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The problem with having a child with an attorney that has spoken to the child like an adult since birth is that she's 4 years old and she's negotiating the order in which we're going to complete tasks as a family to best suit her idea of an ideal day.
The great thing about being beholden to Penny the Deals Warlock is that she is also beholden to the art of the deal
Me: (watching Penny scoot her step stool over to where we keep the candy jar): hey honey we're literally walking out the door to go get dinner, maybe we wait on the candy okay?
Penny: Oh but I will have some candy?
Me: Why don't you come have some mac and cheese and then when we get home you can have some candy, deal?
Penny: (running out the door) oh, yes this is deals!
We are visiting my family and Papa has quickly had to pay patronage to Penny the Deals Warlock
Papa: (yesterday morning, when Penny was a little grumpy) What about you come downstairs and we'll have some waffles and then tomorrow Papa will take you to the Diner in town for breakfast?
Penny: (extending her tiny hand to a VERY confused man) this is deal?
Penny has a canker sore to end all canker sores, to the point where she hasn't been able to eat so we had to make some deals surrounding getting some medicine on it because a hungry Penny Rose is like a angry demon queen
Me: Okay baby this is going to suck. This is going to hurt real bad for a second and then it's going to feel weird and then it's going to feel good. You're going to hate it. But if you let Mama get these three medicines in and on you [Listerine, Antacid, Tylenol] you can scream it out and then we'll go get some ice cream! Deal?
Penny: (obviously not thrilled with this idea) okay, three big shreams, three medicines, ice cream ... it will suck... ice cream ... deal. (Sticks out hand and we shake on it)
Me: okay let's do this I'm so sorry (starts the process)
Penny: ( In between her big screams ) IM GONNA GET LOTS OF FRINKLES
My husband is trying to make a deal with Penny to get upstairs and get in the bath tub
Penny: I will go upstairs and get my body clean but you hafta titch me, deal?
Dada: I would love to make this deal with you kid but I literally have no idea what you are saying- I don't know what the terms are, you're speaking a language I don't speak
Penny: you have to titch me like mama does okay DEAL!? (Sticks tiny hand out aggressively)
Dada: (looks at me bewildered for help)
Me: ( starts making a quick tick tick tick sound imitating a stop watch like I'm timing her, while penny jumps around yelling YES TITCH ME LIKE THAT)
Dada: In what world was I ever going to figure that out, thank you for acting as our legal interpreter yes deal let's go!
Penny does not want to go to bed, but man is it time for her to go to bed
Penny: But I don't want to be sleeping, I want to stay up now! I want to see Grampy and Cozy and Guppie and Papa!
Mama: What if we video call all the grands and say good night to everyone? If we do that will you then go to bed no fussing?
Penny: Oh yes, this is deals! -sticks her hand out to shake-
** we make the rounds and video call all her grandparents, they are all already in bed and say good night and penny hangs up the last video call and toddles into bed with minimal fussing **
Penny : (after a few minutes of silence, over the video monitor, to herself in her dark bedroom) I hafta respect da deals.
Every morning Penny wakes up, and she asks if we have decorated her house with "Halloween every where" and every morning I have had to tell her not yet baby but soon. This last morning Penny had to go to pre k a little earlier then she is used to cause Daddy had court and I had a dentist appointment, which made her a little bummed out... or so I thought
Me: Hey baby do you want to make a deal about school?
Penny: (immediately sticks out her hand, literally no hesitation, her entire demeanor changing in an instant) yes let's deals, I will be big and brave and go to school no fussing, and you will put Halloween every where all over my house, okay this is deals Mama??
Penny: (is doing some strange interpretive dance to let us know she's not a fan of the cup we've chosen to put her juice in, mind you this is the only clean cup at this moment. She is hopping up and down, and swinging her arm like an elephant trunk, she is pirouetting, her hands are on her hips. Shes is completely silent)
Husband: (exasperated) okay but DID you make a deal with SOMETHING while you were pregnant ? It's the only explanation I can come up with.
sometimes people will ask me if penny is still making deals and here is an update for you to let you know:
Husband: okay, you can not leave your room until someone comes and gets you okay? You're getting up way too early and we're guests in Papa and Guppies house so you stay and play in your room and someone will come get you when you can come out of your room tomorrow morning, deal?
