ຕᥙ⳽ɩɠᥱᥒɩᥴ

i turned 16 in 2013. it was the year everything started feeling too big and too small all at once. i kissed my first girl and smoked my first joint in the same week. my grandmother died, and the world kept spinning like nothing happened. here are the albums that got me through.

top 10 albums of 2013:

"Pure Heroine" - Lorde this album was my bible. lorde made being an outsider feel cool, like it was a superpower.

diary, september 4, 2013 i kissed her. i kissed her, and she kissed me back. it wasn’t fireworks. it was quiet, like slipping into a pool at night. i think she’s scared of what it means. so am i. ‘buzzcut season’ played on her speakers after. it was perfect.

"The Bones of What You Believe" - CHVRCHES this album was neon lights and late-night drives.

diary, november 16, 2013 smoked too much. the room spun, and i told sara about grandma. she hugged me so tight i thought i’d break.

"Modern Vampires of the City" - Vampire Weekend they made sadness sound so clean. diane young was my anthem for pretending to have my shit together.

diary, may 22, 2013 sat on the roof with a bottle of something cheap. we laughed about nothing. the stars were bright, but it still felt like the world might end.

"Hesitation Marks" - Nine Inch Nails this was for the nights i needed to scream but couldn’t.

diary, august 8, 2013 grandma’s funeral was today. i wore black lipstick, even though mom said it was inappropriate. fuck appropriate.

"Days Are Gone" - Haim haim was the sound of late summer, when everything felt like it might fall apart but hadn’t yet.

diary, july 12, 2013 party at ethan’s. danced with a boy just to see if it felt different. it didn’t.

"Paramore" - Paramore this album was my angry-girl therapy.

diary, april 30, 2013 math test sucked. life sucked. i locked my door, put on paramore, and let myself feel everything all at once. it was messy, but it helped. hayley williams is my religion.

"If You Leave" - Daughter haunting, beautiful, sad. “youth” felt like a ghost whispering in my ear, reminding me that pain could be pretty.

diary, february 19, 2013 valentine’s day was a joke. love is a joke. except maybe it’s not.

"The 1975" - The 1975 “sex” was everything my mom didn’t want me to hear but couldn’t stop me from loving.

diary, october 9, 2013 he called me ‘mature for my age.’ fuck that.

"Trouble Will Find Me" - The National this was for the nights i felt too much.

diary, june 2, 2013 i miss her. it’s stupid to miss someone who’s not even dead. but i do. maybe one day, she’ll miss me too.

"Reflektor" - Arcade Fire this album was a whole mood.

diary, december 28, 2013 another year almost over. thank god. maybe next year will be easier. maybe it won’t. either way, i’ll survive. i always do!

ok so let’s talk taylor swift (again). not my vibe anymore but i can’t lie, she raised me. my younger self was a speak now/red hybrid. (anyway.) here’s my top 5! (unapologetically biased and probably different than yours. deal with it)

1. red red is the blueprint. the main character. the aesthetic core memory. it’s messy and emotional and somehow perfectly taylor.

2. evermore grown-up, sad girl music. i didn’t appreciate this one at first but like… give it a gray rainy day and it’ll wreck you.

3. folklore it’s her cool older sister. the more poetic one. the cardigan to evermore’s plaid flannel. also exile???? a duet for the mentally ill. beautiful.

4. speak now my gateway drug. enchanted? haunted? sparks fly? every single track could’ve been a tumblr bio. i’ll admit it’s dramatic as hell but like, that’s why it works.

