#unfilterd

I’ve had A LOT going on since my last entry. So I’ll fill you in on everything I’ve done regarding what I talked about last time.

I went to the casting...it went ok. I’m interested in still working with the company and enjoy shooting with them but it’s not really my style anymore. I just don’t know think I want modeling to become anything more than a hobby. 

We did not get the house. The foundation issues were actually pretty awful and we were worried fixing them would ruin the house even more. We did put an offer in on another beautiful home that is so perfect and in the perfect location...but we aren't expecting to get it either. It’s so sad because it’s the perfect mix of vintage and modern, it’s not too big, it’s got amazing character and a great yard, it’s right on the water, and it’s a 2 min walk from downtown. It hurts my heart. But I can only imagine it’s for some reason I’ll be able to see in the future, or may never know about. So the house hunt continues. 

I did a little try-out for a new job. I’m not sure how I feel about it. The owner is super particular about how things need to be done, which I understand since it’s their company, but it can be really frustrating. On the other hand I feel I can learn a lot about owning and running a business from them, plus social media managing can help me run my own business page. I think the deal breaker will come with figuring out how flexible the hours are. Would it be possible for me to take the day off if I get a sudden call for a job? I like flexible jobs, even if they're menial, because it helps me make time for my own business.

I feel like I’m stagnant right now. Nothing’s changing yet, but things are threatening to change. I guess threatening isn’t the right word. I’m not scared of change, I just hate the adaptation process because sometimes it can take really long. I’m ready to just have my own business but I’ve been slacking on it for so long, and I really don’t feel like I do much when it comes to progressing my skills. I guess it’s just hard being the only person I know, in a 20 mile radius, who does videography. It’s easy to find people, but I have a hard time connecting with them. I just get nervous when it comes to talking to others on the topic because I don’t really know much past the basics. It really is time for me to get a mentor, but I feel embarrassed about that (when I know I shouldn’t because there really isn't a problem with being ignorant if you’re willing to learn). How do I fix that? Is it an ego thing?

Is there somwhere out there for us to go? Or are we comfortable being here? Where are we? What are we doing here? How did we get here. Are we going around in circles, going through the motions of emotions the joy and bliss, the tantrums and sadness. Where do we go? Shall we go together? One behind the other? Shall I go alone or will you go and leave me here?? So many questions? Who has the answers? You look at me with eager hopeful eyes, I look at you and my heart smiles..