Hey y'all! It's been a hot ass minute since the last time I was on here. I don't really have an explanation (not that anyone cares anyway) other than just pure laziness, but I'm here now. And I had an idea for a fanfic/headcanon/imagine whatever that I wanted to write in which Ponyboy keeps a diary and basically confesses his love for Johnny (yes, I ship Johnnyboy more than Jally, sorry). Hopefully it doesn't suck ass too much. Enjoy!
TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of religion, implied religious gaslighting, and strong language
I don't know what the hell's wrong with me lately. Johnny's been my best buddy for as long as I can remember, we've been through so much together and we're as close as brothers. But for whatever reason I get this real funny feeling in my chest and in the pit of my stomach when I see him. It's a weird feeling, it's almost like being on a roller coaster. You know, where you're riding up, up, up, and your heart is racing and you get all sweaty and nervous, and finally when the big drop happens you stomach feels like it's gonna jump out of your body. That's exactly how I feel whenever I'm around Johnny; when I hear his laugh or look into his eyes. Sometimes, when the wind blows his hair just right, I get the urge to just tuck it behind his ear. And whenever Dally's around and Johnny's hanging around him, I almost feel...jealous. Like I wanna go over and rip his head right off of his damn neck.
I don't even hate Dally. He's not my favorite person, but I certainly don't have anything against him neither. But I get this real lousy feeling when Johnny's with him and they're goofing around and laughing and having a good time, it make me sort of wish I was the one doing all that with him. Like, for once I wanna be the reason why he's happy, you know?
I can't even explain it. Does this mean I have feelings for Johnny? Does this mean I'm...gay? There's no way. I can't be like this. The Bible says being gay is a sin and that gay people go straight to Hell. I don't wanna go to Hell, I don't wanna be like this. But dammit I can't help it either. Every time I see Johnny I just wanna grab him and kiss his lips and run my fingers through that long, dark greasy hair of his and show him what it feels like to be loved.
Wait...did I just write that? Is this what I'm feeling? Am I in love with Johnny Cade? I think I am. Is it wrong to be in love with another boy? I don't know. It feels so wrong, but so fucking right at the same time.
I really wish I could talk to someone about the way I feel. I definitely can't talk to Darry or Two Bit or Steve about this. They'd beat the tar out of me for sure. Hell, I don't even think I can talk to Soda. I know he'd still love me no matter what, but I think it'd just make him feel weird. Most of all, I wish I could tell Johnny how I feel about him, but I think I'd scare him half to death and that hurts just thinking about it. I'd rather have Johnny just as a friend than not have him at all.
Maybe someday I'll tell him, but definitely not now. I think for now I just need to go read a book or something and get my mind off of him. But it seems like the more I try to not think about him, the more I do think about him. I wish I knew what to do...
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