unfiltered journal

I’ve had A LOT going on since my last entry. So I’ll fill you in on everything I’ve done regarding what I talked about last time.

I went to the casting...it went ok. I’m interested in still working with the company and enjoy shooting with them but it’s not really my style anymore. I just don’t know think I want modeling to become anything more than a hobby. 

We did not get the house. The foundation issues were actually pretty awful and we were worried fixing them would ruin the house even more. We did put an offer in on another beautiful home that is so perfect and in the perfect location...but we aren't expecting to get it either. It’s so sad because it’s the perfect mix of vintage and modern, it’s not too big, it’s got amazing character and a great yard, it’s right on the water, and it’s a 2 min walk from downtown. It hurts my heart. But I can only imagine it’s for some reason I’ll be able to see in the future, or may never know about. So the house hunt continues. 

I did a little try-out for a new job. I’m not sure how I feel about it. The owner is super particular about how things need to be done, which I understand since it’s their company, but it can be really frustrating. On the other hand I feel I can learn a lot about owning and running a business from them, plus social media managing can help me run my own business page. I think the deal breaker will come with figuring out how flexible the hours are. Would it be possible for me to take the day off if I get a sudden call for a job? I like flexible jobs, even if they're menial, because it helps me make time for my own business.

I feel like I’m stagnant right now. Nothing’s changing yet, but things are threatening to change. I guess threatening isn’t the right word. I’m not scared of change, I just hate the adaptation process because sometimes it can take really long. I’m ready to just have my own business but I’ve been slacking on it for so long, and I really don’t feel like I do much when it comes to progressing my skills. I guess it’s just hard being the only person I know, in a 20 mile radius, who does videography. It’s easy to find people, but I have a hard time connecting with them. I just get nervous when it comes to talking to others on the topic because I don’t really know much past the basics. It really is time for me to get a mentor, but I feel embarrassed about that (when I know I shouldn’t because there really isn't a problem with being ignorant if you’re willing to learn). How do I fix that? Is it an ego thing?

I feel each day getting a little better. I’m trying my best to manifest the things I want. Whether that be through praying, dreaming, talking aloud to myself, or just in quiet, passing thoughts (it all has the same result imo).

I find I’m happiest when I’m creating. I try to do as much of that as I can at my office job since I do run the social media pages. I think Canva might be one of my new favorite hobbies lol. 

I’ve also been wanting to get more serious with my book centered social medias (bookstagram, booktok, etc). I even created a blog site on Square Space for all my book reviews and TBR, etc...not knowing it was $180 a year of course (facepalm). I’m debating on just spending it, honestly. I mean if I can spend that much on clothes in one sitting, why not spend it on an activity I enjoy instead. I’d get more use out of it that way, at least. I would use Tumblr if I liked the format a little more, but Square Space has such amazing templates and I love the one I made and don’t want to give it up. Maybe after my next paycheck comes in...

I’m going look at a couple houses this week. They’re out of my price range, I think, but have some structural damages that may allow me to knock off a good chunk of the price (fingers crossed). I would actually love to buy a house that I could remodel and update and sell for more down the road. Currently there’s a mid-century modern home for $220k that has foundation issues and does need a good updating. I love this style of home and I’m hoping the foundation problem really isn’t so bad to the point of being unfixable. I would love to take the time with repainting and decorating it to my tastes, and I even have a Pinterest board already set up for inspiration. I get so excited when I find homes I actually like because then I don’t really mind going into debt for it (nervous laugh). 

Anyways, I have a busy week ahead, but not much to write about I don't think. I have a casting with a local boutique tomorrow afternoon, and a meeting for a videography job for a big fast food chain on Friday. Wish me luck and prayers! If I am able to get this job it’ll be one of the biggest I’ve done. May God be by my side.

Ask and you shall receive.

In my last entry, I mentioned how I was desperately wanting a tangible sign that I was working towards the future I wanted. I didn't care if it was a yes or no that determined if I was on the right path, I just wanted an answer.

At the ass crack of dawn, before the sun even made it’s appearance, something (or someone) woke me up and I felt the need to check my phone. It was 4:44.

Now, a lot of the time I’ll brush off seeing angel numbers as coincidences. I mean, there’s only so many numbers and so many combinations, you’re bound to see a trifecta eventually. However, this time I just had a feeling it was meant for me to see at that specific moment. I don’t know how to explain it, but it felt like someone was there, turning me over and telling me to check the time.

The meaning of angel number 444 is that there is a big change coming into your life. It carries a message of hope, truth, and balance. The number four appears frequently in the Bible and is often used to represent virtue, balance, and God's righteousness. For those who are not of the Catholic faith yet are still spiritual, 444 is a message from the spiritual universe about the importance of balance and trusting your intuition. In numerology, it's a sign of stability, optimism, and abundance.

NOTE: I have a hard time writing when I’m in a happier mood. I don’t feel the need to share anything because the world no longer feels like it’s ending and I don't need someone to tell me, “Hey, it’s only temporary. It will be ok again soon.” So if I’m gone for long periods of time, it’s because I’m happy(ish).

