For My Personal Development

On November 23rd at 12:30 p.m. I met with Phame Camarena at Kaya Coffee House. We discussed how my transition to Central Michigan University has been going academically, emotionally and socially, how my Personal Development Projects had been going (I talked specifically about how profound of an experience Solidarity night was). Phame asked me what had led me to CMU so I discussed how my brother had gone here and how I had originally been thinking about meteorology as a major. Going off of that I mentioned how it was sort of ironic that I looked into coming to Central because it was the only college in Michigan that offered Meteorology as an undergraduate major program and my brother was a student here, but my intended major quickly changed during my Senior year of high school after I took an accounting and a management class as a dual enrollment with Aquinas and my brother transferred to Grand Valley. However, I did end up coming to Central primarily because of the Centralis Scholarship Program. He asked me if I’d gotten involved in anything on campus and I discussed my involvement with Philosophy Club, SAMRC, and my participation in some politics on campus (ie The Million Student March). I discussed how I hope to get involved in either Amnesty International or the Student Environmental Alliance -maybe both- next semester. We went on to discuss my intentions to major in Entrepreneurship and Philosophy and the verbal confirmation of saying what I wanted to do was rather affirming. Phame, based on what I had been saying about political and social activism and student/millennial involvement, encouraged me to look into Public Administration and Political Science and to just keep an open mind. Phame encouraged me to look into the New Venture Competition. He also recommended that I look into a semester study abroad as opposed to a summer one like I had been considering. My dilemma with a study abroad though is that I do not know where I want to go. Phame recommended either the Netherlands, Portugal or somewhere else, but he said I should look into those two countries. This was a really awesome and meaningful discussion and Phame's advice was truly inspiring. Our discussion was a metaphorical "breath of fresh air" and it was good to just sit down, drink some coffee and talk, especially in the wake of how stressful and busy I have been these past couple weeks. It was also incredibly affirming to know that I am not crashing and burning as much as I may feel like. My conversation with Phame reminded me to be proud of what I have accomplished and to not let my failures rule my mindset and to also continue to expand my world view.

10/30 Rocky Horror Picture Show As part of my participation in the honors community, I went to a showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. The stretch for me pertained to uncertainty. I prefer to know who all is going somewhere and I like to know the exact schedule that is on the itinerary. However, for this event I had no clue who would be going and on top of that I knew nothing about what Rocky Horror Picture Show was. In addition to the stress cause by uncertainty, I also dressed up for the event. My outfit was rather scandalous and I felt incredibly uncomfortable because I knew that there was a rather likely chance that my first interactions with some people and my interactions with acquaintances that I have through the honors community that night might affect how they perceive me. Because I have a deep seated fear of being thought ill of. However, I truly challenged myself to stop worrying and just exist. After going to the showing I was thoroughly taken aback. I enjoyed the film greatly and I believe that it's shock value makes an excellent point. What I took away from my first Rocky Horror experience was that everyone has there own perspective of what might be considered right or wrong. I think that from my perspective the intent behind the experience was oriented around moral relativism. While this can be a slippery slope and a potentially morally dangerous concept to consider, I took extremely positive vibes away from my experience.

Brown Bag Decorating Poverty within the United States may be mentioned quite frequently, but what I have not seen to be mentioned enough is the hunger issue that often coincides with it. The fact that so many people blindly like to assume that the United States of America is the best and most developed country. However, whenever a child goes back to a home after school and he doesn't know when, where or what he will eat next, we have failed this child. As a nation we need to join in solidarity, not just to end the hunger crisis among poverty stricken communities, but also to protect the mental health of children who suffer because of poverty. I decorated several bags that were to be donated to schools. These brown bags will be packed with food for children who qualify for the free meal plan in their schools and the kids will be able to take them home so that they have food to eat over the weekend. As part of a service project that was being done throughout Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week, I decorated several bags. Although it is only a small thing to do, it is my hope that the silly pictures and borderline cliche inspiring messages will be able to brighten the day of some children who deserve to smile and who deserve to dream.

On Wednesday, November 18th, I went to a presentation entitled “Trans 201.” This event was put on by LGBTQ services and the presentation took place in the lower level of the Bovee University Center. I have always held respect for transgender people and I have supported their right to express themselves in whatever manner they feel comfortable with as a reflection of their personal gender identity. However, because I have not really ever questioned my assigned gender I cannot relate to the inner turmoil as well as outward persecution and discrimination that they face. This lack of personal experience often gets in the way of my understanding. I do not understand what it is like to be transgender because I am not transgender. I have a friend who identifies as transgender and more specifically so as agender. They are an extremely close friend to me and I want to support them as much as possible, but this was always difficult because while I knew in a rather detached form that they would experience bullying and microaggressions, I didn’t necessarily know what would or could be offensive. I want to be able to be there for my friend. I want them to feel completely safe around me and I want to be able to stand up for my friend against bullying and to use my privilege to (hopefully) put an end to cissexism. It was my hope to gain more insight into the subjective experiences of transgender people within their day to day lives. I was not dissapointed and I l left the presentation feeling more informed and more committed to supporting and fighting for the rights of transgender people. Through the event I became more aware of the trials and tribulations that too many transgender people undergo through out their daily lives. This was an amazing event that really opened up a topic that needs to be discussed more thoroughly throughout everyday conversations in regards to what social and political changes should occur within our society. I wish that there were more events like Trans 201 that were more widely known about on campus. There were only a handful of people at the presentation and while this was beneficial when it came to having conversations with the people who came to the presentation and the representatives of LGBTQ services, it was discouraging to realize that just so many people don't know anything about people who are transgender at all. This societal ignorance can be seen to lead to a lot of the pain that can be observed through the verbal and social attacks against transgender people.

