breathe

-I feel I've put a lot on Coleson to plan date nights, to still "chase" even though that maybe isn't fully wrong, but I want to make sure I'm taking ownership & responsibility. There was a podcast episode of "marriage lab" that I listened to earlier this last year that was about just doing & planning things that I wanted, without putting the full expectation on Coleson especially if he's not aware. Being more vocal & decisive. If I want something (to do something specific for date night, for intimacy etc) I want to be able to either just say it or to plan it. -I'd also like to step out of my comfort zone a bit more. Where I can, I'd like to step up in helping or involving myself in church activities. Coleson had said when he was over at the Wall's that they love boardgames & that they play volleyball/pickleball on sundays. Id like to join more of these & get to know those around us. Especially Rhonda down the road, I'd really like to connect with her, maybe even try to do something for Bree (her sister in law? having twins soon?)

-truly grow my confidence & self worth in God & how he sees me. I feel like I might have grown a bit in small areas but not as much as I'd like to have seen or feel this year. Definitely on for next years goals.

The fams are doing well. Work is going good. We just got back from our honeymoon in Curacao - I wrote all those updates in my journal app on my phone. That's kind of where I moved all these updates to. it was absolutely perfect to say the least. Everything about it, coleson was beyond incredible & so serving the whole time too so yeah, just literally the most blessed time. So so grateful. After he had said that he feels each year at the end of Harvest that we need to do something even if it's just a week away, time to reconnect before winter & the downtime. Work is going good, looks like were going to Florida mid January and going quarterly so next year is going to be crazy. We might also be moving into the parents house by february so well see. I hope to keep these updates going next year because it's going to be just... a lot but I want to remember it all. anyway, that was super short comparatively but honestly overall Im just really happy. My moody days have finally come down to like 3 or 4 days a month vs like 2 solid weeks at minimum, which obviously has a lot to do with Coleson & Is communication but that's just been beautiful to unfold. He's such an amazing man, honestly I'm just so blessed that God gave me him. Im looking forward to christmas this year, looking at some fun games we can do to make it memorable. Friday Kamber & Tyson are coming over again for games, Im surprising Amber with a best friend awkward photoshoot in two weeks (she quit her job & is currently in nicaragua on a yoga retreat!) Anyway, I want to get started on ambers wedding present so Im going to work on that now. Hopefully Ill post again soon.

I briefly skimmed part of the last post. Man has the last half of this year really just turn around & flourish. Praise God honestly. To super recap, Colesons golf tourney in cranbrook at the end of Aug was his last time having chew. The time between July & August definitely was rock bottom, he had scheduled an appt with a councilor which went well & worked on honesty. Since, he has been honest even when it's been hard & i've seen the immense growth & strength. That's just over 3 months quitting cold turkey. It's been overall pretty good since. I started going to a health clinic that does everything & started acupuncture to help my mood swings & cramps which has helped a lot. My birthday this year was really wonderful. Steven & amanda came out to visit that night. My mom had come out the weekend before & just really loved me (I wasn't sleeping much). Oh because we had Kambers dogs while they were in Bali. Harvest went pretty smooth this year, though longer than normal but our communication was pretty good. There were some days but that's normal & the week I was at Kambers dog sitting was pretty rough but Coleson had really turned around & acknowledged & apologized which showed a lot of character. We celebrated our one year anniversary! It was on a sunday (I think God purposefully actually made that happen this year so i wouldnt be so triggered) and we had a really lovely day, dinner at the water tower with no phones & watched a movie. It was really nice. My birthday (before that - im all over the place) was really lovely ^^ even though I just said that but im emphasizing because that's been such a massive trigger in my life so that was just... such a blessing. We got through the rest of October and harvest. It was extremely busy. Constant games nights with Kamber & Tyson (we finished our betrayal game!) and time with Kamber, and time with Amber. Continued the prayer nights which have been so good. Its amazing that it only started last year in the summer but we've all grown so much. Stacey bought a house, Amanda is currently on leave from work, Alyson & Adam had bought a house. It's been really special to have that group & to be able to lean in & for prayers. Amber & Naythan are getting married next year - did I even mention any of this? Im one of her maid of honor, dress shopping for her was really wonderful. Kamber asked me to be her maid of honor too which is awesome, we're dress shopping on the 27th this month. Got back in touch with Sasha which is nice.