I want to bring another adult responsibility into my lifestyle...budgeting. Not so much, “Only spend money here, here, and here,” but more of a, “Where and on what, am I spending all my money?” I’ve been really frivolous with spending lately, especially when it comes to clothes. I just love fashion a lot more than I expected to. I feel like it’s such a fun way to express myself, so it’s hard to not spend extra amounts of money in that area. But it’s getting to the point again where I’m forgetting about clothes I bought, or just never wearing the things I buy, so I want to make a more conscious effort to slow down in that area. I have a feeling I spend a lot more than I think I do...

As for my life lately, it’s been okay. It’s not the greatest, but it’s also not the worst. I’ll take mundane over anxiety ridden and overstressed any day. I’ve been a little more hopeful about my future. I started putting my money towards things that can help to improve my talents and get me excited about my type of work again. I know I never said what it is exactly that I do. I just get a little nervous that someone will find this page and know exactly who I am. I don’t know why I get so scared, literally no one around me knows of or even uses Tumblr anymore. I guess I’ll just say it.

I’m a video creator. Not the social media influencer kind (although I wouldn’t mind being one, it seems fun sometimes), but the “I wanna make a movie” kind. My passion for the video world didn’t start with movies, but it’s developed into one. I actually found my love for video making through Youtube, waaayyy back when making your own music videos was a thing. I thought I was going to become the ever famous Youtuber, but it just wasn't in my cards I guess. I still have a longing for it--how could I not? It’s the reason I learned to edit, it allowed me to create from scratch, it gave me an escape from a really traumatic middle school experience...it was my passion. When I went to college I didn’t really want to make movies, I wanted to be a Youtuber. It felt like there was just so much more freedom of expression: no shooting schedule, no rule of thirds, no judgement of how things were shot or written. As I kept working towards my degree, I did end up falling in love with movie making. It’s a lot more difficult, but I found my passion also spread to the beauty of film and cinema. I love creating beautiful content just as much as I love creating Youtube videos. I hope/aspire to one day merge the two and be able to make a living off of it.

Anyways, I’m anxious for all the new equipment I bought recently. I really, really hope that once I start learning how to use it all, my creative juices will get flowing again. I just miss creating from scratch. I think it’s the main reason I no longer enjoy the videoing and editing. Everything I film is always for someone else. Too corporate, or repetitive, or for someone else. I miss making beautiful content FOR ME. But how do you make a career out of that without digging yourself into a hole first? I’m not 18, or 20, or even 22 anymore. Each year I’ve got one new bill added to the roster. It’s getting harder and harder to focus on growing this passion into something I can do long term, and I’m so terrified I’ll end up having to settle for some stupid office job one day. I know some people are in their 30s and 40s before they accomplish their dream (Apple, Microsoft, soooo many actors/actresses). It just feels like it will be too late by then. Shit it feels too late right now. I wish I could just peek behind the curtain and see what my future holds. To have a tangible piece of evidence that I’m doing something right...or WRONG! Then at least I’d know to fix it.

(I’m writing this for the second time tonight because my draft didn't save and I already know it won’t be nearly as well explained as the first because I only ever write off of unfiltered thoughts. And this time I’m repeating. I’ll try my best but I’m extremely annoyed.)

If I can gather my thoughts into words, this’ll be a long one.

Do you ever wake up and everything just sucks? Life sucks. Your current situation sucks. The imagined future sucks. And most of all, YOU suck.

I take one nap just to wake up and my entire outlook on life is turned on its head. The future of the path I’m on is just a fucking train wreck. It looks like this:

I work a job I hate while trying to revive the passion for the career I thought was my dream. I am continuing to work jobs I hate because how else am I supposed to put food on the table. I’m single. And not in the way that’s hot. I’m single in the way that brings loneliness and self hatred and pity and sadness. And I HATE everything. 

Sounds kinda like my life right now.. save the singleness (I actually like that aspect at the moment).

Every piece of work I create feels like bullshit and reading is the only thing I can find any shred of happiness in. Daydreaming of building a family or traveling for the rest of my life is no longer working. Nothing feels like it did 5 years ago. I used to have so much hope and motivation and determination for the future I wanted. And now...everything is just so bleak. I feel like every step I take is in the wrong direction. Is this a sign from God that it’s time to change paths, or am I being a brat and overreacting?

Speaking of God, this is my despairing, screaming-at-the-top-of-my-lungs plea for Him to please take my hand and show me the way. Or drag me, kicking and screaming, because something needs to change and You’re the only person I trust right now.

I added this picture because I feel like it fits my exact situation. I have only ever lived my life dreaming of the future or reminiscing on the past. Never just living in the PRESENT. It’s like there's a piece of sadness in me that refuses to let me enjoy the happiness of present moments. Instead that stupid, little, sad voice is saying, “What if we had done this instead?” or “Remember when we did this? That was way more fun.”

