owl pudding

The following was written by Dom and presented to Chris upon the 18th anniversary of his birth, to much raucous laughter!

  ALASTAIR AND JITTERSKULL - THE ONCE FOND TRUMPET OF YONDER CASTLE WOLFENSTEIN

*This stupid and absolutely pointless episode is never allowed to be aired anywhere, or else!

The apartment is full of excitement as both Alastair and Skully are rushing about trying to finish their presents for a certain Chris. Skully is currently boiling a lock of Herman Li’s hair in a wok whilst playing the 1812 overture on a kazoo and throwing a variety of peapods at Alastair. Alastair on the other hand had thought very long and hard into his present as he had been working on it for 10 minutes (10 minutes longer than Skully), the construction of a bucket was underway.

Alastair: OI YOU!

Skully: Why do you have to talk to me in that tone of voice Alastair, I haven’t done anything to you…

Flashback to all the horrible shenanigans Skully has done.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Alastair shudders and gurgles as he is reminded about the horrendous past.

Alastair: Ok look I’m sorry for being so cruel to yo..

Before Alastair can finish his sentence Skully comes over and consumes the bucket, puts his kazoo in Alastair’s ear and finally pours the boiling water within the wok onto Alastair’s right foot.

Alastair: I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING YOU CRETIN!

Alastair then falls over.

Skully: OOOOOOOH Alastair…what happened to you bucket?

Skully shuffles away from the furious Alastair.

Alastair: YOUR GOING TO HELP ME GET A NEW PRESENT YOU CRAZY PILE OF BONES!

Skully: Fine, but I get to choose the music  for our expedition!

Skully hits the juke box in the apartment and the beautiful music of Rick Astley’s ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ plays away as Alastair and Skully head to the Hobo market.

Alastair: Why do we always have to come here, it always smells of rotten crust.

Jasper in the background spots some moon pie from a stall made from card board boxes and used toilet paper.

Jasper: Moon pie…what a time to be alive.

Skully: This chap looks like he could help us!

Skully points out a hobo wearing nothing but a top hat.

Alastair: Errr nope, I really don’t want to be within 1cm of him!

Skully then pushes Alastair into the Hobo. Alastair starts to sweat with fear as the hobo stares at him with his glass eyes, all three of them…I forgot to mention that?

Alastair: D..d…do you happen to sell anything worthy of being a present for a friend?

Hobo: (After drinking a copious amount of scrumpy) Yer arses ass and I’m the grass man, punk yeah ya havin’ heathen!

The Hobo points at a pile of black scrunge on the floor next to a toe nail.

A man crawls out of a nearby cave.

Cave Man: I just want to say guys, I LOVE SCRUNGE.

The man then crawls back into the cave in search of moles.

Skully: WE’LL TAKE IT!

The Hobo demands either all of Alastair’s possessions or his soul for the fine looking black scrunge. To which Skully does the right thing and barters for the black scrunge with Alastair’s soul.

Alastair: Skully you revolting and putrid being, that’s the 27th person you have sold my soul you ungrateful potato head!

Skully: Look on the bright side, we get so many cool things for re-using your soul over and over again!

Skully for the 28th time sells Alastair’s soul to the Earl of Dorchester for an old and decrepit wheelbarrow to place the scrunge in.

Earl of Dorchester: Did you know I’m your local MEP? (looking smug)

The writer then takes some of his own time to check the facts and William Legge seems to be the 10th earl, but not of Dorchester…of Dartmouth!

A local Irish drunk walks away in shame.

Alastair: YOU SMELL LIKE EARL GREY NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY!

Skully: Quickly, the party is just about to commence!

Skully then lassos a passing ostrich and both Skully and Alastair start to ride it to Chris’s house.

Alastair: Look at the sky! Is it a bird?

Skully: Is it a plane?

Crone (riding a broom): IT BE ME!

Alastair: Follow that Crone! It’s surely heading to the party as well!

Alastair, Skully and the Crone reach Chris’s house. The ostrich goes off and pecks moleman in the eye which then sends him tumbling down a hill into a pit of cacti, sharp rocks and combustible lemons.

Barney: Meow.