Sasha also I feel like has barley been communicative unless Im the one texting, like back in December I had started the conversation before christmas cause she hadn't reached out in like two weeks & even then she barley asked me anything and I kept the conversation going through January. I tried to plan to see her, twice but her window on the one weekend was so small and then earlier that week said he bf wasn't coming, it's like she leaves the ball in my court, but in a way that like... makes it feel like she doesn't have to try? Idk, I just feel off. Amber & naythan, like I love them. But this past weekend they went out to Radium for the weekend, I tried not to pry by asking what they went for and they went to "play boardgames" in a cabin type weekend with the hot springs. It just frustrates the shit out of me that I keep asking them to come visit and I get pushed off & answered like "well theres nothing to do there, what would we even do?" it's like seriously? Sure you have hot springs in Radium but you book these "getaway" weekends where you just stay in and play games and hang out and how the fuck is that not the same thing as coming out here? other than you actually get to spend time with me? Idk, then my mom, like same thing, i've been inviting her to come out for WEEKS literally since christmas & i totally get you wanted to go spend it with aunt sissy, but youd rather drive 3 hours than 2.5 for me. She's going out to the mountains constantly during the week, every weekend of hers is booked up... & i keep saying like you do all this with your time off but youll be working soon and wont be able to come out during the week then, but then on the same page she's booking all her weekends in advance because "she doesn't know when she'll get a job and wont be able to go out during the week with her friends" Honestly I just feel sick. I am sick and fucking tired of trying to ask my family and my damn friends to come out, my mom came out in august, that's it. Ive been asking her since, she keeps saying "in the next month" but wont fucking commit. I invite steven & amanda, and yet the same thing, I understand they're busy, but it's like they CHOOSE to be busy with everything BUT booking time with me. Like no one is asking me if I can come out there to hang out, Im always the person saying hey I plan to come in are you around. Im always the person making the plans and asking, I try to book a damn games night weeks in advance but they're already booked 3 weeks out. Like Im seriously over it. Im tired of asking. I dont want to anymore. Im like actually ready to stop asking to hang out period. If you can't take the time to see me once every fucking 3-4 months and Im the one always asking when theyre free so I can come in, like Im just done. This is fucking hard. I get that I moved away and clearly I understand I had way to high of expectations even when I felt like its the bare fucking minimum, of friends putting in effort. I thought that I had built these relationships strong enough that everything wouldn't land on my shoulders but I feel that I'm wrong. I'm literally stuck in between trying to give my husband the space he needs so Im not needy & clingly all the fucking time, while trying to adapt to this new life, while trying to cling onto my friends and family ( again to give my husband space) but yet I get barley anything from them, leaving me feelings alone because I have no friends out here, D is busy enough, I literally just spend my time with colesons mom or parents, I love them, but that can't be my only outlet. I just wasn't prepared to be so damn independent out here.

