(Word Count: 782, 26 July 2026)

Open your heart to a new honest love, the kind people sing of."

I’m sorry if I hurt you in the process of setting my boundaries. Please know that before I reached this point, I tried and tried and tried to hold it together, to stay the same and keep you close to me. However, I realized that I am someone worth keeping too—someone worth trying and trying for as well. So yeah, I’m sorry if the boundaries hurt you, but I was already hurting long before I set them up.

The fams are doing well. Work is going good. We just got back from our honeymoon in Curacao - I wrote all those updates in my journal app on my phone. That's kind of where I moved all these updates to. it was absolutely perfect to say the least. Everything about it, coleson was beyond incredible & so serving the whole time too so yeah, just literally the most blessed time. So so grateful. After he had said that he feels each year at the end of Harvest that we need to do something even if it's just a week away, time to reconnect before winter & the downtime. Work is going good, looks like were going to Florida mid January and going quarterly so next year is going to be crazy. We might also be moving into the parents house by february so well see. I hope to keep these updates going next year because it's going to be just... a lot but I want to remember it all. anyway, that was super short comparatively but honestly overall Im just really happy. My moody days have finally come down to like 3 or 4 days a month vs like 2 solid weeks at minimum, which obviously has a lot to do with Coleson & Is communication but that's just been beautiful to unfold. He's such an amazing man, honestly I'm just so blessed that God gave me him. Im looking forward to christmas this year, looking at some fun games we can do to make it memorable. Friday Kamber & Tyson are coming over again for games, Im surprising Amber with a best friend awkward photoshoot in two weeks (she quit her job & is currently in nicaragua on a yoga retreat!) Anyway, I want to get started on ambers wedding present so Im going to work on that now. Hopefully Ill post again soon.

this is for when i get my phd in 10 years.

Sasha also I feel like has barley been communicative unless Im the one texting, like back in December I had started the conversation before christmas cause she hadn't reached out in like two weeks & even then she barley asked me anything and I kept the conversation going through January. I tried to plan to see her, twice but her window on the one weekend was so small and then earlier that week said he bf wasn't coming, it's like she leaves the ball in my court, but in a way that like... makes it feel like she doesn't have to try? Idk, I just feel off. Amber & naythan, like I love them. But this past weekend they went out to Radium for the weekend, I tried not to pry by asking what they went for and they went to "play boardgames" in a cabin type weekend with the hot springs. It just frustrates the shit out of me that I keep asking them to come visit and I get pushed off & answered like "well theres nothing to do there, what would we even do?" it's like seriously? Sure you have hot springs in Radium but you book these "getaway" weekends where you just stay in and play games and hang out and how the fuck is that not the same thing as coming out here? other than you actually get to spend time with me? Idk, then my mom, like same thing, i've been inviting her to come out for WEEKS literally since christmas & i totally get you wanted to go spend it with aunt sissy, but youd rather drive 3 hours than 2.5 for me. She's going out to the mountains constantly during the week, every weekend of hers is booked up... & i keep saying like you do all this with your time off but youll be working soon and wont be able to come out during the week then, but then on the same page she's booking all her weekends in advance because "she doesn't know when she'll get a job and wont be able to go out during the week with her friends" Honestly I just feel sick. I am sick and fucking tired of trying to ask my family and my damn friends to come out, my mom came out in august, that's it. Ive been asking her since, she keeps saying "in the next month" but wont fucking commit. I invite steven & amanda, and yet the same thing, I understand they're busy, but it's like they CHOOSE to be busy with everything BUT booking time with me. Like no one is asking me if I can come out there to hang out, Im always the person saying hey I plan to come in are you around. Im always the person making the plans and asking, I try to book a damn games night weeks in advance but they're already booked 3 weeks out. Like Im seriously over it. Im tired of asking. I dont want to anymore. Im like actually ready to stop asking to hang out period. If you can't take the time to see me once every fucking 3-4 months and Im the one always asking when theyre free so I can come in, like Im just done. This is fucking hard. I get that I moved away and clearly I understand I had way to high of expectations even when I felt like its the bare fucking minimum, of friends putting in effort. I thought that I had built these relationships strong enough that everything wouldn't land on my shoulders but I feel that I'm wrong. I'm literally stuck in between trying to give my husband the space he needs so Im not needy & clingly all the fucking time, while trying to adapt to this new life, while trying to cling onto my friends and family ( again to give my husband space) but yet I get barley anything from them, leaving me feelings alone because I have no friends out here, D is busy enough, I literally just spend my time with colesons mom or parents, I love them, but that can't be my only outlet. I just wasn't prepared to be so damn independent out here.

Once again I am struggling. I'm feeling like the bad days have been outweighing the good these last two months and I keep getting in this cycle. It makes me mad when we just had a great weekend together too and I should feel like I've had enough time with Coleson since I've literally spent most of the weekend together. I am exhausted today. I am so tired of not sleeping. Friday night we went to bed closer to 4am and "slept in" till maybe 10, had a chill morning gaming together & watching survivor. Then I went into Lethbridge for some errands & a massage, came home and we did the same for the evening. Went to bed around 11:30 maybe? Or maybe it was then i couldn't sleep either, I think I didn't get to bed until 12:30am, woke up at 8 after tossing all night again. Went to the parents to chat about us leaving and watched Jack Hibbs together, got ready and went into lethbridge for an escape room and then went for chinese after. Again, spent most of the day together, I know coleson hit a wall and maybe I felt it too much and let it affect me. When we got home it was a weird limbo of being exhausted and being restless. We ended up playing some more It Takes Two which was fun, then again went a bit weird, maybe it was just me. Watched some survivor and then it was around 9/9:30 that he was going to game with the guys. The whole "im sorry we weren't intimate" talk again, I think as much as it's nice that it's acknowledged, I feel like when that's said, it's like a wall... like ok cool so ya we weren't intimate all day and then when you "realize" this, it's like you still don't want to, or don't want to make that change and instead it's just like a shut off for the rest of the night, so I just went to the room to read. Idk, it just puts me off, it makes me feel like great you're acknowledging it but closing the door at the same time... Of course I couldn't sleep again then. I shouldn't be mad because I did say everything was fine & he did come in and check a few times before gaming if he should come watch a show together (which I knew he hadn't had a chew all day so the wall would be up anyway) which I just didn't want to be around so I tried to shove it down again, which I feel like I was actually ok, I didn't spiral then, I just took it for what it was, but it was when he came to bed around 11:30 that he barley touched me & I didn't even notice him kissing me & it just went right to my head again, so I tossed & asked why/when he came to bed & it was the same "I didn't want to wake you", after I turned over he tried to cuddle up for a while but I was already in my head, which I know was wrong. I went sideways from there, not able to sleep so got magnesium and gaba again & stayed awake until after 1am before I moved to the couch because his snoring. I think I fell asleep just before 2am, was up at 3:30 and again at 5:30. Im exhausted. I know after festering last night and this morning, a lot of this just has been stemming from living out here and feeling like my friends and even family aren't putting much into visiting or chatting. Amanda has been barley responsive, I ended up cancelling going to prayer night because Alyson canceled and It was on a wednesday which was a brutally long day to drive out & back & i was mentally not there. Steven has also been barley responsive, tried talking about gaming which he wanted to and then I gave two days that week and he only responded the morning of the last day with "well have to plan a day". I get they're busy, it's just unfortunate.