phyrexian_mama

someone tells me they're an empath and I grab both sides of their head before frying their brain with my dark empathy electromagnetic waves

next time you’re at the thrift store and find a nice solid thick pile area rug for a shockingly good price and you’ve been looking for an area rug for the office forever and the color goes really nicely with the office color scheme and you think this is it, this is what i’ve been waiting for, stop, and ask yourself: did i take the bus here?

next time you’re on the bus and see someone with an area rug and a look of deep disappointment in themself mind your own business

putting ketchup on fries is too permanent for me … i have to dip . i control the sauce

im completely addicted to Open Link in New Tab

if Open Link in New Tab is wrong then baby i dont want to be right

poking at Ur hand with my nose to get you to pet me

you're going to try and bite it aren't you?

im not gonna lie i will straight up be biting it yes

Sober as fuck at the back of the club going onto Wikipedia and typing "List of birds"

IVE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH MY FRIEND FOR LIKE A YEAR NOW AND IT TURNS OUT WE KNEW EACH OTHER AND WERE FRIENDS WITH EACH OTHER PRETRANSITION

we we’re talking about how we had a mutual friend and how that was so wild and then they mentioned another friend i knew and i was like “yeah i played soccer with them both in the park” and my friend was like “wait does your deadname start with a C” and it turns out she was also there and we just had no idea who each other was this entire time till now

This is fucking wild

This is half a plot for a modern Shakespearean comedy of errors.

Romcom where two people meet cute and bond over how awful their exes were and plan elaborate revenge schemes but it turns out they both transitioned and are helping to plan revenge plots against themselves