I.... need help...
I donât know if people will actually read this, but if you are please help me out. Iâm not very knowledgeable when it comes to the topics of depression, anxiety, suicide, etc.
I have noticed that when I make a mistake or make someone upset the first thing that I think of is âI should just leave now. I donât deserve to live after I did that.â I shake the thought away but it echos in my head and then after that comes âwhyâd I think that?â
The two best examples were both recent.
I accidentally drove illegally, it wasnât safe and got in trouble with my school for it. I felt terrible that I forgot that rule and I wasnât allowed to drive to school for 2 weeks, but I could still pick up my sister from the elementary school. That day driving home and back every tree, building and other car I passed the thought came up. âYou could run into that car and your guilt/misery would be over.â âYou wouldnât be beating yourself up if you were dead.â And it was just there.
The next one was a couple days ago. I was frustrated with some homework and things that happened earlier that day. My boyfriend was trying to cheer me up over face time while I was cutting vegetables. He had just had an amazing day and he doesnât have them often. No matter what he said I couldnât shake the frustration and would find something else to complain about. After a while I tired out his optimism and he went numb. The phone fell and hung up so I called him back and noticed his whole attitude changed. I tried to convince him that he was really helping me, but he knew that wasnât true and felt upset because he couldnât help me. I felt terrible and the sudden urge/thought to tell him I am sorry and slit my throat with the knife I was holding right in front of him. My throat hurt like I actually did it. Later that night he told me that I scared him because I never get mad. I started crying, I desperately wanted to tell him what happened. The thoughts that have crossed my mind, how much they scared me. How much it scared me that something was wrong with me. I didnât. I didnât want him to worry and feel worse when he had such a good day, or only try to get attention...
Even when I was little I have had these thoughts. I WAS 5! when I would get in trouble from my parents instead of most kids âIâm gonna run away!â Mine was âIâm gonna kill myself.â
I know there are people on here that know and experienced sucidal thoughts. I want to know if these are just intrusive thoughts that I donât need to worry about, or if itâs a good thing I am worried about this.
I have never told anyone... I get scared that Iâm only doing it for attention, Iâll worry the people around me, and that people wonât treat me the same. I want to go to the therapist, but I donât want to tell my parents why I want/need to go.
Iâm not looking for sympathy or âLikes/Reblogsâ. I need to know if I actually need to tell people about this and go to a therapist.
Thank you guys! Love you




























