yo mama's meat clown

”Jesus Christ, what is that?”

”How is it alive?”

"What does it want?"

”Will it hurt me?”

”Will it hurt my children?”

It's only natural to ask questions like this when encountering such a disgusting creature, but rest assured- it's quite harmless!

Meet the hampter.

Hammers are Europe's largest species of insect. They are mostly found in plains, mountains, parking lots, underpasses, the savannah, landfills, trees, and shurbs. They are heavily endangered because they are too stupid to drink water if it's not in a water bottle manufactured for small animals. But evolution has produced a remarkable solution: a female hamper can lay thousands of eggs every day! Most of her young will die of dehydration, but the sheer numbers of hamspers makes it inevitable that at least some will find a water bottle and thus survive to sexual maturity.

Hapster biologist Dr. Lexapro Beaufort said in an interview, "I know of them. They like to sniff around in the dirt for seeds and grass and discarded cigarettes. They like to dig holes in the ground. They were not created by the same God that created everything else."

They can even be kept as pets! One proud hamser mommy had this to say. "Yeah, mine is named Keith and he fucking sucks. He just hides in a hole and only comes out when he hears me rattling my adderall prescription."

“Sargz”

Time to jack off, god damn it. I hate jacking off. But I have to! Aw, man. I don’t wanna jack my cock! But I have to! Nooo! God damn it! Welp, time to jack off. This sucks. I hate jacking off a lot, but I do it anyways because I have to. Once again, I’m forced to jack my own dick.

I know what you’re thinking about. You’re thinking that this was me breaking out of the prison of my own life. But I refuse. Jacking off is my prison and cumming is the prison guard. Forced to either masturbate or have sex with other people just so I can survive another day. I’m trapped, there’s no escape, until something frees me.

That’s why I masturbated.

I swear to god I hated every second of it. It never got easier for me. Every single time I jerked off was in pain and agony. My balls were destroyed, even the doctor couldn’t help me get them back after I shot off. They’d barely respond to his commands anymore. I found some ancient medicine which only made my situation worse, yet my balls still weren’t doing their job. God, what a mess.

I hate my balls, but I love my cock. A healthy set of balls are what make your cock happy. Or at least they used to be. Now there’s not a thing I can do for mine. Shoot them full of weirdo medicine that only makes me more fucked up down there. Syringe my balls with happiness. A needle pricked every morning before I go to work. Nothing works though. My balls just look like those of an old man who has the most painful death imaginable waiting for him at the end of this shitty life of his.

Shit.

So here I am, crying as I jack my cock. There’s nothing I can do. No cure for the woes of a man, and that includes wasting hours in the bathroom on the daily. The constant poking of my balls against the fucking glass bowl until my skin turned gray from the constant irritation is tearing me apart. Yet I do it anyways. The only relief I find is when I cum and shoot that load of crap out into the toilet, emptying every inch of my jizz.

I hate masturbation. I hate cumming. I hate my balls. I hate the stupid stuff that comes out when I orgasm. I don’t even know what it is any more. What is it? It’s got to be piss because, sure, it smells like piss, but why is it yellowish brown? It doesn’t feel like cum! I cum too quickly and too much. Sometimes my entire body feels like its shaking; it’s not just my dick. And don’t even get me started on the ass fucking cream shit. Fuck my life, all of my life.

Every time I jerk off I feel like I’m falling faster and faster towards my inevitable doom. In fact, if I’m honest, I’ve always felt this way about it. Masturbation has been my nemesis since I was a teenager, and now it’s taking my balls too. When I was ten, I met a demon in my dreams. He told me “Your balls are fucked”, then he vanished. Now, here I am twenty years later. Haunted by the damn demon I probably summoned with my own actions.

These are two middle-aged men who probably haven't had any experience kissing someone they love, so they're obviously gonna be a bit out of practice.

I know that it was passionate and sweet, and they deserve that.