2012: my top 10 albums and the mess of it all
it’s 2012. i’m 15, messy, and trying to figure it all out. we’re in peak tumblr culture, before it got sanitized. lana’s playing on my cracked iPod touch while i scribble in a diary hidden under my bed. this list is as much about the music as it is about the moments it soundtracked. let’s get into it
"Born to Die" - Lana Del Rey
this album raised me. “blue jeans” had me walking through the halls of my high school like i was the protagonist of the saddest indie film.
diary, february 16, 2012
i’m sad but still want to be hot.
2. "Channel Orange" - Frank Ocean
this album wasn’t just music; it was therapy.
diary, july 10, 2012
my best friend didn’t even flinch when i said i thought girls were prettier than boys. she said, ‘duh.’
3. "Visions" - Grimes
this was the sound of my tumblr dashboard coming to life. alien, weird, ethereal; grimes was the patron saint of every girl trying to escape her boring small-town life.
diary, march 23, 2012
i wore eyeliner today. not like normal eyeliner, but grimes eyeliner. mom asked if i was okay. i told her i was fine.
4. "good kid, m.A.A.d city" - Kendrick Lamar
this one hit different, even though his world was a million miles from mine.
diary, october 2, 2012
the lyrics to ‘bitch, don’t kill my vibe’ are gonna be my next tattoo.
5. "Electra Heart" - Marina and the Diamonds
marina gave me a blueprint for being heartbreakingly dramatic and still kind of in control.
diary, may 14, 2012
put on ‘primadonna’ and danced around my room until i collapsed. the mirror and that fucking cockroach were my audience.
6. "An Awesome Wave" - Alt-J
this album felt like discovering a secret. it wasn’t for everyone, but it was for me.
diary, august 28, 2012
it’s like they took all my weird thoughts and made them pretty. maybe one day, i’ll figure out how to do that too.
7. "Halcyon" - Ellie Goulding
this was my running-away album. when i wanted to disappear, i put on “anything could happen” and imagined hopping on a train to somewhere no one knew me.
diary, november 3, 2012
i’m tired of being stuck. maybe one day i’ll leave and never come back.
8. "The Idler Wheel..." - Fiona Apple
fiona apple’s raw, unfiltered genius was like a slap in the face. she made me feel seen in my anger, my sadness, my everything.
diary, june 5, 2012
i slammed my door so hard today that the handle came loose. i’m so full of everything and nothing all at once. it’s exhausting.
9. "Lonerism" - Tame Impala
this album was my escape into another universe.
diary, september 17, 2012
math class is hell. i put on ‘feels like we only go backwards’ and pretended i was floating instead of stuck in a desk surrounded by people i’ll probably forget in five years.
(SO DRAMATIC WTF)
10. "Some Nights" - fun.
this one was pure drama, and i loved it. it was the soundtrack to all my overthinking, overfeeling, and overwhelming moments.
diary, april 11, 2012
sometimes life’s okay, i guess.
2012 was a mess, and so was i, but looking back, it was kind of beautiful in it. these albums carried me through the storm, each one a little lighthouse guiding me somewhere better. here’s to the music that saves us when nothing else can.