Alastair, Skully and the Crone then venture forth to the door of Chris’s house. They then hear ‘A 2 RECORD SET!’ being shouted by Chris. Skully then knocks down the door.

Alastair: Surprise! We all came at the exact time, date and year you wanted us to be here!

Skully starts to mingle with Barney and a Bearded Figure. More guests start to arrive at the establishment.

Crone: Here be a delightful treat I cooked up!

A copy of Gok Wan’s new book ‘Gok Wan was around here somewhere!’ was given to Chris.

Narrator (Morgan Freeman): I’d read it.

Chris: Thanks ol’ Crone!

Alastair then hands Chris both his and Skully’s presents.

Chris: I ALWAYS WANTED SCRUNGE…ACTUAL REAL LIFE SCRUNGE ! Oh and Herman Li’s hair is pretty darn amazing as well.

Alastair: Excuse me Chris, but who is that Bearded Figure over there talking to Skully?

Chris: I have no idea.

Narrator (Morgan Freeman): The evening turned to night, the night turned to evening, and the party went on and on and on and on…

'Don't Stop Believing' by Journey started playing as the party still goes on in the background.

THE END 

So there hasn't been an update for a while. I've been busy and as you know living with a giant skull is exhausting and leads to lack of sleep. One day it got so bad I tried to sleep on Mount Groom's balcony, that did not go well but that is a story for another day. Now rent time of the month is pretty stressful as the residents of the entire apartment building we live in go a bit crazy. The owner No Limbs McGee acts like he's been blended by everyone and goes on a dictatorial shouting spree. The secret of dealing with him though is just to shout something about limbs at him and he'll gloop away crying. I think one month Skully  flushed him down a toilet and then fed him to hobo's as part of a soup. Since No Limbs McGee is such a wet blanket he never pressed charges, either that or now Lawyer believed him. Anyway we have some colourful characters in the apartment building. For example Billy Grundell is one of the strangest. He's a relatively shady character that lives on the 4th floor he's a bit dopey but no one seems to mind. His girlfriend is one strange ass person I mean to begin with her name is Stanley Stabberdog which is bizarre to begin with. I thought it was just strange name from East Naura or something. But not she actually stabs dogs. The RSPCA have come around numerous times to ask questions to which she generally responds with "ITZ IN TEH NAME DEAL WIT IT MAN".

I wouldn't have to know these people but Skully invites them round to play poker every god damn week. It looks like the bloody Adams family is around. Skully is a bit of sore losers as people know so he has a habit of either bringing along dog corpses, eating the chips or betting on their domestic tussles of bread.

Stay Sane

It's been too long since I've updated this thing but my life has been so busy lately what with all of the lawsuits and games of cribbage but I digress. I'd like to apologise for the long absence, firstly I'd like to apologise to all the fans out there that like to know what goes on in my life. Secondly I would like to apologise to the International Whaling Organisation for Decrepit  Taods who have been very supportive and relied on the funs raised by this blog. Thirdly I'd like to apologise to all the people with skulls as I am indeed bring back this blog to talk about my life living with an evil ugly skull who eats children and rumored to stroke puppies on the Sabbath.

Anyway, let's get to what happened since the last blog post. After Skully lost that snooker match to Newt he became a famous icon travelling the world and going on the those talkshows for Z-list celebrities (you know the REALLY crappy ones). It was all going well until he got into a knife fight with some famous dictator's leading to him being captured investigated and promptly let free because of how annoying he was. This lead to Skully spiraling to a deep depression because he infact not own a microwave. He soon then blew all his money on the aptly named "Crone Soup for the Fleshless". This led to him being out on the streets and guess what? He ended moving back in with me.

WE ARE GOING THERE

SO THERE WILL EITHER BE LOTS MORE OR LOTS LESS STUFF ON HERE FROM NOW ON

MY MONEY IS ON THE LATTER

I've just found time to write this post, because let's face it after an Olympic Opening Ceremony like the one we experienced last night we all need time to digest. I watched it unfold with Skully from stands as he prepared to duel Newt Gingrich in a game of snooker.

Newt Gingrich had been spending his day preparing for the fight by visiting zoo's in London showing his well known love of animals. Skully however prepared by going to local orphanages and eating all the children playing snooker, he proceed to shout level up after every child that was eaten. I was just happy to be in the flat alone for the day and be away from Skully harassing me.

Fastforward to the end of the event and after the flame had been lit, preparation for the snooker showdown took place, with a snooker table rising from the centre of the stadium with Morgan Freeman taking his spot in the referee's position. Usain Bolt was watching close by and openly said to people standing close that this was what he had really been waiting for. Skully and Newt came from opposing sides of the stadium and were handed their cue's by Usain who couldn't wait for the event to start.

While most snooker matches are played in near silence this was different, the London Symphony Orchestra were playing from the pulpit with amazing music fitting of this epic occasion. While Skully took an early lead he was soon pegged back by eagle eyed Newt, who soon was in ascendancy. At the half way point Newt was 6 - 4 up on Skully in a first to 8 match.

Skully went for a risky shot which ended up failing spectacularly badly so much so Boris Johnson was called to investigate. The shot had in fact knocked the ball over the table and ended up hitting the King of Bahrain. Morgan Freeman then disqualified Skully. Newt then did a lap of honour with Usain and Boris with an adoring crowd. What a day I wonder what on earth will happen next.

Stay Sane

Yeah since I've started this I've lost a prised teapot and are now on even worse terms with our landlord (No Limbs McGee). So I thought when I slipped out to one of Mitt Romney's (Republican Nominee to faceoff against President Barack Obama in an election in Novemeber) fundraiser's in London he's doing while he''s here. Skully found out and basically forced himself to come along.

I've decided to write an internet (daily, weekly, whenever I feel like it) blog to detail any interesting things that go on when living with Jitterskull.

Today I was innocently making a nice brew of tea and making myself some toast, when I was rudely interrupted by Skully who was trying to emulate his hero Bruce Skullsteen who plays the harmonica and guitar among other things. The thing is Skully can't play the harmonica. Quite frankly he is terrible at it so much so, some birds flew past the window and died because the noise was so bad. It was him playing the harmonica that broke the teapot, meaning my lovely brew was gone and so was our only way of making tea.

I got angry, shouted at him but that only caused him to play it even louder which caused the landlord (No Limbs Mcgee) who we aren't on good terms already, to come to the door and start shouting. Instead of apologising Skully decided to list 10 reasons why he was an ugly, horrible being, this caused him to cry profusely and gloop away once more.

So as you can see today has not been a good day, getting in trouble with a landlord and losing a teapot. I expect a letter from countless animal rights groups soon due to Skully's animal destruction through music. I'll be writing another post soon detailing the roller coaster that is my life at the moment.

Stay Sane

Series II Episode I : Murder at the Royal Horticultural Society Alastair and Jitterskull are enjoying a nice day out at the beach. Alastair is building a sandcastle; Skully is digging holes under people’s deckchairs.

Alastair: Come here, you great brute, it’s time for lunch! Skully jitters over

Alastair: I hope you packed the picnic… Alastair opens the picnic basket. Several small brown lizards scuttle out.

Alastair: You scabby horse, this is full of reptiles, you didn’t bring our lunch!

Skully (crunching the lizards): Yes I did, they’re perfectly edible. CANNED LAUGHTER

Just then an enormous tsunami hits the beach. People run screaming. Alastair tries to follow but falls into one of Skully’s deckchair-holes.

Skully (wearing a clam on his nose): What’choo doin’ in that hole, buddy?

Alastair (his underwear full of crabs): Get me out of here, you good-fer-nothing skull, or I’ll drown!

Skully: Drownin’ eh, sounds like a load of fun to me!

He sits back on the nearest deckchair

CANNED LAUGHTER Suddenly, a flying man appears and pulls Alastair free, just as the tsunami washes into the hole. He is wearing bright green spandex with an orange letter R on the front.

Alastair (hysterical): OH MY GOD WHAT ON EARTH… The Incredible Raymundo (smug): It was no problem, anything is easy for me… (strokes hair and winks to camera, sound of girls screaming off-screen)

Alastair (still hysterical): …YOU LET MY TRAINERS GET SLIGHTLY DAMP YOU SILLY CRONE, THEY COST ME TWENTY PENCE FROM PRIMARK, I’LL HAVE TO REPORT YOU TO THE UNITED NATIONS!

