my ducks? in a row. the elephant? addressed. my goose? cooked. my eggs? in several baskets. the bigger fish? fried.

Your monkeys ?

those aren’t mine.

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I think that when you're overstimulated you should appear kind of grayed out and no one should be able to interact with you like a locked character in a video game

#that giraffe is being so cute and curious and gentle#and that is running full speed because this is the worst fucking day if his LIFE#like IMAGINE having your butt gently scooted by the snoot of a pressence so massive#your body is not designed to even see high enough to see the top of#abd hes just gently nudging you along as you run for your life as fast as your legs can carry you#giraffe is playing humans are enjoying turtle is living out a cosmic horror story

they should invent a secret second weekend so that you can see friends and do fun things while still having enough time to do errands and sleep in without dying of exhaustion all the time

my hips don't lie but they will exaggerate details, misrepresent the facts, and on occasion deceive via omission of crucial information

I can clearly remember the moment I first realised my mother and I were living on completely different planes of existence. I was 7 years old and I came home from my school's first track and field day having placed second or third in every event. the teachers had been making jokes all afternoon about how many times they had to call my name. my friends thought I was cool as shit. my enemies thought I was cool as shit too, come to think of it. I was proud as hell. so I get home with the entire front of my shirt covered in ribbons like I was a military dictator who'd awarded himself every medal, I walk into the kitchen and tell my mum all about my day, and she goes "oh, that must be disappointing not getting any firsts." and I'm like no?? first of all the first place ribbons are red and I don't like red. second of all look at me. there's literally nowhere left on my body for accolades. I am fucking Jacked of All Trades. how could this possibly be a disappointment.

first of all, who let me get so emotionally invested in a television show

genuinely i believe that zuckerberg needs to go to the hague for unleashing social media algorithms on society and thus shredding the fabric of reality