Once again I am struggling. I'm feeling like the bad days have been outweighing the good these last two months and I keep getting in this cycle. It makes me mad when we just had a great weekend together too and I should feel like I've had enough time with Coleson since I've literally spent most of the weekend together. I am exhausted today. I am so tired of not sleeping. Friday night we went to bed closer to 4am and "slept in" till maybe 10, had a chill morning gaming together & watching survivor. Then I went into Lethbridge for some errands & a massage, came home and we did the same for the evening. Went to bed around 11:30 maybe? Or maybe it was then i couldn't sleep either, I think I didn't get to bed until 12:30am, woke up at 8 after tossing all night again. Went to the parents to chat about us leaving and watched Jack Hibbs together, got ready and went into lethbridge for an escape room and then went for chinese after. Again, spent most of the day together, I know coleson hit a wall and maybe I felt it too much and let it affect me. When we got home it was a weird limbo of being exhausted and being restless. We ended up playing some more It Takes Two which was fun, then again went a bit weird, maybe it was just me. Watched some survivor and then it was around 9/9:30 that he was going to game with the guys. The whole "im sorry we weren't intimate" talk again, I think as much as it's nice that it's acknowledged, I feel like when that's said, it's like a wall... like ok cool so ya we weren't intimate all day and then when you "realize" this, it's like you still don't want to, or don't want to make that change and instead it's just like a shut off for the rest of the night, so I just went to the room to read. Idk, it just puts me off, it makes me feel like great you're acknowledging it but closing the door at the same time... Of course I couldn't sleep again then. I shouldn't be mad because I did say everything was fine & he did come in and check a few times before gaming if he should come watch a show together (which I knew he hadn't had a chew all day so the wall would be up anyway) which I just didn't want to be around so I tried to shove it down again, which I feel like I was actually ok, I didn't spiral then, I just took it for what it was, but it was when he came to bed around 11:30 that he barley touched me & I didn't even notice him kissing me & it just went right to my head again, so I tossed & asked why/when he came to bed & it was the same "I didn't want to wake you", after I turned over he tried to cuddle up for a while but I was already in my head, which I know was wrong. I went sideways from there, not able to sleep so got magnesium and gaba again & stayed awake until after 1am before I moved to the couch because his snoring. I think I fell asleep just before 2am, was up at 3:30 and again at 5:30. Im exhausted. I know after festering last night and this morning, a lot of this just has been stemming from living out here and feeling like my friends and even family aren't putting much into visiting or chatting. Amanda has been barley responsive, I ended up cancelling going to prayer night because Alyson canceled and It was on a wednesday which was a brutally long day to drive out & back & i was mentally not there. Steven has also been barley responsive, tried talking about gaming which he wanted to and then I gave two days that week and he only responded the morning of the last day with "well have to plan a day". I get they're busy, it's just unfortunate.

-truly grow my confidence & self worth in God & how he sees me.

Need to dive deeper into the reasoning for believing the lies in my heads rather than accepting the truth in front of me. Ask God how he see's my dad, how he see's melissa and Travis. How does God see me now because of the things done to me in my past? Forgive them for teaching me how to be dishonest in a situation to keep the peace. What are the things that my relationship with dad has taught me? What was forced onto me that I've been carrying, that isn't mine to carry as a result of those interactions? I.E self doubt, muting and not having a voice. What got stolen from me? I.E freedom of speech, confidence

-I want to save more too this year. Also had a wedding last year so there wasn't too much saving, but I definitely have saved money by moving out here now. This ones been a little questionable. -I really need to find balance this year. I don’t want to be running on empty all the time. Last year was amazing & I have so many great memories & was out all the time but I really want balance this year. I want to spend more time with myself, like getting back into shadow work & reading or listening to meaningful podcasts again. As said above, this was not very good with balance. I did get a bunch of reading done though, I mean I did have some self care throughout but I feel like I was more on burnout than actual balance. -More things that make me happy. More mountain trips & hikes. More puzzles. More green thumb with plants. More drawing. More focus on my skin care. More cold showers. More time with Nova. Well... I spent time with nova haha but I didn't really do much of those, I did a bit of mountains last year, Jasper was really nice, but it was just too busy going back & forth from the farm that I didn't focus on these too much