Raymundo: Well I think that’s a little unfair… Alastair headbutts Raymundo in the neck. He falls to the ground and knocks his head on a passing turtle, rendering him unconscious.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Meanwhile Skully bursts out of a nearby fish-and-chip shop, riding a tram.

Skully: Who’s that bloke?

Alastair: Some friendly local maniac.

Skully: He does look a bit suspicious, my mother said never to trust a man whose shorts were brighter than he was…

CANNED LAUGHTER

The ghost of Kim Jong-Il appears.

Kim: AVENGE MEEEEE! AVENGE MEEEEEE!

Alastair and Skully stare blankly

Kim Jong-Il: I’ve been having to spread my evil goodness through this wicked, tricksy, false skull, and even he can’t do it right, gobbling is too simple for a man of my stature!

Alastair looks suspiciously at Skully, who is whistling nonchalantly. In the background, a man called Roger is having a lightsaber fight with a walrus.

Skully gobbles Kim Jong-Il. CANNED LAUGHTER The beheaded corpse of Roger flies into the scene and smears down the camera. Skully and Alastair flee from an approaching horde of walruses.

Walrus: Now remember kids, mayonnaise is not an ingredient, it’s a pre-dinner snack, because IT’S GOOD FOR YOU! And don’t forget to vote for human enslavement, vote Nigel the Walrus for President 2012! CANNED LAUGHTER

Newt Gingrich is shown dangling upside down from a suspension bridge.

So yeah, we got bored one afternoon at college and decided to write one, because series 2 is still a week or so away yet. Also kudos go to Henry for writing the entire second essay of his General Studies exam in the context of Alastair and Jitterskull

Lol look at me, talking to the empty internets where nobody cares

AN ALASTAIR AND THE JITTERSKULL SPECIAL: Michael Parkinson’s Fiery Bagel of Certain Roasting

Written by Chris, Dom, Carlo and Will

It is mid-morning, and Skully is throwing the eye of a snake repeatedly at the ceiling out of boredom. Alastair is making a pot of highly suspicious-looking soup.

Alastair: Oh Skuuuuuuuully! Come and have a nice bowl of sour broth from your Uncle Al. It’s sugar-free….

Skully (inexplicably gangsta): Yo blud, can’t you see I iz busy? These snakes ent gonna throw demselves ya no!

Alastair pulls out a frying pan and chases Moleman around the apartment for several minutes before throwing the broth at Skully in disgust.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Moleman: Can I have a little broth please?

CANNED LAUGHTER

Enter Michael Parkison, on a unicycle smothered in butter.

Michael: Y’know, this is the first time a title’s been even slightly relevant!

Outside, James Caan the street vendor can be seen handing a sack marked ‘BABIES’ to Robert Mugabe. Moleman suddenly turns into a raisin.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Kim Jong-Un enters in a police uniform. He shouts in Swahili at James Caan for his baby-dealing antics, then proceeds to chase him to the sound of ‘Dancing Queen’.

Skully (his nose now four feet long): That’s a nice unicycle you have there Michael, can I trade you Alastair’s soul for it?

Alastair makes some odd grunting noises, which are completely ignored. Michael Parkinson picks up a Banjo and begins to play a Disney medley as Skully pulls out a contract, issuing the deed to Alastair’s soul.

Michael: You got a friend in me…

CANNED LAUGHTER

There is a huge crash and Alastair is suddenly hidden below a pile of stuffed possums.

Alastair: Oh help me, I think they’re biting!

CANNED LAUGHTER

Morgan Freeman runs in dressed in a boiler suit, and the stampede of pygmy chickens that follow him sweeps away all but Alastair, Skully and a solitary possum.

Morgan: Where’d Michael go? Ah, it don’t matter, at least we’ve got this friendly lil possum to keep us company!

The Pope lowers slowly on wires through a hole in the ceiling. They snap and he falls, lying motionless on the floor unnoticed by anyone else for the remainder of the scene.

