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2012: my top 10 albums and the mess of it all
itās 2012. iām 15, messy, and trying to figure it all out. weāre in peak tumblr culture, before it got sanitized. lanaās playing on my cracked iPod touch while i scribble in a diary hidden under my bed. this list is as much about the music as it is about the moments it soundtracked. letās get into it
top 10 albums of 2012:
"Born to Die" - Lana Del Rey this album raised me. āblue jeansā had me walking through the halls of my high school like i was the protagonist of the saddest indie film.
diary, february 16, 2012 iām sad but still want to be hot.
2. "Channel Orange" - Frank Ocean this album wasnāt just music; it was therapy.
diary, july 10, 2012 my best friend didnāt even flinch when i said i thought girls were prettier than boys. she said, āduh.ā
3. "Visions" - Grimes this was the sound of my tumblr dashboard coming to life. alien, weird, ethereal; grimes was the patron saint of every girl trying to escape her boring small-town life.
diary, march 23, 2012 i wore eyeliner today. not like normal eyeliner, but grimes eyeliner. mom asked if i was okay. i told her i was fine.
4. "good kid, m.A.A.d city" - Kendrick Lamar this one hit different, even though his world was a million miles from mine.
diary, october 2, 2012 the lyrics to ābitch, donāt kill my vibeā are gonna be my next tattoo.
5. "Electra Heart" - Marina and the Diamonds marina gave me a blueprint for being heartbreakingly dramatic and still kind of in control.
diary, may 14, 2012 put on āprimadonnaā and danced around my room until i collapsed. the mirror and that fucking cockroach were my audience.
6. "An Awesome Wave" - Alt-J this album felt like discovering a secret. it wasnāt for everyone, but it was for me.
diary, august 28, 2012 itās like they took all my weird thoughts and made them pretty. maybe one day, iāll figure out how to do that too.
7. "Halcyon" - Ellie Goulding this was my running-away album. when i wanted to disappear, i put on āanything could happenā and imagined hopping on a train to somewhere no one knew me.
diary, november 3, 2012 iām tired of being stuck. maybe one day iāll leave and never come back.
8. "The Idler Wheel..." - Fiona Apple fiona appleās raw, unfiltered genius was like a slap in the face. she made me feel seen in my anger, my sadness, my everything.
diary, june 5, 2012 i slammed my door so hard today that the handle came loose. iām so full of everything and nothing all at once. itās exhausting.
9. "Lonerism" - Tame Impala this album was my escape into another universe.
diary, september 17, 2012 math class is hell. i put on āfeels like we only go backwardsā and pretended i was floating instead of stuck in a desk surrounded by people iāll probably forget in five years. (SO DRAMATIC WTF)
10. "Some Nights" - fun. this one was pure drama, and i loved it. it was the soundtrack to all my overthinking, overfeeling, and overwhelming moments.
diary, april 11, 2012 sometimes lifeās okay, i guess.
2012 was a mess, and so was i, but looking back, it was kind of beautiful in it. these albums carried me through the storm, each one a little lighthouse guiding me somewhere better. hereās to the music that saves us when nothing else can.
On May 31, from the quillās final rest to natureās mighty test, and a whisper that shook the halls of power ā a day etched in history.šššµļøāāļø
Followš @biographiness
Aveces creo que no soy suficiente
Que no soy el plato fuerte de nadie
Si no ese que te dan para matar el hambre mientras esperas
A alguien mejor, alguien que te llene mƔs
Y no se que hacer para que alguien se quede conmigo
Para que alguien me prefiera
No sƩ como cambiar mi sabor,
Pero si soy la que mƔs lo intenta
...
Aunque,
Por una vez,
Quisiera ser yo la que puede decir no
It feels good going to bed tired, knowing I worked hard today

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"It was kind of sad though. We all know without hesitation that we'll all have to be housewives one day. It's a little comforting, but also it gives me a strange feeling I don't think I'm ready to confront yet. But, I guess I don't have to think about that just yet anyway. I guess it's just the experience of being a woman."
-My Diary, December 2nd, 2022
Have you ever felt so broken over something that has never happened? A person that has never existed? Over a feeling you havenāt felt? And then sometimes, it scares you to bits that even though that moment is yet to exist, you know how much it already makes you vulnerable enough to wreck your insides?Ā
And this is why you close yourself to others, thatās why you push people away, because attachment to something so preciousĀ hurts as much as losing it.Ā
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