’s just a single perfect, fresh pea on the floor of her living room

Blue Lois

can i help you

Red Marge

jesus christ. I Am Under Fucking Attack

World Heritage Post

i deserve a medal for this post. not because i was particularly funny but because i survived an onslaught of nearly one hundred gimmick blogs in the wake of this post popping off, and the fact that i didn’t try to track any of them down and snuff them out with my bare hands is a testament to my immeasurable strength and should be rewarded. at one point i had “the official letter h” add on to this post. you wanna know that blog’s gimmick? the really funny and original and worthwhile gimmick the official letter h blog had? yep you guessed it they just gave me the god damned letter H and then fucked off. only jesus knows the suffering i endured over that harsh winter, and he wept for me

once I snorted a fat line of nuance and everything started depending. watch out