I feel like I am an optimistic person. I truly do. But there’s a weakness that comes with being optimistic. Your optimism relies on “What if it turned out like this?” and “Didn't it turn out great the last time?” You say it in a hopeful voice because optimism is just blind happiness, or learned happiness, not current happiness. You’re constantly living your life in the future or the past. So is it really a good thing? It feels more like torture.

I want to change, really. I want to be the person who can soak in all of the present moments, because I know it’s all fleeting. I want to be truly, presently happy. The problem is I don’t know how to learn that, and I don’t have anyone to teach me. 

As I reread this entry, scouring for spellchecks and rewording, I’ve come to one conclusion:

I go back and forth every day. Some days I’m so ready to just move out (as I should be...I’m fucking 25). But at the same time I’m so fucking terrified of the unknown. The unknown struggles, the unknown future, the unknown possible failures. I’m so terrified of these things that not only haven’t happened, but may never happen! And if they did happen, I logically doubt it would be as bad as I am imaging it would be. I wouldn't be strung out onto the street, I’d just be back where I started. Like hitting a reset button. The only difference would be that I’d be in a little more debt (which if you think about it, really isn't that bad).

But also, I like living in such close proximity to my parents. I’ve been home so long in my adult life (which really only started 3 years ago) that they’ve become my whole world again. It’s much harder to leave now than it was at 18 because we have boundaries and, more importantly, we all respect those boundaries. I don't have a curfew, I don’t have to hide drinking, I can go to parties whenever I want. I’m basically allowed to live the full adult life without paying rent (I do pay my bills though, I’m not that much of a freeloader). But the guilt. The fucking guilt. I feel so fucking bad allowing my parents to provide this much for me. They’ve helped me for 25 years. It’s time for it to end, I know that. And the shame. It’s just so embarrassing to say, “I still live with my parents even though I work 3 jobs and went to college.” People who have it worse than me are living on their own. They did the damn thing. Why can't I just take the next fucking step?

It’s 12:15AM. I’ve spent at least an hour creating this damn page because God forbid I do anything if it’s not aesthetically pleasing...or perfect. To be honest I’m so tired that this first entry could go one of two ways: either I word vomit and everything I’m thinking will spill onto the “page” or I have absolutely no thoughts at all. 

Wait I kinda wanna smoke. BRB.

I’m brushing my teeth while hitting my pen and I just feel like it’s so contradictory to cleanliness. 

My back fucking hurts.

Okay anyways back to why I created this page. It’s a pitiful reason, honestly. 

To start off, I’m 25. Still living in my parents’ house in the upstairs “guest bedroom”. I use quotes with that because it’s been my room ever since I graduated 3 years ago. That’s right. I’ve got a college degree and STILL live at home. I’m at an impasse with how I feel about it, really. 40% of me is ok with it. I’ve got friends that haven't moved out either. Or the only reason they ARE moved out is because they live with their significant others. Plus we all know the expenses relating to renting or home-owning in your mid 20s. As for the other 60% of me...she’s embarrassed. I can’t give a friend an actual room to sleep in when they come over. Not only do they have to sleep on a mattress on the floor, but they’re also technically my parents’ guest. Not to mention dating is basically impossible. How do you confidently tell 25-33 year old men you still live with your parents??? I have friends (or people my age that I follow online) doing every adult thing imaginable. Marriage. Kids. Buying houses. Buying cars. Succeeding in their careers. I feel so stuck. Some of it is current financials.  Some of it is fear. Most of it is fear. Ok like 85% of it is fear.

I just don't understand why it’s so hard for me to take the next step in life. I mean good lord it took me 2 years to break up with my ex and he CHEATED. And I still talk to him! *facepalm* I can rarely enjoy “living in the moment” because all I think about is something I did back in college and, “Why is it so different this time?” every time I try to recreate a past night I loved. If I died today and found out the afterlife is just being reincarnated to past parts of your life, I’d live my 4 years of college over and over and over and over and over and

At least the fear is simple. “WHAT IF I CAN’T DO IT?” I’m the oldest. The oldest child. The oldest grandchild. On both sides of my family...by a lot. I don’t get to watch people mess up and learn from their mistakes. I don't get this relatable slew of knowledge passed down. I’m the one who has to do the messing up and passing down! WHAT THE FUCK! Not to mention the fucking pressure of feeling like I have to be perfect because if I mess up what the fuck is gonna happen to the three after me? 

Oh my God. I get it now when firstborn daughters were relating to Lisa in Encanto.

I’m just gonna...push that to the side and deal with it later.

Basically the point of this page is to give me an outlet and let me “romanticize my life”. And I don’t mean that in the way of “I want to fall in love with my life.” I mean it in that I feel like if my life was a movie this would be the beginning of the beginning. The “Steve Jobs figuring out how he’s going to create Apple while in his garage” scene. The scene that comes before the beginning of the story. The beginning of the beginning.

I think I smoked a little too much. 

Maybe one more hit.

A lot of people (and I just mean more people than you’d expect) say my life is like a movie (I think I’m just really good at retelling events). I don’t see it, but maybe if I write about it I’ll be able to read it the way people hear those stories.

Okay I definitely smoked too much and my thoughts are becoming goop. Goodnight ♥