hiiiii

& I don’t normally feel like this anymore. I’ve been a lot happier just being myself. I stopped being consumed with other people’s perception of me which fueled a lot of my depression and anxiety but like.. seeing someone’s texts about me to someone else at an event I was excited to be at and hang out with her at really bummed me out. Especially since she was probably so late to it because her and my other coworker didn’t wanna deal with me for too long I guess. And I can’t bring this up to her and how I feel because she’ll dismiss it which is obvs not friend behavior. I have to take all of her feelings at all times and all of her past traumas into account but if I’m bothered it doesn’t matter. I wasn’t supposed to see the texts she flipped thru her messages after showing me smth on her phone so I was still looking.

I just feel like a kid again. Sad and alone. I have a wonderful partner and cool friends but this one bums me out. I thought we clicked. I stopped being me/too much at work afterwards and everyone immediately asked me if I’m okay and if something happened. Except her lol. Which is kinda funny i guess. It’s also kinda funny that the kitchen is completely silent. Like little convos will start but die pretty fast, not natural conclusions kinda thing. Since I’m not talking. It could be that I’m making it awkward. But I’m being normal? I just stopped making stupid jokes and continuing convos and turning them into new ones and stuff. And I tried making a joke but I got told that if I say shit like that if the wrong person hears I can get in trouble. (I said restaurants that don’t auto gratuity tables, specifically over 10 ppl, think they’re too fancy for that but actually fancy places auto gratuity bc even rich people skimp.) idk.