Things I wish I could tell indian families when it comes to communication -
• Communication doesn't make things worse. Miscommunication, avoidance, brushing things under the carpet and surface-level communication does. Communication may disrupt the calm, but that's not necessarily bad. Sometimes the surface is held together precariously and it needs to be dismantled to be fixed/resolved.
• You NEED to talk about what you talk about; just talking about something is not enough. To make that sound less redundant - two people say what they think/feel to each other; that's just ONE step of communication. The next step includes talking about what was shared. Sharing what you wanted to is like giving somebody a wrapped gift. Talking about that is like unwrapping the package to see what the gift inside is.
Why is this important? So that person A understands the feelings, intentions, roots of what person B is saying and vice versa, to gain closure (whatever that may seem/feel like) - when you say something, your words are there in the air between the two of you, when the other person acknowledges/reflects it, the words get absorbed. When there is no absorption of words, they're left hanging in the air and there is no closure.
Eg. "I feel so frustrated that I'm always the one to wake up early to make breakfast" - person A
Person B - "You know I can't wake up early because I work till 1AM, how can you even say that, you're so insensitive"
Person B - " yeah i get that, waking up early sucks , and having to do that daily sucks a lot."
Person A - " yeah exactly! I wish you could do it sometimes"
Person B - "I know, I know, i understand what you mean. I see how hard it is for you wake up early everyday, I see you. I wish I could help you with that"
Person A - " I wish you could too... But I get why you can't"
Etcetc - this is a made-up, idealistic scenario, but do you see the difference? How did you feel reading situation #1 and then reading #2?
• Keep away what's taken for granted when it comes to communication. "Aah we're family, even if we fight or argue and brush things away, we'll stay together, we'll always be family, so why unnecessarily make things complicated when anyway we'll always be there for each other" - because security. Security doesn't just mean financial, familial security. It also means emotional security. When you're feeling vulnerable or overwhelmed, do you feel secure enough to share that vulnerability, to invite somebody else into it to share that space with you? You may feel like you can, but can you do it, if I ask you to? Can you share that with the secure feeling that you will be seen and your feelings will be held instead of dismissed, slighted, brushed away or made light of? Can you do it with the secure feeling that your feelings will be validated?
And can you talk about it if that doesn't happen? Can you have a discussion on how you'd like to be understood? Can you talk about feeling misunderstood? Can the other person receive it without taking it personally? Can you talk about your history, about something from years ago which struck you and haven't left yet - something which has dug its claws into you - without it being dismissed/brushed away once again; can the other person acknowledge that, can they hold it? Can old things be discussed and given a platform to be heard instead of being brushed away into dark cupboards inside our mind, from which baggage overflows when there's a small gap?
• Talk about deep stuff. Talk about patterns in the family. Talk about tension. Talk about hurt feelings. Hold. Hold. Hold.
For example - there is a pattern in a family where everything is made into a competition. This has motivated children to grow and become adults who still have that mindset ingrained in them, but at the same time they feel like it's not working for them. Talking about that would include - "the longstanding pattern in our family has been to view everything as a competition. I see where this is coming from, because our parents had to have this mentality to gain independence and make life comfortable for us. And they applied the same to us to motivate us to want to succeed, to flourish. But i feel like it's doing more harm than good, and this competition mindset is adding a lot of stress, even if it is meant with good intentions. So from now on, let's try to value collaboration over competition. I don't want to hustle anymore, I want to rest."
Similarly with patterns such as hyper-independence ("it's okay to sometimes be a burden, we don't have to do everything ourselves, and asking for help is not an inconvenience. Sometimes people want us to ask them for support"), with brushing heavy things away ("it's okay to talk about deep, heavy things and not always joke around and be positive. We can't cancel out certain emotions from our life, all emotions serve a purpose. Talking about things may cause conflict, but the solution isn't to brush it away, but to journey through the conflict together") and so on.
I'm sure there are more related things, but fin. for now~
jbbartram-illu
pixelskylines
jacobvanloon
turnnoffyourmind
blakekathryn
