here’s to happiness, freedom and life

*leaves theatre* wow what a great show my favourite bit was how it fundamentally changed me as a person forever

[hiding my old man bite from the rest of the group] o-of course I'm fine! let's just keep going. the survivor's camp is right ahead and [spots someone I know] heh. I guess they let ANYONE in here!

i can’t stop thinking about the time my roommate and i asked our insanely ripped neighbor brian who wore flip flops year round and sunglasses on the back of his head for help with carrying a solid wood dresser up to our apartment. he wanted to get his son who was home from college to come help too so he takes out his phone and goes, “siri, call christian christianson” and turns speaker phone on while we stand there sort of stunned by the name and after a few rings cc answers, “what the hell do you want” and brian just hangs up without responding and is all, “kids, am i right” then carries the dresser up four flights of stairs pretty much by himself. we offered him a six pack of rainier as thanks which he immediately opened in our kitchen and downed 2/6 beers in 10 mins while telling us about his 1989 dodge ram 1500 he was trying to get his son to restore with him to no avail. really nice guy. we never saw his son before he went back to school but any time i ask my roommate for help with lifting stuff or reaching something he says, “siri, call christian christianson” and we reminisce about brian and his truck.

what they DONT tell you about clarinets is that you have to fucking build the damn thing every single time. "what instrument do you play" fucking legos man idk

*making small talk on a date* yeah tumblr has been really into the word ontological recently

*continuing the topic despite all social cues* it’s usually as a denomination of “evil”, but there are other things that are ontological

*remembering it’s polite to ask the date questions about themself* do you have any favorite things that are ontological?

canoeing is a fantastic word . those vowels are absolutely out of control in there

jake and logan paul will die by each other's hand outside the city walls of westlake ohio like eteocles and polynices outside the walls of thebes

guy next to me on the tube platform just said to his friend “i have THREE interesting stories to tell you, each one escalates, let’s move down the platform because some of these should NOT be shared in front of people” and my nosy ass was genuinely milliseconds from asking to be included in this conversation

shout-out to the guy at the ceiling fan factory that makes sure every fan has a regular speed setting and then also a setting where it spins so fast that you just know it's going to fall out of the ceiling and kill you

probiotic drinks are so funny. we put a billion guys in here

One of the funniest tech shit for me is the fucked up weird file types that entirely confuses your phone so much that it asks you shit like 'Open file with : Google Docs, Plague Inc., WhatsApp, Office 365, Clash Royale, Cash App, Spotify'