On November 22nd I braved the cold at 7:30 p.m. to walk to Staples Auditorium in the School of Music. I went so I could see the Tuba and Euphonium Ensemble performance. The music was idyllic, powerful and moving. I have always had an extreme appreciation for instrumentalists because they possess many skills that I do not. Having a roommate who is strongly invested in the School of Music community has provided me with a lot of context into the dedication that is necessary to be an accomplished musician. Multiple hours of rehearsal everyday and a commitment to the program. There is a lot of competition within the studios and my roommate has told me about how difficult it is to hold on to a love and passion for performing when the studio set up seems designed to beat that out of people who "don't have what it takes," but when I was watching the performance I was overwhelmed by their passion. The joy that they put into their performance was palpable. Their love of music and their dedication and commitment to their passions was inspiring. It is always inspiring to see someone do something that I cannot, but it is especially inspiring to see this within the context of everything that they have gone through to get where they are. The stretch of this PDP was to challenge myself to experience more of what the university has to offer because there are so many diverse and talented avenues of the university and I usually only see those that pertain to my specific interests. The meaning of this PDP lays a lot with my roommate. She has been rather stressed out because of music related activities, but when she talks about her passion for performing and doing certain things within music she positively lights up. I was hoping that through my attendance of the Tuba and Euphonium Ensemble that I would be able to see the passion that fueled individuals within the School of Music. The joy that I saw among my peers as they took their final bow was awe-inspiring and I couldn't have been more pleased with my attendance as I believe that I truly gained a powerful bit of insight into the passions of my peers.

Archie Bunker's Neighborhood This occurred in Terrace Rec at 9:00 p.m. On Thursday, 12th of November. I went and signed in. I was given a piece of paper of goals that I had to accomplish in order to live a satisfying life. However, completing the goals was difficult because of discrimination within the system that worked against me. This discrimination could be in place due to sexism, racism, cissexism, ect. The stretch of this PDP was to put me in a situation where I didn't know what was going to happen and to give me the opportunity to experience in an abbreviated way, the discrimination that different people experience day to day. It gave me a subjective personal experience of the discrimination that people face and it highlighted my privilege. My favorite part about the event was at the end when we were reflecting on the experience and it was brought up that any person who ended up being rather privileged could have stepped up and said something to help others. I think that bringing up what I perceive as the responsibility that people with privilege have to help those who are oppressed be heard. The meaning of this PDP was to expand my perspective on the world to be more encompassing of others world views. It also painted a fairly accurate depiction of micraggressions and it is always good to be aware of what could potentially be harming others. This event made me angry and frustrated. I felt lost and no one would listen to me. However, this event also reminded me of how important it is to treat others with respect, to be aware of oter people's perspectives and to be aware of my own privileges and what I might also be discriminated for. It was beneficial to know that I can make a difference by using my privilege to help others. It was also affirming to be reminded that you should stand up for yourself when you are feeling discriminated against. Together people can rectify many of the harms that are caused as a result of discrimination.

11/11 Today I participated in The Million Student March. The feeling of actively participating in support of a position that I hold strongly was indescribable. My appreciation for communication and the concept of politics and democracy has skyrocketed. Today was amazing.

11/10 Today we had a halftime performance. It was an awesome opportunity to spend almost my entire day with the lovely people I have met in band. Also at the beginning of the day I went to my class and presented on my project for Animal Ethics and Cognition. This went extremely well and I was fired up all day. 😄

11/9 Today I treated myself to 3 oatmeal raisin cookies. They are my favorite and I didn’t feel like I had to “earn” them. I ate with friends from band and it was awesome getting to hang out with them; we laughed a lot.

11/7 I went grocery shopping with my mom and I helped her carry groceries. I also swept my garage because there were a lot of leaves. I ate dinner with my family and spent the evening with my mom and little sister, Mary Clare. Today I challenged myself to be proactive in regards to my motivation. I used this motivation to do my laundry and to pack some Christmas decorations to bring back to Mount Pleasant for my room and door.

11/1-11/3 I do not have any pictures for these days because I was rather ill and recovering from strep throat, but I practiced self-love by caring for myself and recognizing that I was sick and not beating myself up for it. I took my antibiotics and took the time that I needed to recover.

