lyrics DO NOT 🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️❌❌🚫🚫 have to be good 🙂‍↔️🙂‍↔️🙂‍↔️ for the song to be good 👍😎😎😎

people like the idea that there is an identity they can claim that will absolve them of the responsibility to examine their beliefs and actions and adjust them accordingly to better align with their values and desired outcomes but there isn't, we all have to practice humility and do the work regardless

you’re taking an “am i gay” quiz but the questions start to become super specific to your personal life and you click to the last one and it just has a timer on the screen and says “in one hour your crush’s stove will flick on and ignite the gas that is slowly filling their house. good luck.” so you haul ass over to their house and find them cuffed to the wall so you can’t get them out of the house and there’s no key but there is a hammer and scalpel on the table with a note that says “your heart’s in the right place” and you call the cops and they don’t believe you because nothing has happened yet and your crush is begging you to tell them what is going on but there’s no time because you’ve already wasted thirty minutes and so you ask them to take off their shirt apologizing the whole time because god, not like this, and sure enough there’s an incision down their sternum and you take a deep breath and reopen it as your crush screams and cries and says that they don’t understand and you’re crying too as you open up their chest knocking already-broken ribs out of the way and breaking the intact ones, desperately feeling your way around for anything, and you’re so sorry and you’re telling them please don’t hate me for this and the smell of gas is getting stronger and stronger and their eyes are flittering shut as they lose blood and you tell them i love you, i’ve loved you for a long time and you can hate me as much as you want for this just please stay awake and they kind of smile dreamily but you don’t know whether they even know what’s going on right now and you can hear the stove flicking to light itself when your hand brushes up against a trigger and you flip it and you hear the stove click off while you have your hands still buried inside of them and then hours later you trudge through your front door and there’s still blood crusted under your nails even though you’ve scrubbed your hands five times and your crush is in surgery and the hospital promised to call you and tell you how they’re doing and it’s been an hour but you’re too tired to feel worried and you feel like shit about that and you find your computer and see that the timer on the am i gay quiz has run out, redirecting you to a screen that has a picture of billy the puppet with a pride flag background and the text “congrats on coming out!”

before there were blorbos there were little meow meows and before there were little meow meows there were cinnamon rolls

I come from a long line of people with something wrong with them

house of leaves / goncharov esque project consisting of the paratext of a nonexistent text where the described-but-unseen source material is an 800 page rulebook for the worst tabletop game you've ever heard of and the paratext is a series of arguments and blog posts generated by insane forum users

The entire point of, OK, my phone really wants to call it Anastasia so I guess we’re doing that? The entire point of Anastasia (as administered by a board-certified Anastasiologist) during sugary. Sugary? Haven’t I suffered enough? The entire point of Anastasia during augury. Jesus Christ. Hold up. You know what, augury is preferable to sugary. Augury is obviously performed by an auger (makes sense if you give it a think) whereas sugary is performed by…? A sugardaddy? NO THANK YOU. Anyway. The entire point of Anastasia is so that you don’t know what music your sturgeon. Fuck right off. Was playing. While you were under. You’re not supposed to wake up from Anastasia and immediately realize you managed to get earwormed by Motörhead’s “Ace of Spades” during your sugary.

sorry america but you’ve been really mean. and I don’t want to go to your birthday party in two days

Unreliable everyone

ive invented (note: dubious claim) something i call the bear diet which is mostly fruits and vegetables with fish as the main protein source and something like once a month you eat a few hyperprocessed foods of your liking because that is when you, the bear, raid a dumpster in the suburbs