Hailey

State alchemists can be fired for underperforming. We know this up front from the likes of Shou Tucker. And this makes a ton of sense from the homunculi's standpoint since the state alchemists are sacrifice candidates, and the homunculi would want to cull the weakest candidates and focus only on cultivating the strongest ones who stand the best chance of opening the portal.

........Then there's Edward. Who's already opened the portal.

There's no need to cultivate him. No gamble taken on whether he's good enough to open the portal. He passed the final test already. Graduated 4 semesters early.

And as such, has a free pass to do Absolute Fuck All.

And I'm imagining how funny this is from like an outside perspective.

Some newish state alchemist who'd only ever read up on the stories of Edward Elric, ready and excited to start their career of being paid handsomely with endless freedom to research and travel and do anything they want in the pursuit of science... surprised and confused to find themselves put on probation their first month for things like "ignoring orders." Which is, as best they had thought, a famous Edward Elric pastime.

Roy showing a slight bit of stress about his yearly state alchemist report, and Ed just snorting and rolling his eyes at Roy because every year HE just hastily does his on the train ride over (canon in the manga, a travesty it was left out of the anime) and it gets rubber stamped. Ed not realizing that other alchemists' reports get genuinely scrutinized and torn apart while Ed is free to turn in whatever absolute bullshit he thinks of 36 hours ahead of time. One year his report was about whether alchemy could be done via dance (conclusion: no it can't) and no one cared. Roy WANTS to tell Ed there's some kind of unknown favoritism around Ed making him literally bullet-proof but Roy has no way to phrase this that doesn't sound like he's just in denial and mad at how good Ed's train-reports are.

Guy from the Internal Amestrian Affairs sector who's responsible for auditing other internal military personel for any suspicious activity hitting about 1 million red flags for Edward Elric, issuing a STRONG and URGENT recommendation to suspend the alchemist pending further investigation into things like "literal bunk-buddies with two members of the Xingese royalty (enemy nation)" and "spent $10,000,000 of his stipend on a librarian to make her re-copy (what he seemed to interpret as?) military records in some extremely transparent effort to unearth state secrets (it was a recipe book but he was literally asking her about state secrets)" and "literally has never once obeyed an order, ever, not even once in his career, and is on public record having said 'I do not care about the goals and protections of the Amestrian Military. I am in fact only pursuing my own interests several of which are diametrically opposed to the safety and well-being of the governing body of Amestris'"

The issued recommendation is intercepted before it even reaches its intended desk. President Bradley himself has taken issue with it and denies it before a single set of eyes has seen it. The President's veto stamp is a terrifying hammer, used rarely, and it is now sitting on the auditor's desk.

I love the way the Elric's board of epilogue photos have a personal-looking picture of Black Hayate, his gf and their puppies...

...and then they only have this one official looking photo of Roy and Riza that could have been from a random newspaper clipping.

I choose to believe that Riza only keeps in touch with the Elrics via dog photos. Everything that happens to her and Roy they need to sus out from news stories.

"Dear Riza, Black Hayate has grown so much. thanks for all the pictures. But uhhh what's this we've been hearing about Mustang becoming the new Fuhrer?"

"Dear Riza, We all think it's great that Black Hayate has a new girlfriend. She's very cute. But seriously, did Mustang launch a full-scale war crimes tribunal? Could you maybe reply to this letter with words next time? We're a little scared."

"Dear Riza, The new puppies are very cute. Why have you put yourselves on trial??????"

"Dear Riza, WE GET IT THE PUPPIES ARE CUTE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU AND MUSTANG DOING PLEADING GUILY ON ALL COUNTS? WHO IS GOING TO RUN THE COUNTRY IF YOU DO THIS????"

Bonus:

- "Your hands aren't meant for killing people. They're for helping them live." vs "The hands of the king are the hands of a healer, and so shall the rightful king be known."

- "Even without alchemy, I still have them." vs "I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend." Heck, just the whole theme of denying strength and power except when truly necessary because there's things worth so much more.

- Al and Sam both being sidekicks and being more awesome for it because supporting others gives them their greatest chances to shine.

- Having cast chock full of warriors and letting them be absolute badasses while simultaneously not shying away at all from showing the horrors and costs of war.

-Aragorn leading the Army of the Dead against Sauron’s forces vs. Hohenheim using the willing souls of the thousands who died that are contained within him to fight Father’s efforts

Magical/Alchemical item filled with immeasurable power being sought by many people, but turns out to be an item steeped in evil and suffering, and would probably be better off never used and even destroyed

Protagonists live in an idyllic countryside town that they return to in the end

But the main protagonist doesn't stay there forever! He leaves at the very end!

Main protagonist can see the humanity/value in an enemy that most people wouldn't (Gollum/Slicer, etc.)

Even though the story is shounen/male-dominated, the author portrays women as people with value and complexity YES I'M TALKING ABOUT TOLKIEN TOO FIGHT ME

Main protagonist tries to go off and tackle the main plot on his own, but his best friend insists on joining him - which is good, because the protagonist would have died otherwise

Character with a "split personality" that argues with himself (Gollum/Greedling)

Protagonist gets a wound that keeps bothering him as time goes on (Frodo's Nazgul wound from Weathertop, the cut on Ed's forehead that keeps reopening and eventually scars XD)