⟢ Please support me by reposting, liking, following, and commenting on this post. If it doesn't resonate with you, please remember that a birth chart must be read as a whole.

∆ This is why it feels restricted, even when there is feeling

Venus square Saturn usually doesn’t explode or create obvious drama at the beginning. It feels serious from the start, almost heavier than expected, even if the attraction is clearly there. Venus naturally wants warmth, reassurance, and closeness, while Saturn instinctively slows things down and keeps emotional control.

For that reason, the connection doesn’t move at the same pace for both people. One person may feel ready to open up, while the other is still holding back, not because they don’t care, but because they are cautious. Over time, this difference in pace can create insecurity. The Venus person might start wondering if they are asking for too much, while Saturn believes they are simply being responsible or realistic.

No one is openly rejecting the other, yet affection can begin to feel measured, almost evaluated. When the aspect is tight, the tension becomes more noticeable, and if Saturn falls in the 7th, 5th, or 8th house, themes of commitment and intimacy become serious quickly. Venus square Saturn can create something stable in the long run, which may initially feel heavy or burdensome. Furthermore, it often happens that the conditions during which the attraction starts aren't favourable. It's all about timing.

∆ How I realized it was about timing

When I was at university, this guy realized he liked me before I let myself believe it was possible. He showed interest clearly. I liked him too - a lot, but I didn’t act on it. I was extremely shy, but it was deeper than that. I have natal Venus square Saturn. I had been bullied for years and truly believed I was unattractive. Also, I didn’t know I was autistic at the time and I only knew I felt different and unsure of myself. For that reason, I didn’t trust his interest. I assumed I was misreading it and pulled back instead of stepping forward.

Ten years later, I have been the one who reached out, as I am more aware and less afraid. He responded warmly and I detected there was still something there. But Houston, we have a problem: he’s in a relationship now.

To sum it up: in my experience, Venus square Saturn hasn’t meant a lack of feeling. It has meant misaligned timing. When he was ready, I wasn’t. When I was ready, he wasn’t free. The attraction was real. The moment just didn’t happen at the same time.

Credits to @saradika-graphics 🌷

Hey, there!

If you’re reading this, thank you for taking the time to look over my ramblings. :) Be warned - this post is long…and it barely touches the surface of the content living in my brain, LOL. So, I’ve decided to break this up into multiple posts.

I’m 3 years into the Resident Evil fandom and in the last 4 months, I’ve really been engaging with others here on Tumblr and have made some new friends. In different discussions, I’ve mentioned that I have wanted to write out an analysis of why I ship Leon Kennedy with Ashley Graham. I have been encouraged by multiple people to post it, so here it is!

This analysis, though, is twofold. I look at Leon and the 3 main ladies taking over much of the discourse: Ada, Claire, and Ashley…the first two seemingly reigning supreme. (Sherry has never been and NEVER will be a part of this discussion). But I also take a look at the trends I’ve been seeing in some of the discussions (honestly, they’re arguments…and not constructive ones) and how this brings up a deeper issue of broken relationships and the need for connection among us as humans.

Before I go any further, please read the following points carefully. I would love to have discussions with people, but I will not be arguing about any ships, so please accept what I’m about to list before you read my analysis:

These posts are to explain why I ship EagleOne. That is the whole purpose of me writing this. It will be a journey through my brain and how my personal experience (think: abusive relationships), my knowledge (I have a background in psychology and sociology…and I’m married and been through hell and back with my man), and my intuition (I’m 34 years old…and from a young age I’ve clocked abusers, manipulators, and safe people. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been wrong…this is a whole discussion within itself). Putting all these three together made Ashley the best and only choice for Leon. Like - I cannot convince my brain or my gut otherwise, lol.

The purpose of my Tumblr blog is to talk about my writing process for the EagleOne fanfiction I am writing and posting on AO3. THIS is the starting point for that. It will clearly detail why these two have been living rent free in my head for the past 3 years!

I love Leon Kennedy. And no, not just because of his looks. I connected with his character because of his core belief system. If it means anything to anyone reading this, my enneagram is a 1. In short, my morals are what make up the core of my character, which is super important for me to uphold. That’s what matters the most to me when I’m building relationships with other people. The person I show to others, is the person I am with myself behind closed doors. Leon is unapologetically himself, thriving in his imperfections, and his belief system remains intact through all that he goes through (even if he doubts himself sometimes, who doesn’t? - he’s also emotionally constipated, I’ll talk about this later, poor man). I admire that in people and that is why Leon has become one of my favorite…if not my MOST favorite character of all time. Which is saying something for me because I never pick just “one” favorite in any thing, but he has truly surpassed any other character I have ever connected with in the past.