5. fearless does fearless even need an explanation? it’s the one that got everyone in their feelings about high school romances they didn’t even have. (even if was REALLY straight)

honorable mention: 1989 i’d be a liar if i didn’t say 1989 wasn’t iconic. it’s a cultural moment, even if it’s not my personal fave.

it’s 2012. i’m 15, messy, and trying to figure it all out. we’re in peak tumblr culture, before it got sanitized. lana’s playing on my cracked iPod touch while i scribble in a diary hidden under my bed. this list is as much about the music as it is about the moments it soundtracked. let’s get into it

top 10 albums of 2012:

"Born to Die" - Lana Del Rey this album raised me. “blue jeans” had me walking through the halls of my high school like i was the protagonist of the saddest indie film.

diary, february 16, 2012 i’m sad but still want to be hot.

2. "Channel Orange" - Frank Ocean this album wasn’t just music; it was therapy.

diary, july 10, 2012 my best friend didn’t even flinch when i said i thought girls were prettier than boys. she said, ‘duh.’

3. "Visions" - Grimes this was the sound of my tumblr dashboard coming to life. alien, weird, ethereal; grimes was the patron saint of every girl trying to escape her boring small-town life.

diary, march 23, 2012 i wore eyeliner today. not like normal eyeliner, but grimes eyeliner. mom asked if i was okay. i told her i was fine.

4. "good kid, m.A.A.d city" - Kendrick Lamar this one hit different, even though his world was a million miles from mine.

diary, october 2, 2012 the lyrics to ‘bitch, don’t kill my vibe’ are gonna be my next tattoo.

5. "Electra Heart" - Marina and the Diamonds marina gave me a blueprint for being heartbreakingly dramatic and still kind of in control.

diary, may 14, 2012 put on ‘primadonna’ and danced around my room until i collapsed. the mirror and that fucking cockroach were my audience.

6. "An Awesome Wave" - Alt-J this album felt like discovering a secret. it wasn’t for everyone, but it was for me.

diary, august 28, 2012 it’s like they took all my weird thoughts and made them pretty. maybe one day, i’ll figure out how to do that too.

7. "Halcyon" - Ellie Goulding this was my running-away album. when i wanted to disappear, i put on “anything could happen” and imagined hopping on a train to somewhere no one knew me.

diary, november 3, 2012 i’m tired of being stuck. maybe one day i’ll leave and never come back.

8. "The Idler Wheel..." - Fiona Apple fiona apple’s raw, unfiltered genius was like a slap in the face. she made me feel seen in my anger, my sadness, my everything.

diary, june 5, 2012 i slammed my door so hard today that the handle came loose. i’m so full of everything and nothing all at once. it’s exhausting.

9. "Lonerism" - Tame Impala this album was my escape into another universe.

diary, september 17, 2012 math class is hell. i put on ‘feels like we only go backwards’ and pretended i was floating instead of stuck in a desk surrounded by people i’ll probably forget in five years. (SO DRAMATIC WTF)

10. "Some Nights" - fun. this one was pure drama, and i loved it. it was the soundtrack to all my overthinking, overfeeling, and overwhelming moments.

diary, april 11, 2012 sometimes life’s okay, i guess.

released: november 9, 1999 genre: singer-songwriter, piano rock, alternative rock, art pop, chamber pop, jazz pop runtime: 42:37 key tracks (but honestly they all are): "on the bound," "fast as you can," "love ridden," "i know"

i don’t even remember how i found this album, but i swear it found me when i needed it most. “when the pawn…” is like a messy, intimate, late-night phone call you’re not supposed to hear but can’t stop listening to. it’s an album that’s more than music; it’s a mirror that shows you the ugliest parts of yourself but also reminds you that being ugly doesn’t make you unworthy of love. fiona’s voice is raw, trembling, but so in control. she’s falling apart but also orchestrating the fall.

track-by-track breakdown:

on the bound this opener is a whole mood in itself. you're being dragged through wet concrete while someone whispers all your worst fears in your ear. “you’re all i need” shouldn’t sound this desperate, but it’s the kind of love that makes you lose yourself completely; like a warning wrapped in silk.

to your love it’s bitterness disguised as confession. “forgive me, you were right about everything” cuts deep because we’ve all been there. trying to sound like you’re over it while still bleeding out. i like to stare at the ceiling at 3 a.m. hearing this one, replaying an argument.