On November 2nd, I went to the Walgreens in Mount Pleasant to purchase condoms and tampons. The stretch was the challenge of really pushing myself through uncomfortable situations. Life is not always comfortable and a lot of times we have to do things that we don't want to do. Something that I do dread is going to the store for hygiene and miscellaneous products that have societal implications. Another thing that I had to do was, apart from pushing through my embarrassment, I had to remind myself repeatedly that there should be nothing to be embarrassed about in the first place. This challenged me to get out of my comfort zone and go to the store shamelessly. Sex and periods are nothing to be ashamed of, but there is a huge fear of being judged that I have specifically when in public. I went to Walgreens and I spent a good amount of time standing in the isle looking at both condoms and tampons. Looking at the tampons wasn’t as nerve wracking as I thought it would be, but as people walked by I felt a little uncomfortable. To combat this feeling I stood my ground and reminded myself that I should not be ashamed for buying tampons. I calmed down, but I got rather nervous when looking at the condoms. Although it is unlikely that people were even really looking at me, I felt as though everyone was staring at me and judging me. However, I reminded myself here that there is nothing shameful in buying condoms. While my anxiousness in regards to buying these items may seem trivial, the challenge to just push myself through that nervousness was invaluable. I can now apply this skill to other things that make me nervous. Overall the experience forced me out of my comfort zone in a way that I found to be beneficial to my self confidence.

This event occurred on November 4th in the UC Rotunda. It was open to the public and was put on by SAPA. The stretch of this PDP was to challenge myself to be more open about my experiences. It was rather difficult and painful to rehash a lot of bad memories, but overall it was a beneficial event because by sharing my experiences and speaking out against rape and rape culture within the United States and societies in general I removed the power that shame and silence held over me. At Solidarity I was challenged to put behind the shame of being a victim. I performed a slam poem and I vocalized a lot of the pain I had been holding in. I was able to join in community with fellow survivors and the support there was rather empowering. Solidarity night allowed victims to throw away the hold that shame and silence can have over us and to recognize that we are surviving and we have a community on campus that is here to support us. This event held an enormous amount of meaning for me. It has taken me many years to even recognize that I have been a victim. Once I realized and accepted that, the emotional trauma was terrifying. Struggling with depression and having to navigate around triggers and the occasional disassociating that occurred throughout every day life was an extremely stressful thing and I was struggling a lot with separating myself from my experiences. However, through my experience at Solidarity I feel as though I really, actually regained some control that I felt had been taken away from me. This was one of the most meaningful PDP's for me, it is unfortunately difficult to discuss because I do not know how to explain the empowerment that came with joining in community with others. Because I have experienced many of the same emotions and trauma that other victims have it was incredibly painful to hear about others suffering through the same things that I have. It was affirming though to watch these same people overcome a lot of the pain that comes with survival. It pained me to know that others had experienced, felt and thought a lot of the same things that I have, but it was also overwhelmingly affirming to know that I was not alone in my struggle to regain myself.

11/5 Today I treated myself to a lot of good food. Asparagus is one of my favorite vegetables and the vegetable bake is one of the best vegetarian entrees in the cafeteria. I also made sure to spend time outside because it was so nice out and sunny.

11/6 I'm six days into No Shame November and I am committed to practicing what I like to call "radical self-love." Struggling with depression and recovering from an eating disorder are extremely difficult things to do and it's important to remember to love yourself. Radical self-love entails taking care of my health and well-being and trying to remain in the most positive mental state possible. I also challenge myself to make the environment around me a healthy and safe place. Today I curled my hair, sang to obnoxiously loud music, made coffee and emptied the dishwasher at my home.

On October 28th I went to The Bird with Safe Sex Patrol. We handed out condoms and abstinence candy and stressed the importance of safe sex as a way of avoiding unwanted pregnancies and as a preventative measure against STDs and STIs. I have not always been comfortable talking about sex. I grew up in a conservative family and I went to Catholic school for 13 years. Sex was considered a sacred thing that should be saved for marriage and it was never really discussed. As I grew up, however, I realized that sex was a big elephant in the room that none of my peers really knew much about either because there had been little to no sex education. Informing people about safe sex holds strong importance to me because there is too much misinformation and/or just a pure lack of information out there. It was with this in mind that I was inspired to volunteer with Safe Sex Patrol. The stretch of this PDP was to challenge myself to engage in healthy and pragmatic discussions about safe sex with strangers. The concept absolutely terrified me even though I hold the importance of proper sex education to be overwhelmingly important. Despite being a little nervous, the other members of the group and the people we met at the bars were incredibly welcoming and friendly. After talking to the first few people it was interesting to find out that it really wasn’t as awkward as I first assumed. Overall, this was an extremely beneficial PDP and I would not be surprised at all if I continued to volunteer with Safe Sex Patrol. The central meaning behind volounteering with Safe Sex Patrol was to get me out of my comfort zone and to get my actions inline with my ideals.