-I want to focus more on the less people pleasing side. I feel I’ve done really good with this the past year, not necessarily “not caring what anyone thinks” but less concern for how people will see me & being able to say no to things & not be worried what that outcome is. I think I've done this more, or I feel like I have at least. I've definitely felt like I've grown more into myself & my confidence. I've lost it a few times & have spiraled, but I feel like I had some good times & some not so good. - Speaking on which above, I also want to be better at not allowing the absolute dog shit in my life. Not allowing people to treat me like an option, not chase connection, not force a friendship. I want to set healthy boundaries & really lean into my self worth this year. Not letting it waiver depending on who responds to me or how someone treats me. Amen to this hey, how sad is that that I had to write that as a goal for the year. I have definitely succeeded on this! I married a man who values & appreciates my worth continuously. My friends too, & even coleson's parents too have also just been so reassurring & loving. -I also want to stop the self punishing. I’ve been doing a lot better at this in the last several months. Not dwelling on the bad & negative, not allowing myself to sink into a hole of what a shit person I am etc. I’ve been better at redirecting my thoughts when they come to those & combating them with positives & truths but I do want to have a lot of growth in that. I feel like I'm good at this when things are good, especially when I'm able to crush those first starting feelings of negative thoughts. Sometimes I am good at it & Coleson has reassured me or I've been able to get out of it, but the last 3 months have been difficult, the last two months especially have been extremely hard & I have definitely spiraled & have completely drowned in negative thoughts, so that would be a good one for this year to really work on. -I want to establish a better lifestyle. More balance & healthier habits. While still not binging but allowing myself to not have such restrictions. I would like to get back into a workout routine & build my strength. I’m not unhappy with my body but I would like to feel better in it. I really need to get back into going to bed at a decent hour to get my full nights sleep & be waking up at a good early time to start my day. Building better routines for sure & not letting busy life destory healthy habits established. Can't say I have really done this last year, I feel like this is a good one for this year. Last year was just insane, I didn't take a step back in my busy life so when it was down to moving my whole life & then planning a wedding, my balance was out the window. I had no balance & I felt like I was running on fumes for a while. November was nice to get away but I wouldn't say there was a whole lot of balance, though there was some hikes & walks & self care but not as much as I would have liked.

-I would like to read at least 7 books on my TBR this year. Also would love to finish the 4 I started last year that aren’t done yet too (Ed’s book, Untamed, Highly Sensitive Person & Atlas of the Heart) Ok I didn't think I did but I finished 11 books last year which is awesome! I'm happy about that, though I did not finish any of the ones I had started. Maybe this year. -I want to do my solo trip this year. Doesn’t matter where, whether it just be across the province, a roadtrip in the US or even a solo flight somewhere. I did not do this, I had every intention of going to Portugal in Oct for my birthday but clearly my life changed and I didn't. Im not sure if I'll get the chance to do a solo trip still, maybe one day in the future but that's on the back burner, you know, cause I'm married now. -I want to further deepen my friendships. I know this is a given, but I’d also like to see myself adding another girl to my circle. I definitely would say that my friendships have deepened over the year which is beautiful and I'm very grateful. I think to adding another would be D, Kenzie, Alyson & Stacey which have been amazing additions to my life. -I would like to feel fully invested in a church. Not feel like I’m still iffy & testing it out but I want to plant myself in one, join some more groups within the community hopefully & attend some more church activites. Though I have no succeeded at this, because I moved away so I couldn't plant myself anywhere, Coleson & I have been trying to go to the Vauxhall church regularly. Still not fully plugged in though. - I want to better my relationship with God. I know I can just reflect on that in a year from now & see how much more trusting I am with Him, only time will tell but I want to be more invested in that. More trusting that His plan is greater & he’s going to take care of me. I loved this and I loved this last year with trusting God. As I read through my last year, it really was heart warming to myself to see how many of my posts I actually wrote more about my relationship with God & how blessed I am. I definitely feel that I have bettered my relationship & have seen God's hand in so many areas over the year. - I want to ask for help more. I realized that I still seclude myself a lot when I go through hard times, I don’t allow others to help or open up & I deal with things on my own. I started to in the later months especially when I had ended things with Zack, I did open up with Amber & Sasha more & even Shane so I want to continue to be able to ask for that help back. I want to say that I maybe have improved in this, but not to the fullness that I would like. I definitely got a lot of help through moving, planning a wedding, even wedding day. But I don't feel that I've improved very much in the general sense, maybe some with Coleson, like I have commented over the last few months that I've needed things more specifically but I know I could do better. -I want to compliment more strangers. I remember I went to the peter lougheed house with mom some weeks ago & our server had such a beautiful smile, I had told him at the end of the meal & he blushed & got flustered. This world is so cold and unfriendly. I want to compliment more people, more strangers. Whatever it might be, I want to be kinder. Softer. More compassionate. I want to say nice things & speak more kindness into the world. I loved reading back on this one but am sad that I don't feel like I've really done this too much. To be fair, I now live on a farm and don't see strangers often so I have to take that into account but I didn't do a lot of that before I moved unfortunately.