limp girl rage in song form. it’s cathartic as hell, the way she’s so unapologetically furious. reminds me of slamming doors and screaming into pillows when you’re too young to know how else to deal.

love ridden this one feels like waking up after a breakup when the weight of everything just sits on your chest. “no, not ‘baby’ anymore, if i need you, i’ll just use your simple name” is such a mature heartbreak. the strings feel like they’re weeping with you.

paper bag "hunger hurts, but starving works." enough said.

a mistake it’s chaos. it’s manic. it’s walking home drunk at 2 a.m. and deciding to text your ex anyway. “let me dangle at a cruel angle” is such a painfully specific way to describe self-destruction. i’m obsessed.

fast as you can the perfect storm of everything fiona is: erratic, tender, venomous. the tempo shifts feel like mood swings, like the song’s running away from itself. iconic.

the way things are there’s this brutal honesty in “i wouldn’t know what to do with another chance if you gave it to me.” it’s almost resigned, like she’s tired of fighting herself.

get gone is so real it hurts. it’s the anthem of finally kicking someone out of your life after they’ve drained you dry. it’s angry but also weary, like she’s fought this fight a thousand times before.

i know this closer is devastating in the quietest way. it’s not about the explosion of heartbreak; it’s about the smoldering ashes left behind. “and if it gets too late for me to wait for you to find you love me, it’s okay” feels like surrender.

fav lyric: “hunger hurts, but starving works” — from “paper bag.”

this album came into my life during what i can only describe as an emotional apocalypse. i was nineteen, in my first real relationship, and on the verge of imploding. everything about “when the pawn…” felt like fiona had written it just for me. the anger, the yearning, the self-loathing—it all mirrored what i couldn’t say out loud.

one night, after a particularly brutal fight with my then-bf, i blasted “limp” on repeat. it was the first time i realized that music could be therapy, that someone else’s pain could hold space for your own. fiona gave me permission to feel everything without apology, to be messy and complicated and human.

this album’s a 10/10, no question.

the tortured poets department. girl, you’re not sylvia plath at the typewriter. i’m not saying pop can’t be poetic, but there’s a difference between depth and slapping a title that feels like it’s been through an insta-poetry generator. there’s this constant cycle where every move she makes is dissected, hailed as revolutionary. her eras tour... i mean, it’s like the hunger games of tickets. people selling organs for nosebleeds. why? why does it have to be this obsessive consumerism spectacle where she’s not even just an artist anymore, but a cult leader for people to worship at the altar of vinyl variants and limited-edition merch?

and don’t even get me started on the chart fixation. like, did anyone even enjoy music this year, or did everyone’s brains collectively rot into a dopamine chase of streaming numbers and records broken? congrats, she’s the first human to sell out mars. can we breathe now? people act like if her single doesn’t debut at number one, the entire industry will collapse. and the stans… you say anything less than “taylor cured my depression and reinvented the wheel” and suddenly you’re enemy number one. like, chill, she’s good, but she’s not a god.

still, i get it. she’s calculated in the best way. she knows how to pivot, how to keep things fresh, how to sell relatability while staying untouchable. it’s a formula, and she’s mastered it. she’s the girl who gets dumped and turns it into poetry. she’s the boss reclaiming her masters. she’s the girl next door who somehow owns the block. there’s something magnetic about that. but can we talk about how shallow the pop landscape is if this level of obsession feels normal? like, shouldn’t there be room for more than one messiah?

maybe the issue isn’t even taylor. maybe it’s us. this endless need to crown someone, anyone, to obsess over. the numbers game, the constant need to validate our tastes through stats. music is supposed to be felt, not quantified. but here we are, measuring streams like it’s a pissing contest. maybe we’re the problem. or maybe i just miss when listening to music didn’t feel like being a cog in someone’s marketing scheme.