(Trigger warning for addiction)
You don’t have to struggle with addiction to have Borderline Personality Disorder, nor do you have to have Borderline Personality Disorder to struggle with addiction— but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a significant overlap between the two (and it also doesn’t mean that there’s NOT a significant portion of people with BPD who do NOT struggle with addiction).
Aside from BPD, I was a diagnosed with a physical illness a couple years before my BPD diagnosis— Lyme disease. It was just as invisible as BPD, but more physically painful (and caught very late) which is why they prescribed Vicodin. I took it 2-4 times a day, AKA, every 4-12 hours. At first, I felt a difference. Pain free almost! Already by week two, it was “only four times a day, I promise ____” (insert name of whoever I was trying to convince at the time). Then it was 6 (8 in truth) pills a day, then 8 (12 in truth), then I was doing things I shouldn’t have so I could have one pill of anything to help the pain an hour. How didn’t I die? I’ll never know.
Coming off of pain relievers without knowledge of withdrawal was hell. Cold and hot, fevers, shaking, I won’t go in to too much detail because I know addiction has touched all of our lives in some way so that we all know it too well.
Then, I saw the article for the new opoid. The one the melts under your tongue. I tried to tell myself “Wow, that will be so helpful for people in emergency situations who have medical personnel on site!”, but really, my skin was tingling. I wanted it already. I wanted to be that numb.
My sister wanted us to watch a movie tonight with her friend and I, but that pill was all that was on mind (I have no agenda, I’m not speaking politically—BUT VOTE—, just saying what popped into my head), not for the Lyme disease pain, more so for the BPD pain. “Imagine being so numb to both…” I kept unrealistically thinking to myself “Imagine not thinking of all the things you’ve done wrong and imagine your joints not aching” and my mind kept racing “just imagine escaping your life for a bit”.
I actually slapped myself. Not in a self-harm way, and of course I don’t recommend it at all, but I was shocked my mind could so quickly resort to such simple escapes. Those thoughts and slapping myself were unproductive, but I have also realized that yes, just as my therapist warned, I do need to watch out for addiction.
It’s an easy routine to fall into, but a much harder one to fall out of. I think it may be that addiction can lead to both a feeling of control and a way to let loose, but neither in healthy ways. I really don’t know since clearly it is something that I am still far too tempted by. However, I did want to write this after seeing the FDA approved article.
Please reach out to the community if you are struggling with addiction. I am always here to talk.