2. Realizing that we’re literally…. Barely 10 months into being together, 2 months actually living together…. So yeah, of course Kealon who’s been with his wife for like 14 years, & Dan or Jaden who’ve been with their wives for many years plus have even just known them for ages…. Like yah, I’m SURE when you ask me in even 5 years time that you wouldn’t even have to ask me if you can play vids because I’ll want that time alone. I barley know you, we haven’t even been together for a year, so yeah I feel like it’s not unreasonable that I don’t necessarily like when you play vids 3+ nights in a row or 5 days a week.

Body desires order and balance Soul desires satisfaction Spirit desires connection You can't have one without the other, they all work together and affect each other like a domino "It's not to take something away from you, but has an impact on us" It sooths the uncomfortable rather than dealing with it face on. Maybe God hasn't just cut the craving completely because He wants you to call on the Holy Spirit for strength and freedom. Maybe this is a way for you to be able to overcome this and face the struggle, by giving you the choice to over it come it rather than God just taking away the craving. Romans 8:5 - Apostle Paul talks about this- Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. If your mind is focused on your flesh desires, then you're desiring the dopamine hit, the craving, the instant satisfaction, but if you're living according to the spirit, then your mind is set on desiring connection. It's not wrong to be asking for habit to be stopped completely. When we say our vows, we're saying no to the billions of other people and saying yes to the one in front of you, this also includes saying no to "things" as well and sacrificing, especially if it is affecting your partner.

We went outside to take family photos which was a little hectic and all over but whatever happened it worked out. After that, we gathered the wedding party and drove over to a nice open park to take photos. The wind was up a bit so it was chilly, otherwise the weather was perfect. The fall colors were beautiful, Kenzie had to tend to baby lots so I felt bad she wasn't in all the photos but they went pretty well overall, got some really beautiful shots. I remember walking out there and having people stop us to say congrats and how beautiful we looked, it was then that I really felt like how i've always seen when others go out to get photos and you see the bride & groom walking, it was surreal to be in those shoes now at this time. As we were walking back a little girl said I looked like a princess which was really sweet. After this we drove back to the golf course and let everyone off til reception, we had about 45 minutes or an hour left. Brent, the restaurant host who was absolutely incredible, took us to hole 16? 17? on the course to get some photos, coleson drove the cart as we passed by, it was a nice moment together. After that we went back and got a photo with Paul which was a special moment with im and Sharon as well. We went to spend some time together in our condo room just us, maybe half hour at that point? Then headed back to the course again. The wedding party had gotten ready for their entrances, I wish I was able to see everyones entrance but D & Logan had our jerseys on which I thought was hilarious, and a sign that said something like "Will their love survive the rivalry? ... check back in 2025" Then we walked in and did our little "Hitch" movie dance which was fun and sat at the front. After that, the night went really fast. We got introduced, then went for food which was really good. I had then given my sneaky polaroids to my bridal party to hand out throughout the night, that was hilarious. Kenzie started it off, I cant remember exactly how it happened but I remember him opening it and he kept asking what it was for and then when he saw it he just looked at me and was like WHAT, what is going on, this is amazing. Little did he know. The speeches came which was honestly so funny and so great. All of it was really beautiful and Stevens roast had be in TEARS, i was DYING. I cant wait to rewatch that again, that was seriously so funny. After dessert which we cut the cake as well, the cake was absolutely amazing too, Ive been dreaming of it and wish we kept more, trying not to eat it all before our one year. We did some mingling at that point while people had dessert, people had to leave so we were trying to see everyone but then it was time for the first dance. That was really beautiful as well, very intimate moment. Again looking back I dont remember the nerves like I thought I would have, just focusing on coleson, felt like we were the only ones there in those moments. Our first dance was beautiful and a special moment together. After that the evening just flew. Mix of mingling and meeting people, dancing, taking photos etc. It happened quickly really. Around 10:30/11pm we gathered the wedding party outside for some quality time where we gave our thanks to everyone involved and how much they helped. This moment was one of Coleson & I's favorite, spending time with the close friends (kenzie had to leave unfortunately) who ultimately made the day for us, we had asked everyone to share their favorite moment in the day from their view. None of this was recorded or planned, it was a natural gathering & quality time together. Part of me wishes I got this recorded but the memory will forever stay with me. Hearing all our favorite people's memory of the evening, of our special day was the best gift. We felt to loved and so blessed in this. We're really grateful for those moments.

