From 2024... I was living in NYC, i miss it!!!!!!!!! But yes, growing pains. Time Fliesssssssss. Home-made video :) Aw that girl was so sweet and scared to get older...

I know, I know, I disappeared for a bit. Sorry, internet void. (｡•́︿•̀｡) It wasn’t intentional, I just got caught up chasing melodies and scribbling lines that somehow felt truer than anything I could say out loud. Writing songs became my little escape, a place where I could untangle the mess in my head and turn it into something that at least sounds beautiful.

The hours slipped away without me even realizing it. One moment I was strumming aimlessly, the next I had a half-finished chorus looping in my brain like a stubborn ghost. (¬‿¬) But there’s something addictive about it, the way words and chords collide to create a piece of me I didn’t even know existed.

Stepping back from everything else felt selfish at first, like I was abandoning the world just to hum to myself in the corner. But maybe that’s okay? Sometimes silence is the only way to hear what’s actually going on inside.

I missed writing here though. Talking into this vast digital nothingness, the internet void, feels like tossing paper airplanes into the night sky, hoping one lands somewhere. Even if no one catches them, at least they’re flying.

So here I am again, resurfacing, guitar still in hand, lyrics scribbled on scraps of paper scattered across my desk. If disappearing meant I could return with new stories, new melodies, then maybe it wasn’t really disappearing at all. (≧◡≦)

it’s 2012. i’m 15, messy, and trying to figure it all out. we’re in peak tumblr culture, before it got sanitized. lana’s playing on my cracked iPod touch while i scribble in a diary hidden under my bed. this list is as much about the music as it is about the moments it soundtracked. let’s get into it

top 10 albums of 2012:

"Born to Die" - Lana Del Rey this album raised me. “blue jeans” had me walking through the halls of my high school like i was the protagonist of the saddest indie film.

diary, february 16, 2012 i’m sad but still want to be hot.

2. "Channel Orange" - Frank Ocean this album wasn’t just music; it was therapy.

diary, july 10, 2012 my best friend didn’t even flinch when i said i thought girls were prettier than boys. she said, ‘duh.’

3. "Visions" - Grimes this was the sound of my tumblr dashboard coming to life. alien, weird, ethereal; grimes was the patron saint of every girl trying to escape her boring small-town life.

diary, march 23, 2012 i wore eyeliner today. not like normal eyeliner, but grimes eyeliner. mom asked if i was okay. i told her i was fine.

4. "good kid, m.A.A.d city" - Kendrick Lamar this one hit different, even though his world was a million miles from mine.

diary, october 2, 2012 the lyrics to ‘bitch, don’t kill my vibe’ are gonna be my next tattoo.

5. "Electra Heart" - Marina and the Diamonds marina gave me a blueprint for being heartbreakingly dramatic and still kind of in control.

diary, may 14, 2012 put on ‘primadonna’ and danced around my room until i collapsed. the mirror and that fucking cockroach were my audience.

6. "An Awesome Wave" - Alt-J this album felt like discovering a secret. it wasn’t for everyone, but it was for me.

diary, august 28, 2012 it’s like they took all my weird thoughts and made them pretty. maybe one day, i’ll figure out how to do that too.

7. "Halcyon" - Ellie Goulding this was my running-away album. when i wanted to disappear, i put on “anything could happen” and imagined hopping on a train to somewhere no one knew me.

diary, november 3, 2012 i’m tired of being stuck. maybe one day i’ll leave and never come back.

8. "The Idler Wheel..." - Fiona Apple fiona apple’s raw, unfiltered genius was like a slap in the face. she made me feel seen in my anger, my sadness, my everything.

diary, june 5, 2012 i slammed my door so hard today that the handle came loose. i’m so full of everything and nothing all at once. it’s exhausting.

9. "Lonerism" - Tame Impala this album was my escape into another universe.

diary, september 17, 2012 math class is hell. i put on ‘feels like we only go backwards’ and pretended i was floating instead of stuck in a desk surrounded by people i’ll probably forget in five years. (SO DRAMATIC WTF)

10. "Some Nights" - fun. this one was pure drama, and i loved it. it was the soundtrack to all my overthinking, overfeeling, and overwhelming moments.

diary, april 11, 2012 sometimes life’s okay, i guess.

This past seven months has been quite an adventure for me, musically speaking. Equipped with just a small Telestar Kawai guitar and old Garageband software, I was able to embark on a personal journey… Here’s another song that I wrote this week. The title is called “The Mother That I Never”.

One can fill in the blanks here, “The Mother that I/I’ll/’ve Never _____”:

Had, Met, Known, Loved, Cared etc.

Conversely, one can also say: