mist in the mountains

Daily #2,292! No one is more shocked than me.

I’m not telling you how to relate to parents who were shitty/abusive to you, obviously, but given a relatively healthy relationship or the ATTEMPT to build one as adults, you’ve genuinely got to let your older relatives talk to you in their own way about the things they’re interested in. Yes, sometimes it is painfully boring, yes, sometimes they do it in a slow or round-about manner or tell you way too much, but sometimes it’s boring listening to a twelve year old talk about fortnite. I still do it, because people, adult or child, need and want people to talk to about their interests. 

My dad is into the cringiest possible anime. I am halfway to dissociation every time he spends 30-60 minutes walking me through the entire plot of an anime, one episode at a time. One time we had an eight hour car ride and that was the ENTIRE trip and by the end I wanted to DIE. But I still let him do it! Because he needs someone to talk to his passions about, and I care about him and know that being that person for him makes him happy and improves our relationship. Because of that, we spent the SECOND eight hour car ride talking about the history of unions, something I spent 27 years not even knowing my father had an interest in! 

I’m going to start with the biggest one: She wouldn’t let me ask any questions about the surgery until I booked the pre-op appointment AND the surgery. I’m going to say that again: She wouldn’t answer any of my questions until I scheduled the actual surgery. 

They require you to have all your letters in before scheduling an appointment which I thought was normal. After I decided to go get two more consultations with two other surgeons, I found out it definitely wasn’t. This dragged out the process by a few weeks, and then once they FINALLY got the paperwork processed they accidentally shredded them. It was ridiculous and obviously dragged it out another two weeks.

She would not explain why I couldn’t get keyhole. I was already 100% prepared to get double incision since I was pretty sure I didn’t qualify for keyhole, but I still wanted the surgeon themself to explain why. I also only found a few results/reviews online and it seems she makes everyone get DI without explaining it properly. Once I saw the surgeon I’ve decided to go to now, he explained exactly why I could get it but why people choose not to. Her lack of ability to explain why keyhole wasn’t an option (it was) really speaks to how much she knows of top surgery in general, in my opinion.

The office staff are extremely rude to the point that the last time I called them, one of them mocked me. Genuinely repeated the sentence I said to her back in a high pitched voice. She also wouldn’t let me say more than three or four words before she would yell over me. I’m honestly still a bit in shock from being yelled at on the phone by someone who works at the hospital I almost went to.

They told me that I was approved for surgery by my insurance so they helped me pick out my date for me. I called them yesterday to have them transfer over the approval paperwork to my other surgeon so I wouldn’t have to start the process over and they told me they had no record of my insurance being approved or the surgeon signing a pre-authorization form. They were going to give me surgery before my insurance went through while directly lying to me that it had been. 

The surgeon whose consultation I went to after deciding against her explained the surgery so thoroughly in the first appointment he answered 11/14 of the questions on my list before I even asked them. Both the surgeons I scheduled consultations with after her recommended I bring the letter to the first appointment, but afterwards was fine as to not slow down the process of first seeing the surgeon. They also provided the paperwork I could sign for them to contact my medical professionals directly to get the letters for me. At Virginia Mason, you had to get the letters yourself before you can schedule anything. The reason this doesn’t work well is because the consultation is basically an interview to see if you like the surgeon or not.

The most malicious thing I felt at Virginia Mason was that their system is set up to make you feel like they are your only choice. By not letting me get a consultation until I had the letters (which they have very specific guidelines for) and then not answering any questions until the pre-op, which you have to schedule within a month of surgery, I ended up feeling trapped into getting surgery with her because I’d already invested so much of my time.

Schinako on Instagram / Society6

Value and respect come from recognizing your place in nature and your ability to both help and hurt.

Go outside and just move some rocks and let them hold some worms. Let them get muddy. If they squash a bug, ask them why. Tell them the bugs live here too.

This sounds silly, but it’s tried and true. Each time I’ve seen a kid smash a bug, I say “why did you feel that bug wasn’t allowed to be alive?” Never in an accusing tone, never judgmental. Ask them gently, honestly. They might be dismissive and bashful at first, but if you ask them again, if you say “I like bugs, and I think it’s good that they are alive,” they start to think. You can see it happen. You can see them begin to consider life they’ve probably been told before doesn’t mater.

Tell them what you like about bugs. If you’re afraid of bugs, tell them that too. tell them “I find them a little scary, but this is why they’re still good.” Tell them they don’t have to like something for it to have value. Tell them even the things they don’t like have value.

Every time a child says they’re afraid of bugs, or dirt, we go outside, and I find a worm (most people react best to them because they don’t have a bunch of little legs), and I hold it and tell them some simple little facts. I ask them if they want to hold it. They almost always do. It’s okay if they don’t want to. Never force the interaction. It’s vital to form positive experiences and associations.

I wipe some mud on my hands. I ask them if they want some mud on their hands. If they do, I give them some mud. I tell them what worms are doing down their in the ground, which anyone can learn on google to share.

We move rocks and find beetles and spiders. They’re delicate, so we don’t pick them up. We watch them. I ask them what they imagine beetles think about all day, and they always make me laugh with their ideas. I tell them “maybe, maybe that’s what beetles think about.” Let them imagine.

Look up the birds where you live. Yes, even the “boring” ones like pigeons and sparrows. Talk about what the eat, where they go at night to sleep. Ask them where the think birds sleep. In beds like us? They’ll usually tell you no, in trees! Kids want to teach as much as they want to learn.

We talk about grass and trees. We talk about what makes the world alive. Their young minds change and make new decisions about how they want to exist in the world.

One day, if all goes well, value and respect grow into a sense of responsibility and obligation.