planaticdreams

I have never felt so light, as if the burden that once clung to me—of loss, of grief—has finally dissipated, unshackling my spirit. For the first time, there is peace, a quietude that permeates everything around me, as though nothing holds the power to disturb this newfound calm. No longer do I expend my energy on what does not return it in kind. Should something come, I accept it. Should it depart, I release it. What once weighed so heavily upon me now seems distant, as though I have risen above it all, or perhaps I have simply ceased to care, lost in an indifference that resembles peace—or despair. Either way, I no longer suffer at the hands of emotions stirred by others.

the whole concept of a picture or a film itself was to capture the moment. we don't want them to end so badly that we just capture it so that we can look back at them & visit them in our memory lane. but we just alter & fake it so much by editing & posing that at this point it's just meaningless. i love pictures of me that weren't taken by asking me to smile properly or stand correctly but just in the moment. like those pictures of me smiling widely or the ones taken from my 'bad profile' which is the right one btw, or the ones taken by my friends 'just for memories' & the ones they said they'll not post anywhere. & the ones my mom loves but are too corny or too cliché. pictures of my friends just looking at me, or videos of them when they're drunk(which are hilarious btw). the candids, the 'bad pictures', the videos where I'm being myself. the unfiltered & unaltered skies or the videos of those trees that i took because i thought they were too big but they look like normal trees to everyone else. the pictures of my cat i take everyday. the video of me caressing the horse or the videos of those cute lambs that i took. But all of them. all. do not reach up to the level of what Instagram & media has set, so posting them seems embarrassing or the quality isn't 'gram-worthy' or 'post-worthy'. but they're far more important and precious than all this media fancy concerns & societal blemishes. they mean something to us. & doesn't matter if we do or do not share it w others. it's ours. which is why the concept of pictures & films is still alive & beautiful.

what anxiety feels like is that it always feels like there are words stuck inside of my chest that my heart won't let me say, all these words stacked up, they are my demons, my chest feels heavy & how do i speak about it? how do i speak about my demons when they're sitting on my lungs.

I couldn't sleep. I had a weird pain in my chest. I couldn't breathe. I could feel someone or something sitting over my lungs. I had no one to go to. All people do is invalidate my pain, my suffering, my feelings. I can only turn to God. And I did. I prostated to him. Cried myself out. He listened. Whenever something like this happens to me, my believe that this life is just temporary and there is a hereafter strengthens. Indeed God is great.

i told her. i told her that i couldn't breathe. i told her how bad i was feeling. she just stood over there and looked at me like i was some idiot. i asked her if I'm a bad person, she replied saying 'no' but her face said something else. she walked away like i was so stupid she couldn't stand me anymore. this is why i chose to shut up. this is why i don't open up. people love saying bullshit like "I'm here" "i can listen" "i care" "talk to me" but no one really cares. No one gives a fuck. no one cares if you die or live. they just fake being nice to satisfy their own mind, just for the sake of it. help yourself or you'll end up in the grave way before you're ought to be. Nobody is your friend. everyone's only really there for themselves.

Invalidating somebody's feelings by saying shit like they're overthinking , being dramatic , overreacting , or that they're being too sensitive and caring too much is wrong. stop doing it, you're not helping.