Alastair: Would you like some broth, Morgan? Morgan: No thank you, I’m watching my weight. (Winks to camera)

CANNED LAUGHTER

The camera zooms out as all the characters are grinning broadly into it. Behind, a glorious sunset can be seen out the window. The Pope’s feet twitch but then he is still. Out of nowhere, a pigeon flies into the camera, knocking it over.

An Alastair and Jitterskull Movie: The Alternative Patch of Heaven from Which Countless Blades of Grass Have Yet To Be Picked

Written by our new writing talent, Dom!

It’s a sunny day in the land of all things grey, and the apartment seems to have come alive with the sound of Beethoven’s latest symphony playing in the background. Alastair is currently practicing yoga and Skully seems to be storing a pancreas he found when hunting for Goklings the other day in the fridge. The smell however is bothering Alastair.

Alastair: OI...What do you think you’re doing with that!

Skully shuffles over to Alastair’s yoga mat and then consumes it. 

Skully: This doesn’t taste anything like that submarine I had acquired from my good friend Mr Snrub.

Smither’s enters the apartment and starts to make coffee.

CANNED CONFUSION

Alastair: You crusty crone of a cretin! That was my last yoga mat!

Skully ignores Alastair and starts to kick a partridge into a pear tree

Alastair: THAT’S IT...I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHENANIGANS...IM LEAVING!

Alastair then cartwheels out of the apartment through the window and lands on a pile of rubber ducks coincidentally and runs off into the city.

Smithers then realises why he is actually in the apartment.

Smithers: I like the way Snru...

Before he could finish his statement Skully had already pushed him into a black hole that he had created just the other day by using one of the Queens tentacles and a hadron collider.

CANNED CONSPIRACY

Skully: I finally got rid of that pathetic use for a flat mate! I never noticed how normal it is in this apartment when Alastair’s not around… 10 minutes later...and Skully is holding a cup of homemade herbal buffalo ears whilst sat on Alastairs favourite armadillo flavoured stool.

Skully: Why don’t I do this more often, it’s so relaxing.

Moleman enters through a hole in the ceiling just big enough for him to get half way through and then gets stuck.

A sudden burst of light appears from the tub and from it raises another Skully.

Future Skully: Hello Skully, I am you in the future!

CANNED APPLAUSE

Future Skully: I am here to tell you that you have made a grave mistake, you must find your trusty peasant known as Alastair and get him to return to this apartment as soon as possible!

Skully: What will happen in the future to me if I leave him to perish?

Future Skully: If you don’t save him, then Gaben will release Episode 3. Without Alastair constantly pestering him about when it will come out, he will actually find the time to release it.

Skully: Never shall I allow this travesty!

As Future Skully dissolves back to his time period, Skully in the present then sets off to find Alastair before the next Steam sale. 

Cuts to Gaben eating mayonnaise next to a copy of Episode 3 for 5 minutes.

CANNED AMUSEMENT

Narrator (Morgan Freeman): Skully searched for 1 whole minute before finding Alastair being slowly digested by a venus fly trap.

Skully: I can’t take you anywhere can I...

Alastair: SAVE ME YOU ABSOLUTELY IDIOTIC BIG HEADED PILE OF TURNIPS!

Skully is roasting the Eiffel tower over the burning carnage from the path of destruction he had caused on his quest. By this time Alastair’s feet looked like hairy melted cucumbers. 

Skully: Oh yeah, I remember what I came here for.

Gollum had somehow entered the venus fly trap and is now eating Alastair’s finger. Skully uses Gok Wan attached to a nuclear warhead to then blow open the venus fly trap.

Alastair: Wow I actually survived something for once!

Gollum is dancing in the background.

Skully: We have bigger things to worry about now...look.

A hoard of naked women, Hobbits and Goklings start to attack the 3 Heroes in a desperate hope to seek revenge from the death of their beloved Gok.

Gollum: Stupid tricksy hobbits!

CANNED LAUGHTER

Credits Roll then roll to Skully, Alastair and Gollum engaging in a fierce battle to the death with the music of The Robert Mugabe Orchestra’s version of Don’t stop me now with lead vocals from the man himself, Mr Mugabe ft. Herman Li on Guitar.

The music fades away to a pianissimo style of playing.

Narrator (Morgan Freeman): And there goes the bravest and best friends I ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Silence is slowly followed and then it fades to black.