Beefclif

I have somethin I guess? I’ve been the Support Friend for most of my life so I managed to get it down to a formula. TW: dog death

1. Ask Questions

This is mainly to keep them talking, that way a) they feel like they have a confidante in you, and b) the pressure is less on you to Say Things. In fact it shouldn’t be about you Saying Things at all, it should be you figuring out where they’re at and trying to understand.  E.g. “My dog died, I miss him.” Ask questions, and when they start talking, let them talk. “What was his name?” “How and when did he die?” “Tell me about him.” “What was he like?” “What’s your favourite memory of him?” “When did you first meet him?” “Did you teach him any tricks?” Again the point is to keep them talking, the questions are just to get them on a roll. If you’re worrying about what to say next, listen to what they’re saying and ask details of what they’re currently talking about, or mentally prepare your next question.

2. Listen

Let them talk. The more you listen to them talk, the more they feel like it’s okay to talk to you. If they dwindle off, ask them something else to get them talking again. Upset people usually have a lot to say.

Every now and again you can throw in little sentences like “Wow, what a bitch!” “Aw, so sad.” “What the fuck? Why?” just to prove you’re still listening and following, and haven’t wandered off into space.

3. When they’re done, give it back to them

It’s a technique called mirroring. Sum up whatever you heard in short form - if they’ve talked for half an hour about the little details of their deceased pet, say something like “It sounds like he was a very good boy/sounds like he meant a lot to you/sounds like you will miss him.” It’s been known to make people dissolve into a sobbing mess, because this is the part where you prove you’ve done your homework, you listened, you care, you get it.

4. If you really want to offer a solution, ask first. You can just skip this step altogether tbh.

Only when someone has finished talking about whatever is upsetting them, ask if you can help. “Can I offer some advice?”  Now is the time for SHORT anecdotes. Short. It’s not about you sharing your story, it’s about them getting advice. Remember they don’t have to take your advice, again it’s about them and their emotions, and they know themselves best. “When my dog died, I did this. Would that help?” “I read somewhere about doing this. Maybe try that and see how it goes?”

everyone who’s spoken on defunding the police or gone to a protest in the last week: do you know the name, location, budget, and history of your local jail, prison, or detention center? are you speaking with folks trying to shut it down? how are you supporting those locked inside?

this is an actual exercise to commit to: learn the name of the jail, prison, detention center near you. learn its history, how much of the budget goes toward it, the human rights abuses taking place there. learn the local organizations helping the incarcerated people inside.

do you know your local bail policy? where undocumented people are housed when arrested? demographics of local incarcerated population? names of ministries doing outreach work inside your local prison? DoC budgets? book donation and pen pal programs? local decarceration efforts?

how many political prisoners can you name, whose stories you know well enough to educate others on? are you contributing to their legal and commissary funds? how are you actively working towards their freedom and supporting those who’ve dedicated their lives to freeing them?

abolition is a framework that requires asking practical questions that create actionable steps toward ending prisons. it requires rigorous local struggle as much as it does wider communication and solidarity. it requires knowing names, faces, stories, histories, and numbers.

which businesses, universities, and institutions have contracts w/ your local prison or jail? what’s the proposed budget increase for the next fiscal year? are the road signs and license plates in your town made from prison labor? can you name your local youth detention center?

edit: it happened again. hearing of at least 30 arrests tonight.