Big Stinkus

cuz i am?

Because all of the worst parts of my body, the parts that gave me to worst dysphoria, have been completely changed. I've had bottom surgery, I've been on HRT for almost 5 years, I have boobs, all my fat is in different places, I've done voice training and I actually like how my voice sounds now. Like, physically there is nothing about me that is the same as it was before I transitioned. And the same goes for the non-medical stuff too. I've figured out what my style is, and I'm happy with it. I've completely eliminated the "masculine behaviors" I intentionally learned to adopt when I was young so that I could try and be what was expected of me. I just see the woman I am in the mirror, and in my mannerisms, and in my voice, not the "man" I tried to be before transition. "He" is completely gone. And it makes me unbelievably happy!

But still that general feeling of dysphoria is there when I'm not actively percieving myself. Like, the general feeling of "I hate my body, this isn't my body" is there in the background, until I actually look at myself in the mirror, or I hear myself speak, or I feel the way I move, or I actively think about the fact that I have a vulva and a vagina. Only then, when I'm actively percieving myself, does that feeling go away.

My subconscious perception of myself still essentially thinks I look and sound and act like how I did before I transitioned. And I think it's because of the "ship of theseus" nature of transition. It's not a sudden thing. You don't go in for "the surgery" looking and sounding and acting like a cis man and come out in four hours fully transitioned and indistinguishable from a cis woman, as so many movies and tv shows portray it. There is no disconnect between your pre-transition self and your fully transitioned self, there is full continuity of the self because the changes are extremely gradual. Transition is an evolution not a sudden miraculous transformation.

And that seems to have been double for me. It took even longer for me to reach this point than it seems to for most trans women. Like, it filled me with an indescribable envy when I read Julia Serano describe how just 6 months into HRT she completely "passed" and basically never got misgendered by the general public ever again. It took my 3 years to reach that point. It took me another year before I finally got bottom surgery and finally start to identify with my body.

"Good Morning, Rose"

You ever wanted to see what girl kissing looks like on a CRT? Today is your lucky day. My art really shines on this medium. It was made to be viewed this way

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