Penny: (hand extended, plotting) deal
-smash cut to the next morning, penny is NOT in her room at the allotted 7:30 AM retrieve Penny Rose Time, we find her in bed cuddled up with my mom and dad watching a movie-
Penny: (hands out in a "calm down" gesture) LISTEN LISTEN I DIDNT LEAVE! I DIDNT- I didn't break da deals! I just knocked on the door until Papa came and got me.
Papa: (laughing hysterically) WELL DONT SNITCH!
Penny: I DIDNT DO NOTHING I KEPT MY DEALS! YOU JUS SAID SOMEONE HAD TO COME GET ME! PAPA COME GET ME!
(so we have to be insanely detailed in our deals because she did knock on her bed room door and yell PAPA! PAPA! PAPA! At 4:30 in the morning until my dad came and got her and you know what that's on us 🤣)
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i spent $32 on this fucking bowl at the moma and at first i felt bad buying it bc it was so expensive but ive had a terrible day today and every time i look at my lil bowl im like :o) you know what. i can get through anything with this bowl by my side
I don’t know how long I’ve been here. Time seems to pass differently. But the place is cozy and private so I have no complaints. And whenever I’m hungry, I go outside with my bowl and walk down the hill to the shore. Sometimes the lake is made of soup. Sometimes it’s huge pasta noodles the size of barges. Sometimes it’s breakfast cereal. Sometimes it’s dumplings the size of great whales. I dip my little bowl and take a portion and carry it back up to the house.
Today I found a new bowl! In its center is a little hill with a little house. I will carry it down to the shore and fill it up, and whomever lives in that little house can have a tiny portion of my meal. I hope they have a nice bowl to put it in..
One of the best ones I saw was a thing noting that every single one of the few survivors of suicide jumps off of the Golden Gate Bridge realized, on the way down, that the problems they were killing themselves over actually were fixable or could be worked through...except for the now - extremely unfixable - problem of gravity.
Went to the Holocaust Museum in DC once. There was a video interview of an Auschwitz survivor who said he and some other prisoners stayed up all night with a man who wanted to kill himself. The man didn’t kill himself and survived to liberation.
In the video the survivor said “Never seek a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And they’re all temporary problems.”
Hearing that from a guy who survived the Holocaust rewired my brain a little bit.
I think something a lot of people don't understand is that depression is not suicidality, and suicidality is not depression.
People can, and are, depressed without being suicidal, and sometimes suicidality peaks as people are emerging from depression.
Suicidality is a wave, and the trick is to allow that wave to crest and subside WITHOUT acting on it.
Whatever it takes to ride it out. For some people that's distraction, like watching television. For others it's calling a friend -- not to talk about the suicidality, but just to talk. For others it could be as simple as going to sit in a coffee shop or library, because the presence of other people is a huge diminisher of suicide risk.
That's what suicide safety planning is about. It's like having any other type of emergency plan, like a plan for fire or evacuation. It's making a plan when you are in the frame of mind to do so, so that you can just DO the plan without having to think about it when the occasion arises.
When you're in the midst of suicidal ideation, or even intent, you're not in a problem-solving mood. So knowing past!you, with the help of a therapist hopefully, came up with the plan and all you have to do is follow up until the wave crests and subsides, is what allows you to see another day.
ETA: Here's a link to a safety plan. https://www.samhsa.gov/sites/default/files/988-safety-plan.pdf
One of the main things that's carried me is a quote from Animorph's The Andelite Chronicles:
"And then it came to me, in a moment of clarity: I had no choice. When Arbron had been in utter despair and had wanted to die, I stopped him. Because without life there is no despair, but without life there can also never be hope."
