He was done and then he just. Kept. Going.

a guy shoots at me with a sniper rifle and I catch the bullet in my teeth and eat it, but he saw that coming and put poison in the bullet, but I saw that coming and drank an antidote ahead of time, but all those weird chemicals still give me a really bad kidney stone a few days later and I pass out from pain and crash my car into, by pure coincidence, the sniper

My problem is that I have betrayed everything that I am for phone in bed

Kermit the Frog would be an ideal assassin because if caught he would need to be tried by a jury of his peers (Muppets) and you would not be able to find a Muppet who does not have a pre-existing opinion on Kermit the fucking Frog. case thrown out. kermie can kill again. it's easy being green

And is the "bus in zero minutes" at the stop with us right now?

the power of a bowl of rice mixed with some fucking bullshit cannot be overstated

HATE when you can't stand someone who is literally harmless. Like oh I'm the bitch here. I'm 100% in the wrong but nonetheless fuuuccckkk this guy

[Image ID: Tumblr tags reading: #one time i was hooking up with someone and we were trying to be discreet for a bit #and one day i forgot my chapstick so they let me use theirs #and five mins later my coworker cornered me in the break room and was like 'when did you two start hooking up?' #and i was like oh my god were we that obvious?? #and they said 'no don't worry. i just remember your immunodeficient so i knew you'd only #use someone else's chapstick if the risk were negligible.' #i was Floored /End ID]

I used to get really bad nose bleeds but sometimes could feel when they were starting. One day in middle school this guy in geography class wouldn’t shut the fuck up about that conspiracy theory that Delaware doesn’t exist, so when I felt one coming on I loudly interrupted the rant our teacher was inexplicably allowing to derail the class by saying “if you don’t stop I’m gonna have an aneurism!” The guy of course just kept going so a second later a small torrent of blood gushed out of my head and, being a dramatic bitch, I collapsed face down onto my desk into a nice little puddle of blood. Anyway apparently outside of intense Roman Senate-esque debates, these stunts apparently induce panic attacks in educators and end up with you getting lectured about how traumatizing it is for your classmates when you “fake your death for dramatic effect”

I believe this falls into the "I don't think people should be punished for objectively funny crimes" category.

love is real. it’ll never happen to me. whatever

i love being single except every few months when i want to be loved so bad that it eats me alive and makes me physically ill for two weeks but like the rest of the time im chill