Wedding day finally came and I couldn't believe it. I woke up with Amber & had a slow start, Amber was amazing and gave me a little card, which had a QR code to scan, which I honestly just thought it would be a funny morning music playlist to get the day started, but instead, she actually had reached out to a bunch of important people in my life and put together a wedding day video (https://youtu.be/Y8U5950NuuI?si=-cyJPAqVWEseu03_) which made me cry, it was SO dang special. (as I watch this again and bawl my eyes out) honestly was the most special way to start the day. After that, we made some coffee & Amber started us off with some Yoga to relax. Kamber had left to go get her hair & makeup done. Then the hair girl showed up which she did a pretty great job considering I had no trial, near the end of that is when most people showed up, D came up, Kenzie had come in, mama came over & mama D came by too. We all got ready together and had a nice morning. Then crunchtime! Carina came and started getting some shots. Once everyone was ready, we got some shots outside popping champagne and then I put my dress on. More photos and then I think Dan W dropped off colesons present to me, mama D took colesons to him (yes I Iced him too). I sat as Steven got some photos of me reading colesons 3 page letter which was unbelievably beautiful, definitely cried. Then my mom passed me his gift, which was the night sky the moment he had proposed to me, again I bawled. How incredibly thoughtful and special. After this we rushed over to the golf course. I think this is when I started getting nervous, we had to wait for the guys to hide so we could go in and hide while they started walking up. I remember hiding in the storage closet trying to breathe. Seeing my bridesmaids all lined up, I was truly just in awe at how this day came already & how ridiculously blessed I was to have my favorite people around me celebrating this day, it's a feeling I really couldn't put into words or explain. I remember getting to the edge, watching steven's face to make eye contact when I was able to start walking with mom. the butterflies and nerves I felt at that moment. As i rounded the corner & made eye contact with Coleson felt like time just stopped and I couldn't see anything else. I prayed God would slow down that day and that moment. I wish I could feel those feelings any any given moment again, but I will try to continue to relive those moments whenever I can because in that moment of seeing Coleson, seeing him see me and the tears down his face, I felt the most loved, respected, honored, cared for, supported person in the world. I dont think I looked at anyone else really. The day truly was perfect. It was absolutely beautiful, I remember standing at the front while Daniel started to speak and I just couldn't stop smiling and looking at coleson, I remember trying to glance out into the crowd but stopped because it made me nervous so many faces staring. His vows were beautiful, and I surprisingly didnt choke getting mine out. It felt surreal, the most beautiful. We went and signed the papers which I remember laughing that I signed in the witness spot. Dan did too so oh well! Then we did the unity sand together which was another nice moment of just us. Wrapped up the message and was able to kiss my now HUSBAND! Amazing. It was beautiful and perfect. Walked down the aisle and towards the front doors where we couldn't believe it! Got some hugs in.

Steven had come to our room, D ended up having the girls so she didnt get to spend the evening so it was just Steven, Amanda, Amber, Kamber & me which was still really nice. Steven told us a really funny story about one of his video shoots & a wild story about a client whos mom killed her dad. We listened to music & played some card games for a few hours till maybe 11ish before we got ready for bed. Amber & I stayed together in the room which was really nice to have, I love that girl. Then just before midnight Coleson had called and asked how far away I was, he wanted to come give me one more kiss which was so sweet. We met up in the middle of the street for one more moment together, enjoying every single minute before the next day. I felt so loved and cherished, truly knew I was marrying such an amazing man. Finally we parted ways and went to bed

October used to be the worst month, used to be only a day, then it grew to being the whole week of my birthday, last year made me hate the whole month of October. It's absolutely incredible how God rewrites the past with such a beautiful future. I just had the absolute best October of my life. I had the first birthday in... I don't even know, maybe 14 years? Since I was at least 15 or 16 years old, the best birthday I've had. I got to then marry my best friend, the love of my whole life days later. I'm living on a farm with the best family I could have ever dreamed of, about to go on a road trip with the most incredible man whom I never thought I'd ever have the blessing to love. Boy, God is seriously good. All the time.