Handmaiden? He was suspicious. I panicked.
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@permanately-confuzzled
Handmaiden? He was suspicious. I panicked.

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always a little funny to me when filmbros are vehemently anti fanfiction but love to discuss film theories. Maybe my theory is that the 2 main guys sucked each other off. And swallowed
finally some relatable content on ig
To go along with my whole take that the north star of Hollanov dynamics is that they find each other funny, some of my favorite Hollanov humorous sex moments from TLG, where they're able to have that kind of sex:
That last one in the trophy room is important because its a great contrast to after Vegas---they do a bit of a scene and instead of both feeling like shit afterwards they're laughing and joking around.

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Heated Rivalry fic recs - Ilya is outed while in Russia
i really hope you're gonna get out soon by taywrites11 Rated M, 24,969 words
Sochi Olympics, 2014.
"MASSIVE ICLOUD HACK REVEALS PRIVATE PHOTOS, MESSAGES, VIDEOS OF HUNDREDS OF OLYMPIC ATHLETES"
Ilya feels a trickle of unease down his spine. He shakes it off impatiently as he clicks on the article.
Cliff's Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week (Is Probably Going Better Than Ilya's) by petroltogo Rated T, 30,693 words
It figures that even half-way across the world Ilya's dick manages to ruin Cliff's day. The real surprise is that it isn't the only dick involved in this mess.
Featuring an ill-timed outing, a supportive but clueless team trying its best, panicking over Russia's LGBTQ laws, too many group chats, an unhinged 3am brainstorming session on how to get your captain a new citizenship (asking for a friend) and Roz' inability to answer his fucking phone.
Or: Ilya disappears in Sochi. Half-way across the world his team does its best to help. Their best is more than anyone could have foreseen.
---
and Shane is outed while Ilya is in Russia
something you can fix by some1_around Rated M, 26,824 words
Maybe if the video ended there, Shane thought, it would be okay. Okayish. Still incriminating. Still a fucking disaster. Still embarrassing, to have his breakup with this beautiful actress filmed and disseminated on Reddit of all fucking places, but not a nail in his coffin, burying him alive. But the video didnât end there.
âCan I ask if youâve ever been with another guy?â she had to ask.
And he, tears visible in his eyes, had to nod.
Just once. Just a single nod.
Why did he have to nod?
âHave you ever told anyone that before?â He shook his head. âWas it different? With a guy?â
âOf course.â
Of course.
âWas it better?â
âYes.â
+++
Shaneâs conversation with Rose is secretly recorded. Months later, after the All-Star game and Ilyaâs confession in Russian, the video gets leaked online. Shane is outed to the world while Ilya is in Russia, and must now finish the 2016-2017 season with the entire world in on his secret.

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the best fanfiction you've ever read was written by a woman in her 40s before she made dinner for her kids. it was written by a teenager after school when they should've been studying for a history test. and a barista came up with the idea while they cleaned the espresso machine and busser fact-checked it on their break and the post-doc edited between writing grant proposals and the nurse apologized for typos in the notes after a long shift and behind every drabble and one-shot and multi-chapter fic there is a person with a wonderful and interesting and chaotic life and it is such a privilege that we get to be a part of it because they decided to do this thing we all share, for fun.
Assorted free-range headcanons about Hollanov at 45-55 years old:
Shane starts getting grays at 35, so by 45 he is a salt-and-pepper kING. It makes for a distinguished photograph on his memoir. He has a ghostwriter, obviously, how do you expect him to just sit and write all day? He writes the chapter about his and Ilya's rivalry though, only at the end of the chapter is he like "And we were married in the summer of 2021 with a honeymoon in Spain. He's the best person I know." after just a dry comparison of all their stats Pre-Centaurs.
One child. Boychild. Shane's genes and a Russian name. Conceived via surrogacy after Ilya retires first due to busted ass knee syndrome. Child enjoys hockey. Not great at it. Looooves playing the oboe in school band. Shane checks it out and AS IT TURNS OUT the oboe is a difficult, competitive instrument. They proceed with characteristic intensity, as if this was athletics. Son, you're gonna win at the oboe.
Ilya needs glasses. He just steals Shane's off his face and it's a whole ritual that ends in them kissing. Boychild is mortified every time they're trying to read a take-out menu.
Shane gets into hockey commentary/podcasting and is notoriously. Um. Not Nice. A lot of "What?? What did I say??" It's never personal though. Just about players' shitty game.
Ilya is Big. Chunky. He's glorious. Muscle that now has fat over it. Arms like tree trunks. Torso: round. 100% Naturalized Canadian Citizen Beef. Hair, everywhere. Shane must BITE to check it all out and make sure everything is in order.
Shane gets really into individual athletics- rock climbing, marathons before he also gets busted ass knee syndrome, biking, swimming, anything where it's like testing the limits of his body against himself. Ilya is like a "fifty push-ups every day keeps me in shape enough to fuck you right" kind of guy, but he joins in sometimes just to make Shane get furious with competition
New rookie/juniors player billeting every year once boychild goes to music conservatory so they build a whole separate wing for the youngsters so it doesn't interfere with empty-nest fucking
Once they hit 50 they do get up stupid early like old men do and have old man coffee shop time with David Hollander (professional boring old man) at their favorite diner. Shane really cherishes this time with his dad and makes it a point to do it as often as they can. Conversely, they build Yuna a mother in law house when David passes away (death comes for us all) and she becomes crazy hockey mom to all their rookies.
Add your ownnnnn
they just donât do any classic homophobic children moments like this anymoreÂ
There was really no winning that one
i know in canon that shane's glasses are only for reading so he doesn't need them all the time, but needs glasses and usually wears contacts shane is dear to me on two fronts:
extremely endearing to imagine how ilya feels on evenings when shane has taken his contacts out and put on glasses because the air was dry or one was bothering him, and now ilya gets to see a visual representation of being the only person who gets to see Real Shane.
extremely sweet for shane who got bullied for his glasses in school who now has someone who fucking LOVES his glasses. (and loves fucking him IN his glasses who said that).
extremely funny to imagine the plight of "we stripped each other on the way to the bedroom, but now where the FUCK are my glasses" when ilya has already fallen asleep but shane wanted water and also to know where the fuck they went, and now man is just stuck roomba-ing across the living room squinting as hard as he can and cursing the HELL out of the pattern on the rug that looks VERY "here's your glasses" when one is not wearing!! their fucking!! glasses!!! WHERE ARE THEY.

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absolutely delighted by the fact that yuna also wears glasses to read which means shane probably got it from his mom.
and am also currently imagining ilya ALSO being delighted to see both of them in their glasses.
it's like christmas morning or something and they're reading tags on presents and everyone is still in pajamas and just looking very soft and shane and yuna are both wearing their glasses to read tags and instructions on things and ilya is just like. internally vibrating with joy. because neither shane nor yuna EVER wears their glasses around other people, so ilya is very aware of being a very special audience of both of them.