This is not meant to degrade any ships or any of the RE ladies. Ada, Claire, and Ashley are all their own characters, with their own stories. Whether they’re with Leon or not, does not add or take away from their value within the RE universe. 

I will not be adding the tags “Aeon” or “Cleon” to any of my posts because I don’t want to, lmfao.

This is not supposed to be a “EagleOne is better than XYZ” type of thing. Again, I am explaining why I have come to my own personal conclusion that Leon and Ashley work the best together and would have an actual shot at creating a lasting relationship.

I recognize that all of these characters are FICTIONAL and that some of the holes filled in by my brain are headcanons…I’m not about to start waging a war about what is and isn’t canon. I don’t work for Capcom, I don’t know what they’ve decided in terms of Leon’s marriage. They can also change their minds because their development teams change over the years. I am looking at what is before me in terms of what is presented in the video games as of now and how my personal experience is shaping my view on this…and this is where I might lose some of you…

If we all took the time to recognize and accept that we are extremely biased about our ships because of how we view our personal relationships…THERE WOULDN’T BE SO MUCH ARGUING OUT IN THE FANDOM. (Our self-esteem also plays a subconscious role in this). I will be discussing this more in-depth in later posts.

With that said, I will be discussing REAL LIFE issues, lessons, and worldviews - because they influence everything I do every single day and, ultimately, help me understand and connect with stories and characters. This does NOT mean that I am projecting onto the characters or claiming the characters as “mine” in any way. There is a fine line with this and I think it’s getting muddled in some of the discourse…which is why I am pointing it out for myself.

I also felt like doing this because I am an old lady at heart and I want to impart some of my knowledge on other (younger) people because a lot of what I’m going to say about “real life” stuff…is stuff I had to learn the hard way and I wish I could have just KNOWN this. But none of us come pre-built with a manual!! And we’re all built differently, influenced by various things, and have our own preferences. That’s what makes us all uniquely ourselves.

For some of the things I discuss, I will not be citing where I got the information…simply to save time. Please use Google if you want to read more on some of the topics I bring up. I am literally writing this at 2am because it’s the only period of time during the day I have peace and quiet to think. If I start citing sources, I’ll feel like I’m back in school…and after two master’s degrees…I’m done with that shit. I’m doing this for FUN. LOL.

Okay - got all that?

Part 1 is mostly discussing a theory from psychology. Remember when I said that we would take a deep dive into my brain’s process of making its choice of EagleOne? Well, this is where that journey starts. I had already studied and taught my college students this theory for YEARS before Resident Evil came into my radar. So, it makes sense that my brain took the knowledge and watched all the interactions between characters from this lens. Before my brain accepted this theory as extremely plausible and that it makes sense, I had years of people watching…seeing terrible marriages, people becoming complacent, and a few good examples of love. My brain connected my experiences and what I had already learned to this theory and pretty much said “THIS IS WHAT WE CONCLUDED BUT DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN.” I don’t get to really dive into the characters at this point in this post, be warned. But if you are actually interested in this analysis and want to understand where I’m going with this in the future, then you have to read it. :) 

Ready?

Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love is a fairly easy concept to understand.

Sternberg proposes that to build a healthy, strong, and lasting relationship, it needs to contain 3 elements: intimacy, passion, and commitment. He suggests that a relationship that only has 1 of these elements has significantly less potential to survive than a relationship that has two or more. See a breakdown of each and the triangle below:

Intimacy - feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.

Passion - feelings and desires that lead to physical attraction, romance, and sex.

Commitment - feelings that lead a person to remain with someone and move towards shared goals.

I’d like to add a personal take on this explanation:

Intimacy - built over time (short- or long-term) and cannot be forced. In all honesty, I feel like there are seeds of this at the beginning of relationships (romantic or not) or there simply aren't. I feel like we tend to mix up intimacy with being compatible. Knowing the difference is HUGE because you can be compatible with someone and…that be it. There is no further depth to your relationship. You end up with a relationship that is surface level. When it comes to friendships, that’s really not a big deal. You can have friends that you play video games with and that’s really all you do with them. That’s cool, nothing wrong with that. But in a romantic relationship…it's a disaster waiting to happen.

