MT✨️

​I came up to this girl

And said in my British accent,

"Here are some signs of loneliness.

Loneliness, I quote."

She looked up to me

With no reaction,

Rather just an I'm listening, keep going face.

​I've noticed her around;

She is new to this school.

Always find her doing—

Walking, or reading, or playing basketball.

"First," I said as I continued,

"Always playing around, or

Walking, or

Reading, or

Sitting in a terrifying calmness."

​She said in her American accent,

"You know, that is why

There is one Bible

But different Christian religions.

You assume Americans are quite hectic—

I mean their accent, I—

The way they talk

Is just another level of restlessness."

​But as she said that,

​Up,

up,

tie it up.

It is safe up.

You won't be noticed up.

It won't matter to you up.

​The Guilt

​The guilt of making yourself pretty,

the guilt of trying to look nice.

Trying to style your hair,

to make it nice,

to make it look nice.

​How could I?

How could I let myself do this?

How could I let myself look nice?

How could I spend my time making myself look nice?

Wasting minutes on it,

while the rest falls apart.

How do I make it matter to me?

​The Fear

​The fear of making yourself feel pretty.

The fear of looking nice.

​The fear of what it might drag to light,

of what might be brought up.

​The fear of being perceived,

of getting noticed,

of inviting danger upon yourself.

​The fear of walking across the street,

the fear of going to the store,

the fear of taking a walk.

The fear of the talk-throws—

the conversations you have to avoid,

learning how to avoid them.

The people,

the comments to ignore.

​

​The Fear. The Guilt.

To avoid the Fear, the Guilt:

up,

up.

It is better to tie it up.

It is safe up.

You won't be noticed up.

Up, up,

I don't want her to be all Feely and week

as much as I don't want her to suppress her emotions and feelings

I don't want her to be chatty and all loud

as much as I don't want her to be silent and quiet

I don't want her to be relied on people

as much as I don't want her to be isolated from them

I don't want her to be all focused on her studies

as much as I don't want her to be all focused on plays and having fun

I don't want to deal with her

as much as I want and need to deal with her

May be it is not, has never been about her

May be it has always been about me rather than her

May be it is not about

Strength or weaknesses

Closure or isolation

Silence or opening up

But rather A Ground

The title of Elder Sister masks tutor, counselor, negotiator, mediator, psychologist, manager, mother, father ,the caretaker, the giver , the lender, the safe place... the list goes on and on!

She also used to have a dinner with her family

Yet, she can only wish for a decent food

​She also used to complain about going to school, facing her teacher

But she would do anything to attend her assembly

Greet her teacher

And for an exam to be her primary stressor

​She also used to murmur about the color of the clothes her father got her

But now she couldn't care less looking at her wretched clothes

​She also used to fight, argue with her mother

Yet she goes on with her day regretting not hugging her tightly that last time

​She also hated walking up the hill

But she has learnt running up the hill faster than ever

​She also hated waking up early in the morning

But she has evolved to be vigilant, barely getting to sleep

​She also used to snuggle her brother into bed

But she fears the day she will no longer remember his face

​She also used to scroll down her phone

But she can only regret that she missed out on them

​She also used to cry over a movie

Instead she has been trying to find a reason not to cry about

​She also used to have a pride in her country & flag

But the biggest betrayal she felt

The hope she lost has become a consuming sorrow

​She also thought she had right

She could live

She could be okay

Everything would be okay

Is it being shy,

Or is it your mind racing up so high?

​Is it being shy,

Or is it that the interactions are so hard to keep up?

​Is it being shy,

Or a continuous logical deduction of every simple interaction?

​Is it being shy,

Or the heavy, continuous habit of taking things personally?

​Is it being shy,

Or is it the urge—

That urge to look down,

That urge to look away,

That urge to walk away,

That urge to dismiss...

​Because I’d rather retreat further and further,

10 posts!

The biggest fight, resentment you could ever have is in your mind

With the person you never confronted

Argued with

You tried to ignore

Not make them feel seen, heard, or matter,

But deep down, you feel like their words matter

As much you feel it doesn't

As much as you know that it's their insecurities

Their fears

Their failures are talking

You are stuck in between hating them and feeling sorry for them

You could have the biggest heart and feel sorry for them

But that big heart will also make you feel bad

May be it's not big enough

Or may it be that it's just too big

You felt that unbotheredness to not strike back

But you come across the botheredness feeling afterward

It's not just left or right

Left or right is good

But this is something in between

There comes this day like the year before

The same as before the yesteryear as well as thrice-removed

And the same as much more

Yet it used to have an era of absence

This day brings about the realization of the blessings

The more times we are granted

It is a perennial

A once a year event

It is a jewel in the heart

Because people make it special to you

Yet every day feels special owing to their presence

Owing to their care

Love

Owing to them

Being themselves

Being there

I am so grateful that I could cherish another year to my life and for my special people to be there for me.

There is something about this day

There is really something about this day

It is beyond the words I could explain

It is like the warmth

the sunshine

the brightness

you could feel in a day

It recreates you

replenishes you

Gives life more purpose

Fills up your thoughts, your home with all the joy and happiness in the world

It surely is a blessing

a God send real gift

It provides you with a place

Full of delicious foods

Laughter

Love

Your family

And your relatives

Even your neighbors

in one place

I am so grateful and thankful to God to have had this day, and I hope everyone gets to experience and feel this day.

5 posts!

If you’re looking for her, she’s right here—growing alongside me.

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A dot because life is all about connecting the dots

Dots of everyday activities

Dots of every experience

Dots of every feeling

Dots of every person

Dots of all the joy

Dots of all the sadness

Dots of every fall

Dots of every thrive

Dots of every up and

Dots of every win and lose

Dots of every single day and every single thing!

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