In the 1950s, my grampa chose not to die by suicide because he was reading Lord of the Rings and had only gotten through The Two Towers (ROTK wasn't out yet), and he "wanted to see how it all turned out." He ended up getting caught up in other things, and never did read it.
He learned the ending in the early 2000s, with me, long after he'd stopped reading fantasy, because I heard this story and got to tell him it'd actually just come out...on DVD.
Fifty years after it saved his life, he found out how it all turned out.
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Thought this was based as fuck for like 1.5 second until I realized it was meant in the sense of "two planes wasn't enough to stop big boy america is that all you got? 😈😈😈" and not in the sense of "the U.S.A. deserves a million more 9/11s"
WARNING! THERE WILL BE HEAVY SPOILERS FOR OUTER WILDS. Go play it NOW!!!
(Posted before by my now deactivated account, professional-nutria-enjoyer, now with a few changes because I became a better writer)
Can we talk about how balanced Outer Wilds is? Like, the first thing that comes to mind is obviously the black hole-white hole mechanic: the former attracts everything towards itself, a colorless pit where everything should fall into, cut short by the end of the loop. The white hole is instead the beginning of the cycle, a singularity that spits your conscious self out from the other side of death, a dot with all colours in it.
Then there's the hourglass twins, on one you must be patient and on the other you must hurry. On one side you wait for the sand to reveal the secrets beneath, on the other you may not even have enough time before it covers everything and crushes you between itself and Ember Twin's crust.
Then there's the Nomai and Owlks thing going on. While both lack real closure outside of the player's actions, the Nomai met their end through years and centuries of researches and died of something unrelated and violently abrupt. The Owlks, instead, even if blinded by fear and rage and guilt, were conscious in their choice of "end". Not to mention how each species communicates with the player: the Nomai utilize writing, something formal, something that is hard to misunderstand, a writing that forms around a spiral (something potentially infinite). The Owlks instead use art as a medium, slides that told the player of their civilization decadence. Slides of drawings framed in a circular shape (that couldn't be more limited).
Now, i find the parallel between the Prisoner and Solanum to be fascinating. Two different beings recluded in a giant jail, one by choice, the other by sentence. Both are more dead than alive, but while Solanum is the nearest anyone has ever got to the eye, the Prisoner is the farthest and furthest. Then the event that is you happened, brought grief to one and closure to the other. Not that it will matter in a few minute, no?
Finally, the realization of real death as you bring the core to Dark Bramble after myriads of loops spent toying with Her. All knowledge forgot in favour of primal survival, then optionless acceptance.
Outer wilds wouldn't be as loved as it is without these elements, it needs them to be completed, to have a meaning, to show how cosmic perfection is only achievable by following its rules; it needs the horror element to it's peaceful exploration one, it needs funky music to it's sealed screams, it needs light, it needs darkness, it needs explosions, it needs calmness, it needs water and deserts, it needs geysers and small wooden cottages, it needs blue, green, red, pink, beige, yellow and purple to it's black. And it has them! It's all there!
Outer wilds isn't just a game about how small we are, how our past will influence the future and the beautiful part of hopelessness. It's also a game about balance, how everything must have a counterpart, how we can't just live on one side of the coin. It's a game about cherishing the sad parts of life, the parts that want to make your legs give up and curl in on yourself. Even in real life nothing would exist if the balance between matter and anti-matter wasn't just right, it's a game about how an existence resting on one side of the plate isn't just impossible, but also empty.
two plus five is seven so I know the 7 in 27 is like a two and a five at the same time so we have 2 + 5 + 8 and buddy 8 + 2 is easy That’s 10 what’s 10 + 5 it’s 15 but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. 48 + 2 is 50 so that five left over from before makes it 55. now we have a 55 and a 20 and we can just ignore that five at the end of 55 for right now because that’s baby math; we already know 5 + 2 is 7 so 50 plus 20 is seventy. here you can do the 5 + 2 equation twice in the same problem to save on RAM. then we have the five from earlier so 70 + 5 is 75
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