why so pale and wan, fond lover?

I have GOT to stop spending $30

“source?” the mold in my water bottle told me

When all you have is a handsaw, every problem looks like a beautiful lady in a box. And you have a magician outfit. And people are watching.

I often complain about my life but one thing I am grateful for is that I've almost never been shot at with a cannon. That happened all the time in the old days and it seems like it sucked a lot

things are getting… spicy in the spice section

Just saw a fish get his head torn asunder by a massive cleaver. Hope he’s okay.

He is not.

I'm trying to remain optimistic

gen z is trying to cancel the mysterious and horrible obelisk im building at the edge of town

my sister and her husband go see new movies a lot and a place near the theater they go to does $5 margaritas on monday so they’ve started doing marg movie mondays where they go see a movie and get a marg but they call the margaritas different things based on what they’re seeing. as far as naming goes “wuthering margs” was a little bit of a miss for me but it was preceded by “margipliers” when we saw iron lung so thats kind of a lot to live up to

does anyone like me and want to understand me

It's nice that loud noises don't stick to clothes like smells do. That would be really bad if they did.

hello my name is Stray Hair snd my big dream is to play the itsy bitsy spider on broadway. doyou mind if i practice on the side of your head.

You can lie when you name things

8 hours of decent sleep will have you thinking things like 'i am a beautiful horse and i will never die'

2 hours of bad sleep will have you thinking things like 'i am a stranded whale and i need to be covered in dynamite in an ill-advised attempt to clear the beach'

I bet for like a fraction of a second getting hit by a bus would feel really good

Like sexually?

probably

*puts my cigarettes out on you*

*wuickly smokes it all before you can reach me*

oh a wise guy huh? *rolls up my sleeves* why I oughta…

*wuickly rolls your sleeves back down before you can hit me*

i let my cat sniff dr pepper and she identified all 23 mysterious flavors with ease

Can’t wait to not sleep at all on September 11th

i know ur from the uk(?) but reading this as an american is really really funny

why 😭 it’s about twenty one pilots???? Their new album is out sep 12th????