*agressively eats books*

“We have the same typology!!!!” Cool story bro! [loads gun] there can only be one

idk about you but i’m a sucker for the we just had sex and it’s the morning after and i woke up to an empty bed and how could i be so stupid of course you left me alone but wait you’re in my kitchen cooking me breakfast and i’m so relieved trope

Sexiest thing about me is that I'm scared of literally everything and everyone.

not being productive or relaxing but a secret third thing

This March is sort of like a snail driving on a turtle—it both feels like it's moving too fast while being painfully slow.

I be like ''lord'' ''god'' ''jesus christ'' and the mfs dont even mean anything to me

I think my favorite jokes are the ones that weren’t even all that funny until I was an adult, and now they’re fucking hilarious. I’m not even talking about the dirty jokes. I’m talking about in Finding Nemo where the sharks are having fucking AA for fish eating. Remember that shit? “I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself.” Who ever thought of that? That was brilliant. Or what about that time in Shrek 2 where Shrek and Donkey infiltrate the castle pretending to be union workers? Little me didn’t give a shit about unions but big me is remembering Shrek going “It’s okay buddy, we’re from the union” and the desk worker secretively “we don’t even have dental,” and Shrek just shakes his head and looks at Donkey like he can’t believe this shit and goes, “They don’t even have dental.” What the fuck. I’m dying of laughter. Who comes up with this shit.

Dirty jokes have their place but I kind of wish more “adult” jokes relied on “Things only adults would understand due to lack of life experience,” instead of “Things that are inappropriate for kids,”

Hey guys its ok if you’re team destiel but. it’s fucking annoying seeing how many people comment stuff like “can’t believe my boys are losing to a couple of ugly ass cartoons” like bro. Dude. I thought we decided that demeaning cartoons and denying them any merit/value just because they’re drawings and not live action was A Bad Thing. It kinda makes me feel not so great as an artist too.

stop asking me if my wife is single you guys KNOW i have a crush on her