My Cryptic Diary

I need to stop abusing people's patience with me, I need to learn to shut my mouth. I need to... remember who I am, who I want to be.

Because she is much farther now, and I don't like this reflection, the girl from the stories about me, I know her. Somehow, she never really dies. I can kill her a hundred times, like a cartoon bad guy. Blown into the sky only to return unscathed and more vicious, like she grows too. Like she knows my weaknesses, every crack she can slip through, like she'll never leaves me. Like she knows me.

How do we forget

Everything we've learned

Everything we think we know

Everything taken with us

Lost in an instant

In a moment of

Everything built crumbling down

Inside a cloud of

Everything blown away suddenly returning

How does this happen

How did I get here,

Again

God, it never seems to end

God, how did I get here

God... can you hear me?

After everything,

I have nothing to show for it.

God can you hear me?

How did I get here?

How did this happen?

Kiss me, again.

I will not beg, I will not ask nicely

Kiss me again.

Or submit that you are a liar

Kiss me, I dare you

Or else tell me you’re a coward

Tell me that you won’t kiss me

I dare you, 

Make it a promise

Don’t kiss me, or hold, or miss, or want me

Don’t dance with me, or whisper, or laugh, or long for me

Don’t trust yourself, or me, or God, or chance, or anyone

I dare you not to kiss me

I dare you to resist me

I do not beg, I do not ask, I do not wait

For you to change your mind

Nor for your courage or conviction

I want to relish in the crash of your tragedy into mine

I will parade the brokenness that follows the fall

I want to kiss you, so,

Maybe it is inevitable

Maybe the only road ahead of us is, goodbye

You are leaving and I cannot go with you

I am not afraid of where life will take me

I am afraid of how far it will take us from each other

Maybe the only road left is goodbye

I hate that I will not be there to hold your hand

To chase the demons away

To hold you, like I wish I could

It seems the only road ahead, is goodbye

And I cannot imagine what it will look like

You are a star I have named in the sky

among thousands, you are special.

So the next time I see you,

If we no longer resemble ourselves

If time has carved us out like soap statutes

Know that I will always know your name

I will find you by the way you sparkle

I will know you, and meet you, always again

We are on a road to goodbye,

Maybe it is just a different hello

A language we will both have to learn

So some day

when you have shot across the sky

and we have both traveled a universe

We will meet again,

We will have so much to share

And the starlight of your smile

If I could do anything,

I’d ask you to kiss me

If I could tell you anything,

you don’t have to love me

just kiss me, but no.

This game we play

black and white spaces

lines between us

Rules I dare not break

I play because you are here

I follow, because you might leave otherwise

I wonder

Am I the only one who wonders

about a kiss

You don't have to love me

It's the one secret I won’t tell you

the gray space that I can't reach

the line I don’t cross

because I don't know if you'll be there

when I do

So this is the game we play.

Spaces side by side

And a single line between us

I cannot move. I dare not try.

Her head on his shoulder

And I don’t know how

His laugh and her smile

I wish I was deaf

I wish I was brave

The space between them

Slowly disappearing

Last night, I really believed it, you know?

I was so proud of myself,

Because finally, he wasn’t important

He was right there, and I was fine.

I talked to him and it was fine

He didn’t care that I was fine

That was fine too.

I thought, finally, it doesn’t bother me

But I didn't say goodbye

I didn't fall asleep

I wanted to stay in that evening for days

It was like a dream,

He didn’t care and it didn’t hurt

He didn’t care, neither did I

It felt so real

But when I woke up alone

He woke up with her

And when I saw his smile

I have seen you here so many times,

You come in at least twice a week,

Sometimes you stay for hours

and I wonder, what are you looking for?

They call you “shopper”,

Each day I sat here, right in front of you

But you never see me

Instead, I have watched you, helplessly

I have watched you and the others that interest you

There are the ones across the aisle

Hard cover and intricate face, she is beautiful

You want to caress her, hold her, bring her home

I know you do, I see it in your eyes

But you always put her down again

It’s that sticker on her side, that mark on her back

The one that says she will cost you,

And you have never wanted her enough to pay for it

When you are bored, you go to the bottom shelf

You find the one you have known for so long,

The one you always pick up,

She is soft cover, easily curls open for you

Thin and simple, you like her because she is convenient

You never keep her, never take her home

Even though you have read her a dozen times--

I wonder if you really even know her at all

Like the one in the window, sealed in plastic,

They say she is everyone’s favourite, even yours...

I have heard you talk about how much you want her

But you don’t even know her, do you?

Maybe it’s easier for you to never let yourself know

So she won’t ever disappoint you, 

                                               Perfection is easier from afar

You like her, but not enough to risk being wrong about her

I have seen you here so many times,

I have watched you and those who interest you,

I used to ask, why not me? 

But you are still too scared, too afraid to choose anyone.

I don’t blame you, I can’t force you to want me, to be brave

Instead I hope one day you find someone you want enough

Someone worth the cost, the time, the risk of being wrong