Passion - Okay, I am 100% speaking from experience here. I had crushes and got along with guys before I met my husband. I had a small attraction to them in the sense that I would be like “Oh, he’s cute. I wonder what it would be like to kiss him, etc.” I never could think of myself having sex with these guys though…and after much introspection, I’ve realized that it was because of the way I was raised. Which is why when I met my husband…oh boy, I was thrown OFF. I was sexually attracted to the man the moment I laid eyes on him. My body reacted to EVERYTHING he did. That was MY experience…so I want to say that this is something that can happen almost instantaneously. Which makes sense if I look at the big picture (biology, social interactions, etc.). However, I feel like passion can also be built over time, especially if a relationship starts off friendly and then something happens that shifts it into romantic…but then that makes me think that there had to be SOME traces of passion already. However, there was something pushing it down for either or both people involved.

Commitment - Even though these are feelings…it ultimately becomes a CHOICE to commit yourself to someone. No, I am not just talking about marriage. I am talking about hitting the brakes on your life and start building something TOGETHER with the other person. You have the feelings and know that this person is worth whatever changes, compromises, or decisions you start making to reach common goals. At times, this has to be a conscious choice every single day. It’s a lot deeper than just putting a ring on someone and calling it day. For my husband and I, marriage, the whole legality of it, was us wanting to make this commitment in front of our friends and family because we felt it was important. Also, legally, there are some pros to this, so it was a no-brainer that this was our end goal in our relationship. However, my husband and I were COMMITTED to each other the moment we decided to take our friendship to the next level. Oh man, if anyone is interested, I would be happy to explain the “crazy” stuff my husband and I talked about early on in our relationship. I say “crazy” because my friends were shocked that he and I were discussing certain things even BEFORE we decided to be anything official. I had already made up my mind when I was 15 years old that I wouldn’t waste my time on dating guys I didn’t see a future with. When my husband came into the picture, I had the attraction, the connection, and I wanted to know his fundamentals, his beliefs, his core, before I committed my time, my love, my everything to him. So, I asked the uncomfortable questions AT THE BEGINNING. That didn’t scare him off. In fact, it made him want to marry me more. Because he’d been in multiple relationships and my approach was a bit unorthodox and though he was like “WTF” at the beginning, he realized what I was doing…and liked it. ← I say this last part to also state that everyone’s priorities, wants, needs, etc. are different…so my approach to my relationship was my own…this is where my biases come into play with my choice of ship. 

Continuing with the theory:

From these 3 components there are 7 types of love that can be established:

Friendship - involves only intimacy.

Infatuation - involves only passion. Lust, my friends. That is another reason why I feel like passion can be almost instantaneous. Some people might have that intensity when they first meet and then “hit that” and…that’s it. Passion fizzles out. However, this isn’t a one size fits all, but thought I’d mention this.

Empty love - involves only commitment. 

Romantic love - intimacy and passion

Companionate love - intimacy and commitment

Fatuous love - commitment and passion. This one is a biggie for me. Having the passion and attraction to someone, to the point where one commits themselves to the other person…only to find out over time that there is a lack of intimacy…not the sexual kind…the kind that helps create a lasting foundation. The kind that helps people be SEEN and HEARD…feel safe with the other person. It is hard for individuals whose relationship with a fatuous love ends because they had passion, they had commitment, they loved each other…right? To an extent yes, but intimacy was missing. Most don’t ever realize that intimacy was missing and are at a loss as to how their relationship came to an end.

Consummate love - has all 3, intimacy, passion, and commitment. This should be the end goal for anyone looking to find their person. I recognize that this isn’t the end goal for a lot of people, and that’s fine. To each their own. But this has created a narrative that is unhealthy and misleading to the point that those of us who do WANT this…don’t know where to start or go about finding this. Again - things we only learn through living, but we need some type of direction, so we go with what we’re given…and that’s not always right or healthy.

Another personal take, and this might seem extreme, but I’ve seen SO many failed marriages, sad people stuck in marriages, abusive relationships, I’ve seen SO MUCH…that I can say with certainty for myself in a romantic relationship, if it isn’t #7, it’s not worth the trouble. #s 4-6 are okay, which within my personality (I’m a 1, remember?) it is not good enough and would be settling. If I can have #7 with someone out there…then that’s what I want or not at all. Again - THAT’S ME. I made that conscious decision forever ago. I was happy to remain single for the rest of my life over wasting mine or anyone else’s time. 

Personal Report: I am happy to say that my husband and I have #7. Tried and true. We’ve been through plenty and we’re stronger than ever. Getting better, in fact. My husband was my first boyfriend…ever. First kiss, first date, first everything. Remember when I said that my brain connected with this theory because it had already concluded a lot of the things described? Yeah, no matter who I liked, wanted to date, I would never pursue any of those relationships because there was something missing. Come to realize, most of those “crushes” were simply surface level “intimacy” with nothing else. So, my brain went “Meh. There’s better out there.” And better there was…

Okay….. As much as I want to keep writing…I’m going to stop here, let you digest all this information. I promise that I will be tying this into RE in the future.

