my therapist had me write about my gender today and I thought to share this because it was probably one of the realest things I've ever written about being trans. and I definitely forget this so maybe some other trans people do as well.
I want to explore my gender identity. The first thing that comes to mind is that this is a little ridiculous because 99% of my view of my gender is “the biggest thing on a very long string of things that made my life difficult” and 1% is “funny jokes”. But, hey, maybe this could be helpful. Who knows. Beneath the surface I find grief for the life I could’ve had if I was cis. Oh, and more jokes. What feels uncomfortable or disturbs me about this is that it is a taboo topic in society, and I struggle to find a balance between accepting it as a part of me and making sure people know it’s not all of me. Plus, cis people don’t think my jokes are funny. What gives me hope or inspires me about this is that one day I will be able to afford top surgery. Even if my mother lectures me on how breastfeeding is the best thing ever at least once every 3 months. That actually isn’t a joke. I would benefit from making less jokes, probably. My next step is to consider the fact that the jokes are possibly perpetuating the problems of treating transness like something to be glossed over, and also preventing me from thinking seriously about this.