The floor is open for discussion. 

Next post: I will be giving you my take on Leon, Ada, Claire, and Ashley as INDIVIDUALS. Their personalities, their belief systems, etc. It’s important to do this before we start talking about ships. If we can’t understand a character on their own…then we cannot formulate actual discussions as to why we ship, who we ship. And I’m not talking about the “I just think they’re cute together” type of talks, we can have those opinions…I’m talking about the in-depth FIGHTS people are having on social media about these fictional characters, lmao.

Di ruang kelas, aku menghafal cara jantung berdenyut dan bagaimana saraf mengirimkan sinyal agar raga tetap terjaga. Namun, di luar teori medis itu, aku terbiasa menemukan ritme hidupku sendiri. Kasih sayang bagiku hadir melalui ruang-ruang yang lapang; seorang Ibu yang kutemui dalam untaian doa, dan seorang Ayah yang cintanya kupahami lewat punggung yang bergerak jauh untuk sebuah pengabdian tulus bagi sesama.

Kemandirian bagiku akhirnya bukan sekadar keterampilan klinis, melainkan cara untuk tetap stabil saat keadaan menuntutku untuk berdiri sendiri. Aku terbiasa mengobati lukaku sendiri dan menyimpan rapat apa pun yang terasa berat di pundakku. Bagiku, mencintai selalu identik dengan "menunggu" dan "memahami kesibukan".

Namun, jika nanti aku menjadi istrimu..

Aku ingin belajar bahwa aku tidak perlu lagi selalu tangguh sendirian. Menjadi istrimu berarti aku memiliki izin untuk meletakkan beban yang selama ini kubawa sendiri, bersandar pada bahu yang Allah pilihkan untukku. Aku tidak ingin lagi berjaga-jaga akan rasa kehilangan, karena bersamamu, aku menemukan rasa aman, sebuah bentuk penjagaan yang nyata setelah sekian lama hanya bisa kutitipkan lewat doa.

Aku tidak memintamu hadir untuk menggantikan peran siapa pun, aku hanya ingin kita menggenapi separuh agama ini bersama-sama. Jika aku menjadi istrimu, aku ingin kita membangun rumah yang di dalamnya sujud kita menjadi lebih khusyuk. Aku ingin menjadi kehadiran yang tidak lagi bersiap-siap untuk pergi, karena aku tahu bahwa kamu adalah ketetapan-Nya yang paling indah.

Terima kasih telah menjadi bagian dari rencana-Nya untuk menetap. Ternyata, sedalam apa pun ilmu yang kupelajari tentang bagaimana tubuh bertahan hidup, tidak ada yang lebih menenangkan daripada mengetahui bahwa Allah tidak pernah membiarkanku berjalan sendirian.

I didn’t learn this in theory. I learned it by living inside my body when it wasn’t safe to look away. So I learned to stay. To feel. To name what was happening so it wouldn’t rot inside me. Over time, pain became something I learned how to listen to, not because I wanted to, but because avoidance can destroy you from deep within. So when something hurts now, I don’t know how to pretend it didn’t happen. I need to understand it. I need to speak it out loud so it can settle… it’s awareness. When I’m asked to “just move on,” my body doesn’t feel peace. It feels abandoned. When I name what happened, I’m not trying to fight, I’m trying to stay connected to myself. Avoidance may calm the surface, but it doesn’t repair the rupture underneath, and when something isn’t repaired, it doesn’t disappear. It comes back later to visit as distance, resentment, fear, or withdrawal. I need to be allowed to exist without being minimized or rushed, because I’ve already lived what happens when pain is swallowed instead of integrated.

Is it any wonder that we escape into fictional characters and invest a lot of emotional energy into media, when real life, family and friends can be so hurtful.

We see on screen people being there for each other in times of crisis. Standing up for each other. Yeah they fall out but they always come around and make up after. They're 'family'. They form bonds and rescue each other.

Real life isn't like that.

Someone in my immediate family just really disrespected and belittled me and my work. Ok it's not the biggest thing. But it's one of many and it just sparks this inner need to be truly seen and be respected. So no wonder I dive into things like found families and hurt/comfort. There's an enormous part of me that needs to find a loving family and, simply, to be comforted.

I know it's fiction, I don't actually want to be physically hurt or see others go through that in real life. But watching it in fiction sparks an inner recognition of pain. And watching someone truly care for another person's physical or emotional pain is a representation of the balm I desperately need.